Reconciliation after church abuse

[Abusequestions]

Hi, I was wondering if anyone has any experiences or advice about going through a reconciliation process with a church after disclosing historic abuse.

It would be a process with the leadership not with the person who abused me. He’s already left which makes things a bit less complicated but it still seems like a lot.

Hello, I’m very sorry you went through that. I would want you to feel 100% safe or it could retraumatise you. Who will be present at the meeting exactly? Are they sensitive, empathetic? You say leadership, but they are not trained in empathy particularly.

Have you had therapy for this ? Only asking so you have someone in your corner

Thanks for the reply. Yes I’ve had lots of therapy. My therapist has been concerned about it being retraumatising too so I’m being cautious.

The problem is I still live in the same town and isn’t massive so I see the people who were involved relatively regularly eg one of the leaders has grandkids at the same school as mine so I see his wife on pick up pretty regularly and him at school events too.

Mainly because of that I think it’s been hard for me to move on without addressing it.

I wouldn’t say the leaders are particularly empathetic from what I remember but it’s hard because everything was filtered through my abuser. I didn’t have much contact with them except through him.

I did speak to someone who still goes there who I know is counsellor. She was empathetic and kind. She’s spoken to the leaders for me and is the person suggesting a meeting with them.

Have you come across the book Holy Hurt by Hillary McBride? It's about recovering from spiritual abuse and the specific impacts abuse in a religious setting can have. Doesn't answer your question but may be helpful on the journey

There are a lot of variables to consider. Who will be present at the meeting? Are they trauma-informed? What do you think you want from this process? Do you think it might help?
Done well, I think it could be a useful step towards healing. You would have the opportunity to be heard in addition to potentially feeling validated and supported. That said, there are many survivors of abuse who have found their interactions with the church to be less than adequate and in some cases re-traumatising.
If you choose to go ahead with it, I would suggest finding out in advance of any meeting who will be present. I’d strongly recommend taking someone with you to support you if at all possible.
I’m also sorry for your experience.

Thank you, I will have a looks at this

Thanks for your thoughts. Agree there’s a lot to consider. It has the potential to be healing and helpful but also to do so much damage and that’s what’s making it so hard to decide.

It hasn’t been that long since I left relatively speaking so a lot of the same people and same dynamics at play which I’m finding triggering.

The major wounding I have is the belief that the main leadership just didn’t care about me. Going back to talk has the potential to both prove and disprove that.

Just wanted to update for anyone in a similar situation reading along, or who might find this thread in the future.

It was a complete disaster and I’m much worse off. Please don’t do it. I wish I’d listened to the people who told
me not to.

Abusequestions, I am sorry that you have been through this. I don't have personal experience of this. I wanted to share though a document on reconcilation and abuse in the Church of England. Some of this document might help to guide you in your expectations and decision making. I found it when trying to support someone else.
https://www.churchofengland.org/sites/default/files/2017-10/forgivenessandreconciliation_0.pdf