Can I have advice/support from Christian mners?

[purplespink]

I was brought up as a Catholic and still identify as one; I semi-occasionally go to church (used to be regular but can’t muster the energy right now due to baby), my dc go to a Catholic school and are baptised/making HC’s etc. I feel that, as I was brought up as a Catholic from birth, that I’m struggling to differentiate between what I have been brought up to believe vs what I actually believe. For context, my gps (raised me) were heavily involved in the church community; I went to mass 2x a week, Catholic primary and secondary, only listened to religious music, went to church related clubs, went to talks/church meetings / Alpha courses from a very young age. You get the idea. It’s not the same for my DC; I bring them up in the faith but it’s not hammered in every day. Whether that’s right or not, I’m not sure. That’s actually besides the point I’m trying to make. I think that rationally, there must be a God for all of this to exist and because of Jesus. But I pray to God every night begging for an emotional connection/relationship with Him and Jesus, beg him to call me and I don’t feel/hear anything. I desperately want to have that relationship with God and to say without a doubt He exists because I feel him in my heart, but I would say He exists based on a more scientific / evidence basis. I’ve been praying this way for a while. Why doesn’t He answer/do anything to make me feel Him? I’m sure it’s supposed to be that if you go asking Him for a relationship with Him that He will give you one? Sorry if I haven’t worded this brilliantly, I have a baby and I’m sleep deprived but how can I try to get this relationship/feeling? So grateful for any replies!

I'm sorry you feel that relationship is missing something. It seems to me you are on your own path for navigating your journey in faith. It may be worth thinking of it as a lifetimes work to develop the sort of relationship you hope for.You feel him in your heart? What more are you looking for? If you started hearing voices or seeing angels, you'd be a bit freaked out, right?!

I am one of those people who are blessed with a pretty solid and firm faith. It is a gift, and not one that everyone gets. I guess those of us that need it get it.

It doesn't mean that I feel the presence of God all the time, or that he chats away with me, or anything so weird or well- silly feeling. Just that I know that presence is always there when I really really needed it. That's in moments like - when I was suicidal and was seen safely home, or I thought my baby was going to die. I mean, really rock bottom moments.

There are still plenty of times where faith and prayer feel like wandering in a void. You can Google for lots of bible quotes that touch on this - Its always been a common phenomena! Faith is persisting and trusting, while not really being sure you know what's going on.

I'm sure some better competent Christians will be along soon to give a more solid theological view, but didn't want to leave you feeling alone with your uncertainty.

What's your scientific evidence that there is a god? I've never heard of any.

I feel similar to you OP but I see that as a test of my faith. Maybe there is a small seed of doubt in my mind I need to overcome? It's a work in practice/progress I guess.
It's interesting you feel this way at a time when you are feeling emotionally stretched (sorry for clumsy wording).

OP, Not everyone gets the thunderbolt. Don’t worry.

The idea in any case is you don’t test God for A Sign cos it doesn’t work. See Moses and Burning Bush.

And there are loads of different types of faith - faith in action, for instance, ie doing things to prove your commitment, which is entirely different to prayer.

Some one once told me that the times when you least feel like going to mass is the time when you most need to go . Maybe a midweek morning mass when it’s quieter and you can pray in church afterwards may help you . I will pray for you tonight . Sending love .

And you must be exhausted!

I’m no expert but suspect gentle perseverance is probably the way forward. Say thanks, say sorry and keep it simple. That’s what God really loves, as well as you and your lovely baby.

Try not to force it. It can ebb and flow, but there's nothing wrong with that. I sometimes comfort myself by looking for the Divine in nature,the calm after the storm etc. or the selflessness and goodness of so many, who work tirelessly for others.

CofE here, but I grew up with faith as fact.
It took me time to come back to my faith after feeling I needed proof for a number of years.
It helped me to remember that faith is a belief in something for which there isn't necessarily proof (not exact wording from dictionary). I don't have any proof of the existence of God. It is a belief.
I find that at the times where life is noisy/busy/stressful, these are the times I am more distant from my faith and I have to make quiet times.

If you have a small child I am sure there will be times of uncertainty about the best way to proceed with day to day decisions.. I always saw these as the times that God was guiding my hand, to be the best parent I could be.

I have never had the big thunderbolt type awakening and in the past I have felt envious of those who have, but the quiet consistency of my faith has helped me.

One sadness I have is that as a family we have raised agnostic children. I have always been open about my faith, the children were christened in our local church and attend church with us when they are home, but they do not have faith. My hope is they will come to it in their own time.

Are there any church based children's groups you can attend? It may help to just exist in a faithful space rather than trying to force anything?

Sending you love and prayers for a peaceful mind.

I’m definitely not a competent Christian but I would say faith is almost always best nurtured in community. If you don’t feel you’re part of a strong church community, the best thing you can do is to find one.

I find my church homegroup so helpful. It's a small group of people who meet regularly and 'do life.' We need other Christians to encourage us when we're low, to point out where God is in a situation, and to pray with and for us. I think you need to find a church community who will welcome you and help you to enjoy being a Christian.

I was like you once. I was brought up in the Catholic Church and really wanted to believe, but struggled to believe God really existed.
I actually made a New Year’s Resolution to do my utmost to find out if there was any convincing evidence that God exists.
I started going to a different denomination where there was a lot going on, but although I made a commitment to the Christian faith there, I still struggled a lot with unbelief.
However, one evening, a friend cancelled an arrangement and I ended up going to an event at what turned out to be an African church. All I can say is that the Africans have a much more exciting time at church than anything I had ever experienced as a white person. The presence of God was really strong in a tangible way throughout the worship and the preach was amazing. Then they prayed for a whole bunch of people at the front who collapsed under the power of the Holy Spirit.
The whole evening was just so powerful that when I got home I just told God I was amazed, and that I knew He definitely exists.
I think that for you, God will show Himself to you at some stage, as He is real and knows what you need. However, it might be that like me, you need to start attending some other kind of events where you are exposed to people who move in the gifts of the Spirit as this is how you will actually encounter God.

Maybe stop trying to pray formally and instead develop the habit of inviting God along with you every day - little thoughts addressed to God/ Mary/ saints as part of your day can keep you feeling close.

Stop and look around and say a quick thank you for whatever beauty you see, for your children, for any kindness you encountered, for finding something you like on sale, etc.

God is often a whisper. The very fact that you're craving the certainty of his closeness means you're hearing the whisper.

I'm not a Christian (religious Buddhist)but was very well read in Christian classics with Christian friends. it seems to me you you need a spiritual director. They will guide in reading, meditation and prayer. Your faith will gradually deepen as you mature. Just relying on emotions, feelings are a big mistake.
It's the same in religious Buddhism, you need a Sensei (teacher) to understand and develop deep faith.

I agree with @Sorciere1- relying on feelings or emotions is a mistake.

Also, your faith changes as you go through different stages of life. In your earlier life you had time to do all the religious activities you engaged in, but you're time-poor now, and you're also devoting a huge amount of your energy to your home and family. Your life has changed immensely and you've grown and developed as a woman - you can't expect your style of devotion to remain static.

Do try to go a weekday Mass, have a look to see if there's one that goes best with the routine of your baby.

Do you have any pictures of Jesus at home, a crucifix, last supper or just a prayer card. Something to really help you focus on Him while you pray.

Have you tried praying to the Holy Spirit and saying you are baptised and want to know your gifts. Although my gifts are known to me and I see them-the Bible says that it is ok to ask to for this.(Luke 11:13) says that we can ask for the Holy Spirit.
Here are some prayers you may want to consider to-
There are several to choose from.
https://companionscross.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/Prayers-to-the-Holy-Spirit.pdf
There are eight gifts of the Holy Spirit and fruit of the spirit to (1 Corinthians :12) (Galatians 5: 22-23). You may have one of these. You may have to show some commitment to God in your faith before he gives you one if you don't have one yet. I say to you to-drink some Holy water at church before you pray to the Holy Spirit. The Holy water at Catholic church's is usually blessed. I am to baptised as a Catholic and go to any church in truth, but go to an Anglican church today which is near me as a non demontional Christian who sometimes too attends a Catholic church in the week.

You may not be a very sensitive person and may have a give to like wisdom etc.
Sometimes God does not answer too, because they are not in his will. I learnt out this at 16 when I prayed for 3 years for something and he didn't answer. It was not in his will and he gave me something much better when I started praying but I wasn't listening. You need to priortise spiritual things.

I just wanted to say also that God always listens and cares, and keep on going-but as I said not all desires we may want may be good for us or in his will or God's perfect timing.

I think those emotional feelings of deep faith and connection are the icing on the cake rather than the cake itself. Many great saints talk about a “dark night of the soul” or periods — even years — of spiritual darkness. Even Mother Teresa went through this.

Another viewpoint is that if you were reliant on your emotions, that would be the basis of your faith rather than your faith itself.

However, there’s no harm in wanting to deepen your faith. I’d start by making sure you are going to Mass every Sunday. And take time to prepare, then do a good confession. And go to confession every month if possible. Weekly Mass and confession at least once a year are what the church asks of us. It is possible with a baby, you just need to get in the groove.

God bless you.

PS Going on a pilgrimage is also really lovely. See if you can join a pilgrimage from your diocese to a local shrine eg Walsingham or Holywell or Carfinn.

‘what I have been brought up to believe vs what I actually believe’ is a very modern western concern. Most people in the history of mankind haven’t troubled themselves with metaphysical questions and their personal settled answer to those questions. In India, Hinduism isn’t described as a religion, but as dharma, or way of life. It’s what connects you to your culture and your ancestors and helps you understand who you are and where you came from by enabling you to participate in something eternal. Maybe you are looking for God in the wrong places and trying too hard to hear, when actually your everyday life is imbued with blessings, like the love you feel for your children.

I just want to say how lovely these replies are, so kind and heartwarming. I’ve recently returned to my Catholic faith after decades away, I have more space and time now I’m not so preoccupied with work and children. I didn’t have a thunderbolt moment, just an inexplicable desire to reconnect with my culture and my long deceased parents. Partly I grew weary of being surrounded by so much secular materialist atheism, and worried where it was leading. I wouldn’t even say I have a strong belief, but by going to mass each week I’m learning that that in itself is an act of faith and I’m learning and growing. I’m not very good at praying or making a good confession but I’m enjoying the journey. Today I went to a requiem mass for an old man who had died with no money and no family, he was a real outsider, well known locally but was difficult with challenging behaviour. But he had a great faith and it was very moving that priests, parishioners and local people who knew him paid for his funeral, filled the church and gave him a glorious send off with humorous stories as well as all due respect and honour. Don’t worry or try to force it. As someone said, God loves you and your baby. You’re tired and things will improve. Just keep going. Sending you love and hope x

Some lovely replies on here, and I can only echo what others have said.
It really is worth persevering. Faith is a journey , not always easy , but so, so worthwhile.

I remember speaking to an elderly gentleman at my church and asked him how he'd come to God. He told me at a very scary time in his life, when his wife's life hung in the balance at hospital, he passed a church and felt a huge pull to go inside. He'd never had, or wanted, any experience of church before. Then he said he had this amazing experience, and felt God physically pass into him as he sat wondering what on earth he was doing there.

I said, but when am I going to get my experience like that from God. He said, but you don't need it, you've already found him.

I’ve always factually believed in Jesus Christ and God, and am christened and baptised, and I used to pray daily and attend church multiple times a week for years when I was a teenager and young adult, but for the last 25 years I had wandered away from the Lord and definitely haven't attended any kind of service or church activity. However, this year I’ve returned to prayer and begun rebuilding my relationship with God and Jesus Christ. I have only actually felt his presence or a peacefulness a few times in my whole life - I am late 40s now.

I feel compelled to share something I experienced this week with you @purplespink .

This morning I happened to come across Ian McCormack's testimony on Elijah Streams on Youtube (which was recorded on Thursday - I don't watch Elijah Streams at all) - link here . It brought me such peace and comfort today. Ian answered a prayer that I had cried out to God on Wednesday, I didn't feel the Lord's presence, but I cried out to him anyway.

In 2020, my brother died instantly in a freak car accident—a head-on collision, the other driver had a seizure - she did survive. He wasn't religious, and we hadn’t spoken since 2014 due to a difficult relationship, he was quite a mean brother growing up and was not a very nice man at all (I know only God will judge and knows a person's heart), just giving some context.

Since reigniting my faith this year, I’ve often worried about whether he is with the Lord, or in hell, and whether I’ll ever see him again. Because he died instantly, it has been playing on my mind, that he didn’t have time to find salvation in Jesus Christ. So I did what is recommended I took this question to God, and this is what I prayed about on Wednesday. I even walked into the local church and lit a candle, and asked God: Did my brother find a way? Is he with God and Jesus Christ now? I prayed that he found a way to be with God and Jesus Christ, that he found everlasting salvation with our Lord and Saviour.

The Lord of course heard my prayer. And through Ian, He answered it. In the video Ian spoke of how Jesus is outside of time and space (of course He is), and he shared testimonies that others have shared with him who experienced car accidents, where time seemed to slow down—giving people a final moment to choose salvation. This soothed my heart and brought me so much comfort and the tears just flowed. Words cannot express how grateful I am to know that, even in his final moments, my brother will have been given that opportunity to make that final choice. And Ian was the vessel who answered my prayer.

I share the above with you OP to urge you to keep praying to God - he is listening and he will answer your prayers. Church activities and attending mass are great if you can do them to be with other Christians in their fellowship, I struggle at the moment to attend these for other reasons, but all you need is prayer and to read the bible. As you pray and draw closer to God, he will come to you and it may be in a most unexpected place. Thinking of you and praying for you and your family OP.

God can speak to people via a 'thunderbolt' experience - Paul on the road to Damascus, for example, but in my experience its much more common that God is in the 'still small voice of calm' in 1 Kings 19. God didn't speak to Elijah in the earthquake or the fire, but in the hushed voice.
Sometimes it's about listening, and learning to notice when and how God speaks to us or when and how we feel God's presence. Sometimes we have to stop talking (praying!) and just 'be still'. Ps 46.10 says 'Be still and know that I am God'.
When you pray, do you spend time in silence, just 'being', with no expectations or agendas? It might be that it's about noticing how you feel as you're doing that. Are you feeling peaceful, loved, reassured.... all of which are signs of Gods presence. And the same when you read the bible - notice how you feel, what jumps out at you, or comes to mind. Same when you're out and about - if you're out for a walk and are maybe mulling things over, or praying as you walk; what do you notice?
Learning to listen is just as much of an exercise as learning to pray; it's a two way thing and we need to give God the chance to speak to us, and learn how to hear it.