Those in mixed faith marriages...

[MaltWispa]

...how do you make it work if one of you changes your mind?

Been married for 4 years, together for 11 and have a 10 month old DS. Two different backgrounds - DH is Muslim (he's British but his dad is from another country) and I don't have any religion, but believed in God - which was good enough.

Ever since having DS though, I've just felt so scared of his religion and anxious about it all. He's become slightly more religious and I've come to realise that I really don't like it, that I'm not sure what I believe in anymore seeing all the horrible things in the world and I'm scared for our marriage as it's making me view him in a different light.

I don't know if it's PP hormones that are making me change my mind, but I feel so sad everyday about it all.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? I feel so lost about it and I have absolutely no one to talk to about this in real life who would really understand it.

I don't really understand your thread title. What have you changed your mind about? You weren't Muslim anyway? If you've changed your mind about HIM then how could you possibly 'make it work'? Reading your post I do feel sad for your DH though.

@LegoHouse274 I didn't want to make the title too long, so I continued the question at the top. I wanted to see how those in mixed faith marriages make things work when they don't see eye to eye on religion. (Whether that's two different religions, one religious/spiritual, one not, etc).

I feel like I've changed my mind about whether I believe in God or not anymore and about whether I'm okay with my children being taught islam.

I haven't changed my mind about my DH, but I know me not believing or being okay with his religion would be a deal breaker for him.

I feel sad for my DH too - but I can't help how I feel anymore than he can help how he feels, right?

I just feel so confused and conflicted and I can't see a way through it at all the moment.

Are you asking how you manage within a marriage when you hold different beliefs, or different religious beliefs?

I’m from a minority denomination and DP is an atheist. We’re both tolerant and believe in freedom of expression and support equal rights including for women and children.

We try to think and talk things through and encourage our adult DC to do the same. There are no right and wrong answers but there are better ways than others for couples and families to work through things.

@MySadHappiness thank you for your reply!

See, I used to be tolerant of it all and held the view of 'to each their own'. But when I see something that I view as harmful being taught to my children, this is where my tolerance level has changed. It was one thing for my DH to believe it / practice it, but it feels another level of wanting to pass that on to my DC. And it feels like the tolerance only works one way - I have to be tolerant of his views/beliefs, but any views or beliefs that I have (that aren't based on religion) gets dismissed, so it feels unfair.

How did you deal with this when it came to raising children? Do your DC follow your minority denomination or DH's atheism? (Or none of the above and something completely different!)

Did you discuss this before you had children together? Was the agreement that they be raised in the Islamic faith? What is it that you see as harmful, that’s being taught to your DC?

What specifically do you have an issue with ? I’m not religious at all- no skin in this game. But I do think they are his children and I don’t think you can decide what he wants to teach them. Unless it’s dangerous I’m not sure what you could do

@Pumpkintopf we did and I was on board (to an extent). We agreed that we'd handle things at each stage as they came and be respectful of each others views. We agreed on bigger picture things, but disagreed on specifics. But when he bought our 2 month old a religious book, wanted to frame islamic art in his nursery etc, it's completely thrown me to be honest.

I guess this is my issue - I've just changed my mind and my feelings towards it all has changed. He's slightly changed too by changing the goal posts on some things where he feels closer to his faith, whilst I feel like I've gone the opposite direction.

Like we celebrate Halloween - always have done. Watch scary films, do trick or treat, have Halloween parties etc. I was talking about Halloween for my DS, and DH wasn't happy that we did things for Halloween? Just a small example, but one to show that he's changed too.

There's harmful things that I worry about too - the generic view on women/modesty, gay people, expecting children to starve themselves for a month every year, views on non-believers/other poly-religions etc..

I just feel all alone in this and I'm worried

@MushroomQueen I guess it's just a bit of everything to be honest. Some parts I do legit find dangerous / harmful (as mentioned above) and other elements aren't harmful as such, but I just genuinely disagree with and find a bit ludicrous. I'm struggling to see how I can just let it go (especially as I know if there were things that my DH didn't agree with, over his dead body would they be allowed to be shown to DC, yet I have to push my feelings aside).

OP there are billions of Muslims and they don't all interpret their religion the same way. You chose to marry your husband, so you must have thought he was a decent person and would make a good father.

You both decided to bring your children up Muslim so it would be an idea to learn about the faith and decide the parameters of that. I don't believe you would have married someone who sees women as less than or was homophobic, so I'm sure you can work it out.

It’s one thing having children with somebody of a different faith and being tolerant of other peoples’ views. It is entirely another discovering that your husband is misogynistic and homophobic and plans to pass those views down to your children.
The latter would be a total dealbreaker for me, not least because it sounds like he may have misled you until children were here.

Children don’t fast. Both Christians and Muslims have problems with homosexuality. Different attitudes to women are fairly common, for example Muslims don’t change their names on marriage and wives own their own wages in ways that were unheard of in the west until rec3ntly.

@MiloMinderbinder925 of course they all interpret their own way. I thought the way my DH interpreted it was a good way - now, I'm not so sure. But again, I don't know if this all just PP hormones going crazy!

I've learnt about the faith as much as I can - I worry if I learn anymore, it'll do more harm than good to our marriage. I never agreed to bringing them up as Muslims, it was always agreed that he would show his way, I would show mine (which isn't a religious way), but his way seems to be clashing / over taking in a way I'm concerned about.

And he doesn't think women are less than, but that they have a place (as do men). For example, wouldn't be happy for my son to learn how to cook / bake (but happy if my DD did?) and definitely thinks being gay is wrong (something I whole heartedly disagree with).

@GreenFrogYellow

Thank you - it does feel a little deal breaker now and feels like we've both changed the goal posts since DS has come along. He's probably felt more attached to his faith, whilst I've gone the opposite!

@Ohthatsabitshit he said that he would expect our children to fast (from age 8) - or at least encourage them to. I completely disagree with the whole practice in the first place, let alone encouraging my DC of any age to participate, but certainly not when they're children. I'm not a Christian, so I have zero issues with homosexuality.

And yes, I'm aware of those points in islam. But it also says it's okay to have several wives, hit/punish your wife if necessary, the whole modesty around women that isn't applied to men in the same way, plus a whole host of other things. Whilst my DH obviously doesn't think it's okay to hit women and other things, it is still permitted in islam and my concern is that whilst he obviously wouldn't teach that, there's nothing to say someone else reading the same book wouldn't come to a different conclusion (as proven all around the world!). I wouldn't want my DC anywhere near anything that would condone such behaviour - let alone worship / follow / consume (just a small example, but you get the idea of my concerns!).

I'm not religious OP and wouldn't agree to my children being brought up in a faith. I certainly wouldn't agree to my children being taught regressive gender roles or homophobia. As far as I'm concerned, faith is private.

However, I'm not you and assumed you had discussed all this and both agreed to it. You need to talk about all this and straighten out what's going on with your husband. I'm sure he's a decent man and that you can come to a compromise.

I think you were both pretty naive. I’m Jewish and my husband is atheist / Christian (we celebrate some of the Christian holidays) and we talked about all this very specifically before having children. The children are being raised Jewish with an inclusive situation of celebrating my husband’s holidays with him. I’ve gotten slightly more religious after I had children as it turned out it was important to me to pass down the traditions. He doesn’t stop me but he also doesn’t get involved in Hebrew school or synagogue. He is very happy to cook traditional food and join in at home (I don’t really cook)

It sounds like you and your husband have an awful lot of fundamental disagreements - religious or not there’s a lot of black and white options here that don’t seem to have any middle ground. I would have said it was a bad idea to have a child together but as it’s too late you just have to figure out a way forward. One of you has to lose here unfortunately as these are two wildly different lifestyles.

This sounds very difficult op. Could you get some time to sit down and discuss it together, share your concerns and explain that you feel the goal posts have moved, restate what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not?

Ooof this is tough. Mine went the other way. Dh was a Jewish convert, I was culturally Church of England and agnostic. I went all in to bring ds up Jewish and found some of what we were doing really hard, but stuck with it. And then Dh lost his faith. I was absolutely furious as it seemed to me I’d gone a long way past what I wanted to do, and all for nothing.

You have kids together now so I’m posting on the basis you’re going to stick with it. Tbh on some things I wish I’d pushed back from the beginning. For you, one of those things might be being gay. You can speak up with your views loud and clear. There are a million LGBTQ friendly children’s books, make sure you have a good number of those in the future. Also look out for Islam as it is really lived, not as presented in the crazy edge media. There are Christian sects that practice polygamy and even FGM, but most don’t, just like most Muslims live a good version of the faith.

There’s inevitably going to be some culture clash feeling as though your children are being brought up in a compromise instead of your first choice. But at some point you loved your Dh and thought he’d be a good dad. You’ve made choices to get to this situation. Some uncomfortable areas doesn’t mean you were wrong to do this.

All of the abrahamic religions are patriarchal nonsense as a means of control, so I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to raise a child in that structure. I certainly wouldn't.

Can you find common ground?

I have been with DH over 15 years, he is atheist and I was Christian. Since early in the relationship we discussed how we would navigate this and that he had to be comfortable with a religious upbringing for the children. He was happy with this because he agreed with the moral foundations and despite his lack of belief thinks there are valuable things to be got out of it.

The way we handle it is that he will ‘support’ what I teach them but not take the lead. He won’t openly contradict me on God, but he won’t pray with the DC or initiate church, for example.

I would imagine a major reason you are struggling is that even if you are not a Christian, British culture is so heavily based on Christian traditions and you are having trouble assimilating ‘Muslim’ into your/your children’s identity. That is a question you will have to wrestle with, and one I hope you manage to reconcile.

Some things you are worried about I think could easily be resolved. Eg fasting for Ramadan, most families have children build up from the age of 8. I have many Muslim friends and none of the 8 year olds are fasting from morning until evening, they start by skipping snacks or maybe one meal.

And like Christians, Muslims have varying degrees of religious adherence. Not everyone is a fundamentalist …

It sounds like you need a proper conversation with your husband about what he considers non-negotiable about your DCs upbringing, what you consider non-negotiable and go from there.

His views are outdated and ridiculous, no matter his religion. You find out a lot more about somebody when you raise children with them. He is both your child and you’re allowed to have different religious beliefs but you’re also allowed to not be together if it doenst work. Islam is supposed to be a peaceful religion and if he’s using it in a way thats upsetting you then thats not ok.

I think it’s quite common for Muslim men living in the West to be outwardly liberal and Westernised in views when they’re younger but then go more traditional in their views once they have their own families. I’m from a very multi cultural area and have seen this quite a lot. Men, especially, (from some Muslim families) are given lots of freedom to live a very modern British lifestyle, but I think there is often an expectation that this will change once they become patriarch of their own family and they are expected to pass faith, traditions and ways of thinking down. As I say, this is something I’ve observed several times with lads I’ve grown up with and seen through from partying years to married with kids.

I’m sorry you feel so alone and I do feel for you. I know there are lots of mixed marriages in this country so hope there is a community of women you can reach out to who will understand what you’re going through. I hope someone on Mumsnet will have experience of your situation and reach out to you or you can perhaps find a Facebook group or forum of women in your situation.

My friend married a Muslim their eldest daughter is gay he won’t have her in the house he’s been here 30 years it’s bullshit

That's sick.

Her whole family are divided now the two boys are devout so conflicted with their sister it’s a mess can’t belive she’s still with him x