A question about evangelical Christians

gattocattivo · 2025-05-09T11:59:26+00:00

A family member joined an independent evangelical church last year. He speaks about it very positively, I have attended a couple of events too and found everyone very welcoming. one thing I’ve noticed is that people there tend to couple up, get married and have babies very young, Eg it’s not unusual to be married at 21 or 22 (for young men as well as women) and there seem to be several families who have two or more children while still in mid to late 20s. This got me wondering, is it a religious thing, or cultural, or social? Or a mix? No judgement here, I’m just interested because this is very different to most of that age group in 2025 where young people tend to stay single much longer and even if partnered up, probably wouldn’t start thinking about babies until age 30 or so.

Stripeyandsneeky · 09/05/2025 13:03

Evangelical Christians generally believe you shouldn’t have sex before marriage. This can be an incentive to get married young. I grew up in this belief system and getting married young wasn’t unusual at all.

Ponderingwindow · 09/05/2025 13:06

The religion teaches people to abstain from sex before marriage. While not all follow that perfectly, there are still going to be huge social pressures to keep up appearances.

trying to separate the religion from the culture seems odd. They are deeply entwined

FloraBotticelli · 09/05/2025 13:08

Because sex before marriage is extremely frowned upon. To the extent that you’ll get a visit from the pastor and strong talking to if you shack up together before marriage. (Been there).

pimplebum · 09/05/2025 13:08

Marriage enables you to have sex and making lots of Christian babies is highly valued

Original poster

gattocattivo · 09/05/2025 14:16

I guess it makes sense if they’re desperate to have sex! I wonder if many couples regret getting married so young … though I guess divorce is very much seen as wrong as they’d probably stay together even if they felt the marriage wasn’t great. Just seems such a pressure, I mean how many people really know who they want to marry when they’re 20? The children thing surprises me though. You’d think they might enjoy a decade of carefree sex having got married so young because they have plenty of time ahead for family responsibilities

OP posts:

EdithStourton · 09/05/2025 14:25

IME it varies from church to church. Some young adults I know grew up in an independent congregation. Two married in their mid-20s (at what was the 'normal' age for marriage when I was young...) and both are now late 20s and no DC even on the horizon.

A cousin joined a similar group in her early 20s and she didn't marry until her mid 30s.

U53rName · 09/05/2025 14:25

I think it’s a regional and educational thing. I’m part of that religion, and came from a more metropolitan area and am highly educated. I got married at 30 and had my first baby at 32. Those who I know personally who made the choices you’ve described come from less metropolitan areas and didn’t obtain a higher education.

Stripeyandsneeky · 09/05/2025 14:54

gattocattivo · 09/05/2025 14:16

I guess it makes sense if they’re desperate to have sex! I wonder if many couples regret getting married so young … though I guess divorce is very much seen as wrong as they’d probably stay together even if they felt the marriage wasn’t great. Just seems such a pressure, I mean how many people really know who they want to marry when they’re 20? The children thing surprises me though. You’d think they might enjoy a decade of carefree sex having got married so young because they have plenty of time ahead for family responsibilities

Yes it’s sad, evangelical Christianity is a high control belief system with a lot of pressure to conform. I got married young but thankfully it worked out for me. We actually waited to have kids but now I am older I wish we started a bit sooner!

I am no longer religious and would not want my own children to get married so young. However in a lot of ways it worked out for me. The men I knew were very pro marriage and commitment and I wanted to get married and have a family. Sometimes churches can be a good place to find a husband.

CurlewKate · 09/05/2025 14:56

There’s also the “quiver full” thing among some
American evangelicals-not sure if that’s
reached the UK.

akkakk · 09/05/2025 15:02

Stripeyandsneeky · 09/05/2025 14:54

Yes it’s sad, evangelical Christianity is a high control belief system with a lot of pressure to conform. I got married young but thankfully it worked out for me. We actually waited to have kids but now I am older I wish we started a bit sooner!

I am no longer religious and would not want my own children to get married so young. However in a lot of ways it worked out for me. The men I knew were very pro marriage and commitment and I wanted to get married and have a family. Sometimes churches can be a good place to find a husband.

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Evangelical Christianity simply means Christians who have a strong focus on the scriptures (Bible) - and that therefore includes parts such as Acts 1:8 in telling others the Good News - the story of Christ and His dying on the cross for us all.

It is categorically a non-control belief - Christianity is the only major religion which is not about control - all others you have to follow xyz rules to get to the destination - in Christianity it is a free-will choice to accept God's offer of His son dying on the cross in our place - freely available, no control.

I was 47, my wife 42 at marriage - both of us having grown up in the evangelical wing of the church - marriage ages do vary, but there can be younger marriages - partly due to the comments above, but also because a strong focus is on deliberate marriage in building a relationship with the other partner and God, and doing so self-sacrificially - so there is a bit more of a 'go into it to make it work' attitude than perhaps the norm in society which can now be much more me me me.

Purpleisnotmycolour · 09/05/2025 15:05

@U53rName that's quite a patronising thing to suggest. Most of my uni Christian friends also married in early 20s and had children before 30. Are we all thick and from the sticks? Waiting to have sex if you believe that is important is not a bad thing, plenty of stories of regret on here. Also getting married 'young' - if you have found the right person, no need to wait, and also they don't tend to have three year engagements, just get on with it. The marriage is the focus, not the wedding day.
Marriage benefits all of society, government just doesn't want to admit it. Obviously it's fine for people to be single or in an unmarried couple but a critical mass of married couples is beneficial.

Stripeyandsneeky · 09/05/2025 15:19

@akkakk yeah I know what it is I was in it for 20 years!

LeaningOnTheEverlastingArms · 09/05/2025 20:01

In my day (yes, I’m old 🤣) it was quite normal for people to marry in their early twenties and have all their babies by the time they were thirty. It’s really not that long ago. I honestly think casual sex isn’t “a good thing” - and especially it won’t be consistent with being a Christian who takes following Christ seriously. Let’s not knock those who seek to love and follow Him in all sincerity with all their heart, soul, mind and strength. 🙏🏻

LeaningOnTheEverlastingArms · 09/05/2025 20:02

akkakk · 09/05/2025 15:02

Evangelical Christianity simply means Christians who have a strong focus on the scriptures (Bible) - and that therefore includes parts such as Acts 1:8 in telling others the Good News - the story of Christ and His dying on the cross for us all.

It is categorically a non-control belief - Christianity is the only major religion which is not about control - all others you have to follow xyz rules to get to the destination - in Christianity it is a free-will choice to accept God's offer of His son dying on the cross in our place - freely available, no control.

I was 47, my wife 42 at marriage - both of us having grown up in the evangelical wing of the church - marriage ages do vary, but there can be younger marriages - partly due to the comments above, but also because a strong focus is on deliberate marriage in building a relationship with the other partner and God, and doing so self-sacrificially - so there is a bit more of a 'go into it to make it work' attitude than perhaps the norm in society which can now be much more me me me.

Show quote history

Well said. 🙌🏻👍🏻

SunnyViper · 09/05/2025 20:06

gattocattivo · 09/05/2025 14:16

I guess it makes sense if they’re desperate to have sex! I wonder if many couples regret getting married so young … though I guess divorce is very much seen as wrong as they’d probably stay together even if they felt the marriage wasn’t great. Just seems such a pressure, I mean how many people really know who they want to marry when they’re 20? The children thing surprises me though. You’d think they might enjoy a decade of carefree sex having got married so young because they have plenty of time ahead for family responsibilities

Depends what you want. I was married at 22 and my kids are now in their 20s and I retired and have just turned 50. I’m in good health and plan on having a ball while I’m still fit and able.

Original poster

gattocattivo · 09/05/2025 23:44

Yes, I understand that. My question was really about this trend among evangelical christian churches, which is very different to the societal norms of 2025 when it’s relatively unusual for couples to get married at around 21 and then to have several kids quite quickly.

no judgement here, I was just enquiring about it

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Purpleisnotmycolour · 10/05/2025 08:20

Christians are meant to be different from society when society is like it is. It is great when people ask questions though. It's also not a trend, it's what would have happened everywhere for most of history. You would have married someone from your village you'd known since childhood, or someone you met at work/ church if you went away to a city. It's a newer trend to sleep around and get married later. People would have thought there was something wrong in the past if you didn't marry until your 30/40s.

Original poster

gattocattivo · 10/05/2025 09:17

i know, I’m aware that in the past, it was much more common to marry young, usually to someone local and to then have kids pretty much straight away. A massive part of that would have been lack of effective contraception though.

it’s interesting what you say about being ‘different from society.’ Nowadays, about half of young people go off to university, they don’t stay local and they are far more likely to date far more people before deciding to settle down. Do these young people in evangelical churches tend to stay more home based or do they go off to uni? I suppose that’s what I’m getting at: they’re acting very differently to most people their age by settling down so young, so is there a conflict with other aspects of life, eg student life? Are they more traditional in other ways too? Eg it would seem very unusual to me for a mum in her mid 20s to be a SAHM, but is this something many young evangelical Christians would aspire to? And if so, why? I do realise it’s not necessarily a one size fits all but there definitely appears to be some patterns

I wouldn’t suggest having tons of casual sex is always a good thing, sometimes it arises out of low self esteem, needing validation or feeling pressured that you ‘ought to’. But neither do I think choosing a life partner at age 20 is necessarily a good thing. People develop so much between the ages of 20-30… I imagine most people need to have had at least a few relationships to suss out what they really want.

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SelinaPlace · 10/05/2025 09:20

Poorly-educated, conformist, with an ingrained horror of sex outside wedlock — all contribute to marrying young and staying married, no matter how unhappily.

akkakk · 10/05/2025 09:55

Marrying early does mean you are not fully developed into who you will be, but it allows you to develop together, whereas marrying later puts two fairly fixed people together both good and bad bits and it is harder to change…

in 30+ years of knowing Christian couples marrying young I have seen vanishingly small numbers divorce - are they all happy, tricky to know but they seem to be…

U53rName · 10/05/2025 09:57

gattocattivo · 10/05/2025 09:17

i know, I’m aware that in the past, it was much more common to marry young, usually to someone local and to then have kids pretty much straight away. A massive part of that would have been lack of effective contraception though.

it’s interesting what you say about being ‘different from society.’ Nowadays, about half of young people go off to university, they don’t stay local and they are far more likely to date far more people before deciding to settle down. Do these young people in evangelical churches tend to stay more home based or do they go off to uni? I suppose that’s what I’m getting at: they’re acting very differently to most people their age by settling down so young, so is there a conflict with other aspects of life, eg student life? Are they more traditional in other ways too? Eg it would seem very unusual to me for a mum in her mid 20s to be a SAHM, but is this something many young evangelical Christians would aspire to? And if so, why? I do realise it’s not necessarily a one size fits all but there definitely appears to be some patterns

I wouldn’t suggest having tons of casual sex is always a good thing, sometimes it arises out of low self esteem, needing validation or feeling pressured that you ‘ought to’. But neither do I think choosing a life partner at age 20 is necessarily a good thing. People develop so much between the ages of 20-30… I imagine most people need to have had at least a few relationships to suss out what they really want.

I think you’d need to take it on a case-by-case basis, and I can only speak for myself:

Do these young people in evangelical churches tend to stay more home based or do they go off to uni?

Went away to uni.

Eg it would seem very unusual to me for a mum in her mid 20s to be a SAHM, but is this something many young evangelical Christians would aspire to?

I didn’t aspire to this in my 20s, however, I was a SAHM for a few years in my mid-30s when my DC we’re really little, before going back to work PT, then FT once they started secondary school.

Stripeyandsneeky · 10/05/2025 10:34

I was already married when I did my degree which certainly was unusual. I didn’t have children until my 30s so me and DH had a long time together just having fun, travelling, being child free. However now I am getting older I wish we had started having children a bit earlier.

I don’t think getting married in your 20s is a a good idea but i personally don’t regret it. Me and DH have such a strong foundation and history. We grew up together and have been there for each other at every moment. In some ways I think it’s harder to compromise as you get older as we have always been a team. We started off with nothing and everything we have we have built together. There is something to be said for an old fashioned “what’s yours is mine” partnership.

3WildOnes · 10/05/2025 10:45

I'm a Christian and lots of my Christian friends, myself included, did marry and have children in our early to mid 20s.

All of my friends went away for university and then most moved back to London afterwards.

LesserCelandine · 10/05/2025 10:47

Having children in your 20s is physically the optimum age to do so. I am not sure why is should be frowned upon? Or suggested that people in their 20s don’t know what they want because they go to church.

Original poster

gattocattivo · 10/05/2025 11:01

@LesserCelandinei don’t think ‘frowned upon’ is the right way to look at it. I just think it’s a case of the physical aspect being just one element.

I Can well believe that the optimum time from a purely physical perspective for me to get pregnant and give birth would have been about 17- 23 years old. I certainly had more energy then! But I was at university until 23 (did post-grad) then wanted to spend several years building my career. I don’t think I’d have had the emotional maturity (and certainly not the financial stability) to have kids very young and those elements are equally important imo as the physical bit. If not more so.

actually it also makes me wonder how these young couples can afford to start a family so young given the pressure of housing, cost of living etc

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