BF’s family didn’t know I existed for 3 years

[iridaceae]

I’m 19 and have been with my boyfriend for exactly three years. We’re in a very happy relationship and have been for three years but due to his family being muslim Pakistani and me being white , he kept me a secret as his family could never accept him being with someone outside of his culture and religion. They are , to my understanding very conservative. randomly a couple of weeks ago my boyfriend told his dad and he said he was not angry but then went on to immediately ask about me converting , changing my name and other stuff . His father will tell the mum soon though and she may not be so forgiving.

I feel very stressed out and overwhelmed having been a secret for three years, fearful of them finding out. I was at first relived he finally told them but now am terrified for what the future holds. I do not want to convert and my boyfriend said he doesn’t want me to have to and doesn’t expect me to but they will never accept that. Any advice will be appreciated . Thanks in advance

You are very young to be in any kind of committed relationship What age is your boyfriend?

If you don't want to convert, then don't. No one has the right to force you into any religion.

You're only 19. Much too young to be dealing with such pressures. If you were my DD I'd tell you to reconsider the relationship.

I agree, 19 is far too young to commit to any relationship, especially one started when you were 16 and barely out of childhood. You haven't had a chance to find out who you are yet. Maybe take time to consider whether this is for you or not.

If you don’t want to convert (and don’t convert just to keep the relationship going - only convert with full knowledge and personal independent desire to) it sounds like your boyfriend will need to choose between his family and you.

i don’t wish to sound condescending but you are young to be in such a pressured and committed relationship. If you were my daughter I would be chatting through whether this relationship is sustainable.

Going forward - keeping a girlfriend secret for 3 years is a huge red flag and never likely to end well.

What do your own family make of this? Have you got a faith already that you would be expected to leave behind?

I would not even consider converting until you have spent some time in Muslim households and seen how things work for the women. The fact that you’ve been kept secret makes me think that they’re not a modern Muslim household. Women are expected to play a very particular role as wife and mother and the rules of the religion (depending on how strict they are) could well affect you even outside of family life. I am friends with some (probably considered) modern, westernised Muslim women, for example, and they always have their hair covered, cannot go anywhere alcohol is served, cannot have social media or male friends. Their whole family is muslim so they are ok with it, but it would be a big ask for a non Muslim to go along with.

It’s a huge red flag to be kept a secret. I would be seriously considering ending the relationship on that basis alone. You are only 19! Live a little!

What has happened since you added this post Op? As others have said, you are still very young. The issue is not that you are ‘white’ per se, even if you were also from a Muslim background it would have been an issue and kept secret I imagine. If the Dad is asking when you are going to change your name, this tells me that he is perhaps like some Pakistani families I met in the past, conservative but not necessarily separating religion and culture. There is no need to change your name for example and a minor thing rather than something to dwell on. I imagine you are going to encounter some issues going forward with them trying to either get you married asap or trying to encourage him to move on. This will not be anything against you as a person by the way, they will just be wanting the best for him and to stay within the boundaries of Islam. Whatever happens, it will teach you a lot about life, I am sure.

It's probably going to come down to your bf choosing between his family and you.

You are young but been adult for 2 years now. Do you want to be forced into a Muslim lifestyle, marriage, serving your in laws and etc

What future do you imagine for you and him? Long term marriage and kids? Do you or he not have plans to go to university or anything like that?

You’re very young to be settling down. If I were your Mum I’d be advising you to move on from this one, draw a line under it as something that was nice while it lasted but not a viable future for either of you.

How does he get on with your family?

@LauritaEvita

That doesn't sound very modern and westernized. Not allowed to use social media? That is extremely limiting as most people use social media nowadays? Not allowed male friends? How is that practical considering the UK is not a segregated society. You would have to avoid going out and interacting with others. As for the alcohol, I understand not going to bars, but does that include not being allowed to go to any restaurant where alcoholic drinks are on the menu?