Christianity; struggling with depth

[HeroicMinute]

Sorry for weird title. I’m not really sure how to explain it.

I posted here a year ago and got lots of good advice about what to do. I found a church I love. I have been welcomed and made friends. I’ve joined a class to reaffirm my confirmation vows.

The thing is, I do believe in God, and Jesus. I believe I am blessed with the Holy Spirit in my life; my behaviour and intentions feel as if there are influenced and somewhat directed, although I am far (!!!) from perfect, I am trying to be good.
The thing is, everything feels somewhat surface level, there isn’t great passion or feeling to my belief. It doesn’t feel rational to feel so shallow; Christian belief is immensely deep and profound, and I do believe, but in a sort of mundane day-to-day sort of way, if that makes sense.

I’m lazy, I don’t pray enough, I don’t read the Bible enough etc etc. I’m reading Rowan Williams Being Christian for the confirmation classes and I ‘m really struggling with it. It actually irritates me when I’m reading it; maybe it’s too intelligent for me (probably) and maybe it’s that he’s coming from a great depth I don’t recognise.
I was a sensitive child with a heightened sense of conscience; I used to feel guilty a lot, and I think my mother took advantage of this. I toughened myself up and switched my conscience off to an extent.
Im averagely intelligent and am capable and interested in engaging with arguments and ideas. I’ve induced adhd in myself with overuse of the internet and social media and am very easily distracted. I can’t meditate and when I’m in church, I’ll usually find myself organising mental to-do lists or having moments of creative inspiration (I’m an artist).
I don’t know. How do I find depth? I think writing it down is helpful as some answers seem obvious, but I would appreciate your thoughts.

You might be best asking this in the Christianity board. I suspect you will get more useful input.

Oh I didn’t realise there was one. Thanks.

Living a Christian life can be about lots of different things. When I was a student I had the opportunity to study a theology diploma (initially in a group then I continued units on my own). At the time my feeling was "if I'm putting all this effort into studying what I enjoy, why shouldn't I also be studying what I believe?". I got a lot out of it as a result.

When my children were younger we were privileged to experience them both singing in serious choirs. This meant I had an incentive to attend services, mainly Evensong, up to several times a week. Sometimes that was great, sometimes when I was struggling I couldn't even get myself there until pickup time despite wanting to attend. I did find that I benefitted when I did go - but it could take more than half the service for my mind to quieten down and just be. There is no way at that time that I would have coped with reading much - I couldn't take it in.

At the moment my church attendance is sadly sporadic, for various reasons. My children are away at university and when they are home there are "things to do". I've not got a spiritual home that I feel properly comfortable with - I need to make time to work on that.

I'm really glad to hear that you have a church where you feel you belong.

If your life is at a stage where everything needs more time than you have to give it, where responsibilities keep piling on and you are paddling hard just to stay afloat, then I would say that having a day-to-day Christianity is exactly appropriate. Feeling secure in your commitment, trying to live your life as you are meant to live it. Knowing that there is more - pray when you can, take your worries to God, read and find out and share more when you can.

I've always had a sense that God had a purpose for me. Nowadays I'm doing some part-time work that feels absolutely right - and isn't remotely near what I used to think I would end up doing.

I hope you can keep feeling the influence of the Spirit and growing in Christ - but it doesn't have to happen at full speed. Try not to worry and let God work at His own pace. It sounds like you are doing fine.

I've been a Christian my whole life (as much as a child can be) and I rarely read the bible.

My "depth of belief" comes in waves. And that's ok. God knows what's in my heart.

The problem might be the opposite to the one you think. Maybe you are not getting depth from this book because it is not written to be a deep book. It is an introductory book. Those sort of “entry level” texts only get one so far IME. Even ones by esteemed theologians like Rowan Williams. They become repetitive. Maybe you are not the intended audience for that book and are ready to go deeper in faith.

I read widely and preferred authors who wrestle more. I like Philip Yancey and I don’t hate Pete Grieg.

For greater theological depth I am getting a lot from a course I am taking in my diocese. A bit like @Pythonesque mentions. A more academic take. Maybe your diocese runs something like that; something other than an “introduction to Christianity” course. This is also helpful because I am meeting other students also wrestling. Being a Christian is more difficult than introductory evangelism materials emphasise.

For being able to pray deeply and not make mental-to-do lists during prayer I find it is practice. I don’t think it’s that helpful to make oneself feel guilty “I don’t read the Bible enough”, “I don’t pray enough”. I tend to think that sort of guilt is a very human construction. It’s more like “I haven’t found a way to study the scriptures that engages me and feeds me”; “my prayer routine is not leaving me feeling more connected with God”. There are more ways to pray than sitting quietly thinking hard and hearing stony silence. You can pray while making art. Making art is a form of prayer; “all creativity points to our divine creator” sort of idea.

You mentioned you are an artist. At the start of my church going I used to draw during church, little sketches. During the sermon or other sections where it didn’t seem wildly inappropriate. Not like during the prayer of consecration or something. It helped me to concentrate. No-one ever seemed to object - sometimes people admired them. Oddly over time I found I was doing this less and less and now I listen.

I agree with other posters you might get more ideas on the Christian mumsnetters board -> https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/christian-mumsnetters

I find Bishop Robert Barron on YouTube great for explaining more about the depth of our Faith. I understand most of what he says, but not clever enough to remember and explain to others.
I think both components are important. Faith has no logic, it is Faith. But I do find some reasoning helps me understand the why of my Faith

It seems to me you’re longing for a deeper connection/ experience/ passion in your life for God and His things.

In the past, when I’ve had times like this, I’ve found seeking Him with fasting and prayer a worthwhile spiritual discipline to undertake.

Your post reminded me of this song by Keith Green, which I found helpful as a way to express my heart to God when I felt hungry and thirsty for more of Him.

After whacking my pan out for 25 years trying to be a good Christian, I second this advice. You don't need people trying to run your life for you.

Your feelings as expressed seem to be what Christians generally feel and struggle with.
Please don't feel overly discouraged but instead see it as the Holy Spirit working in your life to convict of the need for God's grace vs. the confusion of a life not centered on God's redemption.

...not to imply you're not trusting God's redemption of you by His grace through faith in Jesus Christ. More along the line of we often filter things through what we see and experience rather than His trustworthy Word and promises.

If you'd like a book that's deep, interesting to read, and really cuts to the heart of things without ever becomig "theological" or technical, I recommend The Seven Storey Mountain, by Thomas Merton. It's the autobiography of a man who found God. Or maybe God found him.

HeroicMinute, I read your post. Thank you for sharing. I don't know how you you have been a Christian. This reminds me a bit though in the Book of Revelations one of the angels gave messages to the church. One of them was that they were doing well, but was neglecting and lost their first passion which can help drive someone's faith. Are you nurturing your first passion for your faith, and that is for you to think over privately. I was smitten with it when I read it.

Also, something remember you are like salt and light to the earth like with Jesus said with your faith and shining and doing your good works as best as you can and just do your best and open up to God and trust in him. He will direct your ways. Love him with all your being and you will feel's God's presence. May be watch the Fathers love letter online. I wish you the best.

Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; And lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, And he shall direct thy paths."

There's a great book by Fr James Martin, SJ called 'Learning to Pray', which I read last year. It's completely different to other books on prayer that I've read. This really practical, with chapters on things like 'What are we doing when we pray / What is God doing when we pray / What might I feel when I pray' and so on.
The second half of the book looks at different ways of praying and how they can be helpful.
Another book you might find helpful is 'Sleeping with Bread' about the Ignatian practice of the Examen. It looks like a children's book, but it's not, and again, is about finding what connects with you and noticing what / where in life God might be.
We're all different, and we will all pray in different ways and experience God in different ways, and sometimes it's about working out how that works best for you. I find sitting down intentionally to pray quite hard - my mind wanders all over the shop - but the more I do it, the better I get at it. Like all things, prayer, and a deeper relationship with God, takes practice and time. I find it much easier to pray as I'm washing up, or gardening, or walking, and I often find God nudging me in times like this. Sometimes it's about learning to notice where God might already be at work - it'll suprise you!

Have you thought about podcasts OP? I think a lot of people would identify with not getting enough ‘depth’ at church but there are so many extra resources out there to help with this.

There’s two main Christian radio stations, UCB and Premier. Both do loads of podcasts (usually on Spotify or they both have their own apps too). Bible books in 30 minutes is a really popular podcast and there are loads more too.