Navigating being a parent of an only child when you are religious....

[Olinguita]

I have a one child aged 3 and I'm Christian (CofE) but have been seriously considering converting to Catholicism.
My kid is probably going to be an only child not entirely through choice (I will explain why in a bit....) and I'm now in my 40s. The problem is I'm now at a stage where I'm a real outlier in my church congregation because pretty much every other family has two children with a "correct" age gap of two to three years max between the kids. There are a couple of families of 3 kids, not come across any with 4. I've had a lot of people asking me about when I'm having another baby but now the questions are starting to stop as the years go on and I have no baby bump to show. I get a sense that people are becoming a little bit colder and less friendly towards me now, and I think there is a huge presumption that I am sticking to one child for career or lifestyle reasons, or because I'm incompetent, or because I simply "forgot" to have another baby. I feel quite embarrassed and defensive at church now and I don't really enjoy going any more.

I've posted on here before about feeling called to become Catholic and I regularly attend Mass on my own in my lunch break near my office. But I'm worried that being a mum of an only child will be seen as even more unacceptable in that denomination and it will lead to my son and I being unable to integrate into the community. I don't want to go into a situation where we are going to be social pariahs.

I met my now-husband quite late in life having had some bad luck and false starts with dating. Had baby at 38. Never meant to start a family so late but hey ho....Absolutely loved being a mum but the kid literally did not sleep for two years and I had a birth injury so having babies in very quick succession didn't feel achievable for me (maybe this is where I'm at fault, perhaps tougher souls would have gritted their teeth and had a second baby quickly before it was too late😬). Then we had an absolute avalanche of "big" life events including some quite serious health stuff on my DH's side and I just didn't feel I could add another baby to the mix. I don't want to go into the minutiae here but as per what I understand to be Catholic teaching what we were going through would constitute "grave and serious" reasons to sticking to just one child but I haven't spoken to a priest and I don't know if I feel brave enough to 😬

Just wondering if anyone on here can weigh in on how to navigate being "one and done" in religious settings where bigger families are not mandated but encouraged. Interested to hear from people of other faiths too.

I'm really having a dark night of the soul over this and feeling like a dreadful mum and Christian. Today the chat in the crèche at church between other parents was about how great it was having small gaps between kids and how "unthinkable" it would be to have more than three years between babies..... Help!

As an astute poster pointed out
It is a Church of England that this woman feels is judging her.
Not a Catholic Church.

I’ve been in many different Catholic Churches and never heard anyone say they felt judged.Ive only seen people supported where they have difficulties.
In my view it’s more an overwhelming worry, and that’s really sad

I think if I were OP, I would go and get talk to a Priest about my concerns. And not seek advice on the Internet

Just say it's God's will or God willing if they ask if you will have more. Even if you took active steps to prevent pregnancy God could have made you fall pregnant anyway if it were his will, surely.

I'm surprised only child is your sore point with the new church i'd have thought alienation and suspiscion of your intentions would be more because you're a late convert.

It could just be the fact that young catholic families stick together. Cliques are everywhere even in religious settings.

@MinimumSatisfactionMaximumEffort see above - it’s the Church of England church she feels is judging her

It’s very clear to me, as someone brought up Catholic in Ireland and has who lived longterm in England, that British anti-Catholicism and othering is deeply ingrained, and that people frequently project onto Catholicism things that are equally true of, and that they dislike about, the C of E, for instance, or about organised religion in general.

Yeah I still think being a new catholic is more of an issue than one childism.

She’s not a Catholic at all, old or new.

But she wants to be and has been attending catholic lunch service and is asking about catholic church attitudes to one child families

I think your issue is that you haven’t come to terms with not having further children, are are hyper-focused on other people’s family size and inane chitchat. I don’t think this has anything to do either organised religion.

Is this a possibility do you think OP?
I’m Catholic, not CofE, but being judged on family size is never something I’ve come across. You may be mistaken in your assessment of the situation?

What is your point, though? Are you suggesting the people in her C of E congregation have somehow inferred this and are translating their hostility to a proto-Catholic convert via remarks about how ‘unthinkable’ it would be not to have a second child?

Wonder where OP has gone.

Thanks very much for the replies and the encouragement, everyone. I appreciate you taking the time to comment. Especially regarding single child families being total acceptable in Catholic communities ❤️
Some of you have suggested that I may be still dealing with my own anxieties and grief about only having one child and am therefore hypersensitive to perceived judgement from others in the church, and I think there is definitely some truth in that. I am considering some kind of (secular) therapy like CBT to address this.

I think I generally find London middle class parent/NCT circles (which overlap heavily with CofE circles) quite difficult at times because there is naturally a lot of chatter that ends up going into comparison territory about child's development milestones, where they will go to school, property/home stuff etc and I often feel like I'm under the microscope and coming up short as a parent. I possibly have some kind of undiagnosed neurodiversity such as ADHD or dyspraxia, and I can't drive a car, plus I struggle with simple tasks like baking cakes, so I feel massively inadequate in church mum circles despite the fact I'm reasonably successful professionally.

No-one in my church or in my family even knows that I'm thinking of converting to Catholicism by the way, I've still got to address that with them. So I don't think there are any bad vibes from my CofE church about that. I don't think anyone in my church is deliberately being a jerk by the way, they are good people fundamentally if a bit more "conventional" in some ways than I am (that is not a dig by the way) and I think it's probably my struggles around being a bit of an oddball.

I think you really don’t owe anyone any explanation for any of this. Not your having one child as a single mum, or your self perceived inadequacy as a mum
I once submitted cakes for a bake sale - and another mother redecorated them.

Two separate issues - definitely get secular counselling and…
If you’re drawn to the Catholic Church go along. Ask to speak with the Priest. It’s nobody’s business but yours.

Good luck.