Navigating being a parent of an only child when you are religious....

[Olinguita]

I have a one child aged 3 and I'm Christian (CofE) but have been seriously considering converting to Catholicism.
My kid is probably going to be an only child not entirely through choice (I will explain why in a bit....) and I'm now in my 40s. The problem is I'm now at a stage where I'm a real outlier in my church congregation because pretty much every other family has two children with a "correct" age gap of two to three years max between the kids. There are a couple of families of 3 kids, not come across any with 4. I've had a lot of people asking me about when I'm having another baby but now the questions are starting to stop as the years go on and I have no baby bump to show. I get a sense that people are becoming a little bit colder and less friendly towards me now, and I think there is a huge presumption that I am sticking to one child for career or lifestyle reasons, or because I'm incompetent, or because I simply "forgot" to have another baby. I feel quite embarrassed and defensive at church now and I don't really enjoy going any more.

I've posted on here before about feeling called to become Catholic and I regularly attend Mass on my own in my lunch break near my office. But I'm worried that being a mum of an only child will be seen as even more unacceptable in that denomination and it will lead to my son and I being unable to integrate into the community. I don't want to go into a situation where we are going to be social pariahs.

I met my now-husband quite late in life having had some bad luck and false starts with dating. Had baby at 38. Never meant to start a family so late but hey ho....Absolutely loved being a mum but the kid literally did not sleep for two years and I had a birth injury so having babies in very quick succession didn't feel achievable for me (maybe this is where I'm at fault, perhaps tougher souls would have gritted their teeth and had a second baby quickly before it was too late😬). Then we had an absolute avalanche of "big" life events including some quite serious health stuff on my DH's side and I just didn't feel I could add another baby to the mix. I don't want to go into the minutiae here but as per what I understand to be Catholic teaching what we were going through would constitute "grave and serious" reasons to sticking to just one child but I haven't spoken to a priest and I don't know if I feel brave enough to 😬

Just wondering if anyone on here can weigh in on how to navigate being "one and done" in religious settings where bigger families are not mandated but encouraged. Interested to hear from people of other faiths too.

I'm really having a dark night of the soul over this and feeling like a dreadful mum and Christian. Today the chat in the crèche at church between other parents was about how great it was having small gaps between kids and how "unthinkable" it would be to have more than three years between babies..... Help!

There would be a tiny subset of Catholics who might be hostile to the idea of one child.

I'm a very involved Catholic. Work for the church, have to deal with a lot of people through it. Sometimes people ask me whether I'd consider having more children (I'm 43 now), or something similar. I have never, in 15 years of parenting an only child, received any negative judgement or hostility about it.

I work with a couple who teach NFP in the Catholic Church. They're actual job is to talk to people about the Church's teaching on sex and contraception, on which they're 100% faithful. Everyone knows that they only have one child, who is also 15 years old. All the times I have heard them give their training, or testimony, or just generally talk to people, I have never once heard anyone question why they have an only child.

Most Catholics understand that each couple has to discern for themselves whether they should be trying to avoid another pregnancy and that everyone's circumstances are different.

Honestly, I don't think what you're experiencing is particularly tied to Christianity. I've been at NCT groups and playgroups where all the mums would talk about spacing children, how many they wanted etc. It was a common topic of conversation, still is amongst my sisters and sisters-in-law who are still at that life stage. I don't suppose many people with sufficient maturity, Christian or not, would actually care what other people's choices were; they just want to have a bit of a chat and feel validated in their own family planning.

I don't know your parish, obviously, so it's always possible that you have met people who are genuinely hostile towards you because of your family set up, but I'd be surprised if more than 1 or 2 people would be at all bothered.

That's a really weird congregation and church. Sorry.

People thought for a long time we were an one child family at our church as our oldest two are 18+ and not living at home.
Then we relocated and went to a new CofE parish church they oldest were both abroad so no show before Christmas. No one bothered or asked. People were just surprised then the oldest two showed up. Btw we have a 4 yo gap between the two oldest. Not by choice but life and it worked well. People should mind their own business. We have a 10+ gap between 2nd and 3rd. It does happen.

I would concider a new church. Number of children should not be an issue.

I'm Catholic and I promise that no one would bat an eyelid. I have several single mum friends with one child at church.

Hey 👋🏼 ☺️

You seem to have forgotten that God is love. God sees all we do with love

He also gave us free will to make our own decisions.

When there is pure love, there is no shame so you do not need to feel ashamed.

if you are going to church where there is judgement, in my opinion, you’re at the wrong church lovely.
Everyone who walks through the doors of ours are children of jesus and are welcomed with love and acceptance. You should feel that too xx

If anyone mentions it, just say you consider yourself blessed with the one you were able to have. Then smile, fold your arms, tilt your head slightly to one side and look them straight in the eye.

It seems like you're giving these people's inane small talk a lot of importance. It's just drivel to pass the time, no one actually cares how many kids other people choose to produce.

Well surely if you feel you have to divulge you just say, "Yes, we would have loved more but I have a medical condition that means that isn't possible". That should put a end to any harshness rather than them thinking it's for any other potentially less acceptable reason.

I cannot imagine anyone being remotely bothered. Catholics live in the real world too, as do Priests.

I do find your level of anxiety and overthinking worrying- and wonder if you should see someone medical for advice about managing that

I think your issue is that you haven’t come to terms with not having further children, are are hyper-focused on other people’s family size and inane chitchat. I don’t think this has anything to do either organised religion. My most devout Catholic friends (heavily involved in their parish, child baptised and made FC, in a Catholic school) are lesbians with an only child.

This^
I also wondered that a bit of “hostility” you are detecting is because you’ve indicated the intention to move to Catholicism.

Hello OP

I’m catholic and only have 1 child. I have never been questioned or felt judged by priest, nun or congregation.

I know plenty of other people too. It’s not ever been a “thing” to be honest.

Wishing you all the best whether you choose to convert or not. 😊

Assuming you’re not projecting or being paranoid and people really are judging you for having one child, then that’s a weird old church you go to!

I know this is a totally pointless comment but as a person who turned their back on religion at about 13 (Catholic) it baffles me why people are drawn to religion when it can be so utterly judgemental and callous as the OP post shows.

@Socalming are you ignoring all the posts that say they don’t recognise the situation OP is describing?
just another Catholic beating thread?

I'm sorry I shouldn't comment on these threads but Catholicism just gives me the rage

@Socalming Then step away

Anyone who judged you for having "only" one child would be remarkably un-Christian.

Sorry your CoE congregation is judgey.

As a practicing Catholic, I'd say you are very unlikely to find a RC congregation turning up their noses at the parent or parents of one child. Having heard comments of friends from other denominations about this sort of topic, I'd say Catholics tend to be more inclined to see family planning or family size as a very personal matter indeed (some are almost militant about how personal this is because of the official church stance on contraception).

The church itself is keen to emphasise that it doesn't expect large families, and I've never heard of any probing into choice of family size. The church likes to see children baptized, brought to Mass, and encouraged to participate in the sacraments.

If you followed your 'calling' and became Catholic, it doesn't matter - for those who feel that it's being a good Catholic to have more children, well (apart from it being none of their beeswax anyway) you weren't Catholic at the time and you're single now, anyway.

And for the rest, all I can say is that there are as many single parents of Catholic children applying to schools as there are married. Anybody who works in a school and can see the emergency contact details can see that parents have separate addresses and/or different names outside choosing to keep maiden names or it not being something done in their particular country of origin, step parents are added rather than parents - or grandparents and family friends with no second parent included.

I think that mass in at least 3 out of 4 parishes near here would be pretty sparsely attended were it restricted to married parents with 2+ children.

ETA: it sounds as though you might be coming into contact with the 'Quiverfull' families in your current church, perhaps there being an undercurrent (or overcurrent in some parishes) of evangelical/charismatic Christianity from some members.

It's not your thing, it wasn't right for you, circumstances didn't allow for it, which is fine - follow where your heart leads you.

But it is a CofE congregation who are being dicks to her about it….

Argh. Should have thought more and read it properly before typing and the editing function timed out. Apologies for being an idiot.

Anyhow, you've got one child, it's not up to anybody else whether you chose not to have more or it didn't happen.

OP have you discussed these thoughts and feelings with anyone you trust in real life?

I'll preface this by saying I was raised a Catholic but consider myself a Christian Baptist. Honestly I can't imagine anyone, from any church (or anywhere at all) caring this much about the number of children you have.
There is nothing remotely biblical about it.

In the nicest possible way, it sounds like you are paranoid or anxious, please talk to someone xx

@NeverDropYourMooncup I’ve been around evangelical / charismatic Christians for forty years and haven’t ever encountered anyone being nasty to anyone for the number of children they have or don’t have. I have encountered many who don’t have children. I’ve no idea why they don’t have children as it’s not my business.🤷🏼‍♀️

I do think conversations among groups of mums with young children (the sort of group you get in a crèche) about gaps between their babies and other ‘baby’ related topics are fairly normal, whatever their religious beliefs.

If this church really is judging you on your family planning decisions then it's not the place for you.

I agree with this.

Anyone who is familiar with the Bible will know that some of the most notable women of God were unable to have any children for many, many years (Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah etc) and many are not recorded as being mothers at all (for example, Anna, the prophetess and Phoebe, deaconess and ‘patron of many’ who was Paul’s supporter and his chosen emissary to Rome).

Several women who had severe difficulties conceiving went on to have ‘only’ one baby. Think of Isaac’s mother, Sarah. Or John the Baptist’s mother, Elizabeth.

I can’t imagine why any Biblically minded person would be judgey about a woman with one child. Or none.

*typos