Coping quietly with grief...

[2childrenandit]

Really hope someone can say something that helps.. have often thought about posting here but somehow it feels liek I am admitting how hard the recent death of my grandma has hit me. She was very old, lived a full life and simply ran out of steam, passing away in Feb. At the time I was sad, but coped, supporting my mum and family, organising, etc etc - knew I would miss her, but coping in public and saving the odd tear for when dc were asleep. Having said this, as time goes on I miss her more and more, great waves wash over me like clouds and I feel reall down and sad - my mum seems to be coping better and it was her mum who died. If I think about my grandma I get really upset and think its getting worse - was I wrong to try and cope at the time, has this made things worse in the long run or is this normal - as a family we havent had many deaths to deal with, and this was always going to be the worst one as she meant so much to everyone.

Sorry thats so long - any experiences or suggestins for coping would be gratefully received. I'm keeping busy (and possily putting the inevitable on the back burner) but this makes things so much worse when I stop to think....

Sorry - just another thing - I am a string believer and live by my faith - something which kept things together around the time of the funeral, but whatever I think, believe or tell myself, its just not having any effect....

oh heck - too late on a saturday - even a strong (!) beleiver! Apologies!

2children you are grieving... from the beginning

your mum may seem to be coping better because it is 3 months down the line - she is ahead of you in the process by three months.

Think of it in terms of a street - you are at the start of the street after having your mum lean on you for her steps down there. Now, you've gone back to the beginning alone and are walking in your own time down the same street...

Does that make sense? Probably not!

I hope you find some peace soon - just cry when you need to and don't feel bad... it is a process; you've just had a delayed start x

a strong believer in what 2children? (what religion I mean) ... sorry

Thanks Lewis fan - thats road image is really powerful and starts to put what I was thinking into picture form - I felt I had to be strong for my mum at the time, and worried that I wasnt addressing the death myself - put the fact that it would hit me at a later date to the back of my mind, and ow it seems liek an eternity since I saw her.

I am a Christian, albeit not one who attends church very reguarly, but have a strong belief, feeling that there is some form of afterlife following dealth in general, just cant feel my granny as I hoped I would when she passed. Perhaps this is adding to the grief in that I can apply my beliefs to death in general but not my grannys death and the massive gap she has left in my life.

First of all, very sorry to hear of your loss. I'm not sure really why but I do feel that losing a parent is different in some way from losing a grandparent. Particularly if expected, I think?

You do need to find a space to grieve for yourself, it sounds like your grandma lived a full life and for that you - and we - can always be grateful but still it takes a toll when that life is gone.

You sound a bit like you now feel guilty for coping at the time, as if you didn't display all of the emotions you now feel you 'should' have done. Don't. Part of this is coping at the time and doing stuff that in retrospect you wonder how you did.

I've lived through the deaths of my paternal grandparents, many years ago, but my maternal ones are still alive, and I'm dreading how much worse it will be now that I'm in my thirties, not late teens, and have a ds to explain it to This is rough stuff, you need to allow yourself to know that.

Best wishes to you.

Thank you tribpot - what you say makes sense, its just hard at the time! I know that I am very gratfeul for her full life and all the time I had with her, but it is som much harder when you have known someone like this for so long - more meories to reflect on, more things to miss, more time that she was part of my life.

I think I probably do feel a bit guilty for 'coping' - my mum went through a lot of her grief very early on so I had to be string for her and hold things together - felt it was what she would have wanted/expected, but in retrospect feel I have put back my own grief.

Have a lot on at the moment too, very tough job, house redevelopments, full diary and dh away for long spells with work too - oh and 2 dc who can be as awkward as a wagon load of monkeys - so here I am on MN at 10 o clock on a saturlad night realising I'm not coping compartmentalising very well and feelng a but let down by my belief I suppose ....

It sounds like you did everything right: coped at the time, gave your mum what she needed then. And now the time has come - as it always does - that you need to feel supported whilst you go through your grief. It sounds like you have a shedload to deal with on top of that - so sympathies for that, too.

Keep talking to us at MN. We can help - I just wish we could make it better.

2children do you feel abandoned? By your family? By God?

You are in turmoil and can't lean on anyone - your mum is still grieving, your DH is away, life is really stressful and where is God... why did he let this happen anyway?

Or am I on the wrong path totally (oops another path analogy - sorry)

2children, Maybe now would be a good time to approach your Church and ask for some support. Most Churches around here have people who have training in supporting bereaved people.