straight through hell and hopefully back....(long - sorry...)

[INeedAGuardianAngel]

OK, this is more a plea for your prayers. I think I've reached an all time low & I'm hoping to scramble out of it somehow. Long story short...my life has been such that my sister and I joke that we survived/thrived in spite of our parents rather than because of them...When I became pregnant with my first baby unexpectedly last summer I was actually thrilled & even more so when I found out she's a girl. But during the course of the pregnancy, I was diagnosed with a few major health concerns and was told that my baby might die at anytime unexpectedly right up until the moment she was born due to a possible heart condition caused by my antibodies. One nurse even went so far as to tell me not to get too attached "in case". My partner and I got married, moved to his native UK & settled in when I was about 6 months along. I gave birth three weeks early and luckily the ECG revealed my daughter's heart is ok. We had to spend a week in hospital while she lost weight and we tried our hardest to learn breastfeeding. We finally got the ok to go home and two days later I was taken back into A&E with a suspected stroke. I was kept in for five days without my baby. We managed to keep the bf going by expressing and sending the milk home with DH. I spent the nights in the hospital awake and praying (something I'd not done for a very very long time)- begging God for the chance to go home and be the best wife and mother I could be. Begging for my health, for my family. I finally got the all clear to go home after several painful tests. I've been absolutely exhausted since then...and I've been sick with stupid little things - two rounds of viral gastroenteritis, two bouts of mastitis, a cold that's lasted over a month...and I think I've been walking a very thin line between keeping it all together and sliding into PND. Well, last weekend my baby vomited with blood in it, resulting in a midnight trip to A&E for her - luckily told she's ok and was likely result of my mastitis. My DH was set to work out of town this week near my MIL, so we went up with him for the first few days, coming home on Wednesday. Wednesday night I lost it. My sanity that is...I honestly don't know why or what happened but I was looking down at my daughter and for a full minute I was thinking of stopping her breathing. I didn't touch her. And I swear to God I would never hurt her. And I knew what I was thinking was WRONG. I got so scared that that thought would even enter my mind. I put her in the buggy and we walked over to my SILs and spent the night there. I was in a full panic attack and was too afraid to be alone with her. I went to the GP yesterday and told them I think I'm depressed (didn't tell the exact thoughts, but enough to get a referral for postnatal psych.) I went back up to my MILs yesterday and came back home with DH tonight - but he's out at a work dinner until late. I've told all this to DH & SIL & MIL, and the GP, and it was one the harder conversations I've had. (Scary, embarrassing,feel abnormal/freakish, etc.) But I realize that I need help. I cannot do this all alone. I feel like a terrible person, let alone terrible mother. How could I have had such thoughts about my daughter who I love so much??? I've been crying pretty much non-stop since Wednesday night. So anyway, I think I really need a few people praying for me right now. (And my daughter and DH too!) So if you have a moment (and after reading all this I know you might not!) Please keep us in your prayers. And thanks for taking the time to read this.

(I'll likely cross-post in the depression threads as I wasn't totally sure where best to post this.)

Am so sorry to hear you are feeling so low. You have done absolutely the right thing and I have no doubt in my mind that you would never do anything to hurt your daughter. You have done absolutely the right thing by speaking to the GP and talking it out with your family as it means they will be able to give you the support you need

DO NOT WORRY! YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER! You have just had an awful lot to contend with! Hats off to you for still expressing all the milk while you were in hospital - that takes a lot of love and dedication

Take care and hope things start to get better soon

Hugs

Puss

Oh sweetheart, you have been through so much, no wonder you lost it. Is there anybody near you who could support you in prayer? Most of all you need kindness and support now, somebody to be with you.
You said you moved 'back to your husband's native country', does that mean you moved away from your family?

Keep talking on here, other people will be along in a bit to support you.
And of course I will pray for you too, but please don't be hard on yourself.
Love and blessings

You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight, I have been where you are right now, You have had a horrid time and its no wonder you are depressed. What is the GP doing for you?
You say S/He has referred you to a postnatal psychiatrist did you get any idea of a waiting time for this? have they given you any medication to take in the meantime?
Don't panic, PND is treatable, you will feel better one day, just keep on talking and be honest with people about how you are feeling, they are trying to help you not judge you.

God Bless

A few weeks ago you wanted to leave the hospital, that proves you are NOT a bad person and Mum. a few weeks ago you wanted to be the best mum in the world.

Ineedaguardianangel, you are NOT a bad person. It is the depression that causes these feelings. When people suffer from awful depression, it can be quite common to think that you are a bad person and of harmimg people.

You have been through an awful time. My heart went out to you as I was reading the post. And other readers too, found it a sad story. So its quite undersatndle to have depression. You have been through a major life change, in some awful circumtances.

Can you stay with your MIL again?

Ineedaguardianangel - Aw, keep strong, you sound a perfectly normal and lovely mummy to me, you have done the right thing, keep posting and take care, prayers in full support for you and you family.

Don't be too hard on yourself, you have been through soo much.

Believe it or not, huge numbers of people do have thoughts like this - far more than ever have the courage to say. You've done everything in your power to get yourself and your little one through this and make sure the pair of you are safely cared for whilst you feel this low. That's a sign of how good a mum you are, even if feeling that way is the scariest thing in the world at the time. Prayers aplenty for you.

Thank you all so much for the kind words and the prayers...I have faith that it will all get better eventually, that I just need to make it through each day and remember to breathe and somehow, someday this fog will lift. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. I think I've been just barely hanging on for awhile now and keeping it all bottled in. I probably would have kept trying to deal with everything myself if it weren't for the fear of hurting my daughter on Wednesday. I won't let myself do that. And I'm looking over at her playing in her playnest right now kicking away, smiling, and cooing - she really is the most beautiful thing in the world and it kills me that I could have thought of harming her. I'll do anything it takes to get through this for her sake.

Dutchoma - No, I'm afraid I'm pretty far away from my family - they're a 5 hour time zone difference, and my closest RL friends are 8 hour time zones away. I hadn't lived near my family for 10 years before moving here, so my friends were closer to me than family in some ways really. It's been pretty hard to not be able to pick up the phone anytime I want.

Serin - My GP was actually lovely - she was kind enough to say that I have been through more during the pregnancy and post-natal period than any other patient she's ever had and that if I weren't feeling this way she'd be shocked. Whether true or not, it was really sweet of her to say. I don't know how long it will take to be seen - I think she was sending off the letter that day and she did tell me that I am welcome to come talk to any of the GPs in the practice anytime I need to in the meantime. She didn't want to rush to prescribe anything until I've been seen, in the hopes that maybe I'll get through this with counseling alone. May I ask what helped you the most?

She's beginning to cry for a feed, so I'm off for now, but I will write more later. Again thank you all for listening/responding...I appreciate it so much.

praying for you honey. Well done for asking for help. Would you like to give us an indication of whereabouts in the country you are to see if any of us can give you some practical support too? I'm in S Yorks.

Much love x

INAGA your gp is absolutely right - you have been through far more than most people. What utter dedication on your part to keep feeding your dd whilst you were in hospital without her.
Please do come and join us on the prayer thread anytime you like - we are all praying for you and your family. May God surround you with His love and compassion and wrap you up in the comfort of His peace.

prayer thread

Hi Ineedagaurdianangel,

I'm glad that you have a supportive GP, what helped me the most was probably making myself get out of the house every day, round to friends or baby groups or out to the park.

I would look at nature and feel the sun on my face and try to breathe and remember that God was (and is!) with me.

In the house when I could feel fear/anxiety rising up in me I would put on really loud rock music (Texas brown eyed boy, U2 beautiful day, M people) grab the baby and dance around the house with him. My boys play a mean air guitar now.

Good luck honey, I am praying for you.

Hi all, Just wanted to thank you all again for your kindness. One more thing to add to the prayers, I just found out DD was exposed to chickenpox last week...and we're really hoping she doesn't get it now. DH hasn't had it either, so it's entirely possible they may both contract it. I sometimes have to remind myself of my grandmother telling me that "we're never given more than we can handle" and wondering if maybe this is the sign of that or what. Though I already have admitted I'm having trouble handling what's in front of me now. But maybe that's it - maybe I'm being tested now with more to show me that it is possible to be strong whilst asking for help?

PandaG - I'm a bit far away - in Glasgow.

Serin - The Glasgow location makes it a bit difficult to get out in the sun! But I know that the few days it has been sunny and we've gotten out it did seem to help my mood. I think that the lack of sun here may be part of my problem - I lived in a hot sunny beach location before moving here. I have a hard time dragging myself out in the rain. And I'm smiling at your son's air guitar skills...DD's favorite lullabye is Sweet Child O' Mine (old guns n'roses)...

CaptainCaveman - thanks for the invite, I will pop along in a bit. And I'm not sure how much was dedication so much as determination - we were nearly told it was hopeless at the start, but I just couldn't give up. The first night I was in through A&E there was not pumps or containers available to me, so I actually had to hand-express into the only sterile container the sisters could find (which I suspect was a urine specimen container (shudders) ) but it got enough milk home for her until DH could bring my pump to the ward in the morning. I was so afraid that if I gave into the temptation to use formula that I wouldn't get back into breastfeeding and I really wanted to breastfeed.

You are not a bad person, you have an illness which is being treated and you will get better. I wish you luck and strength.