Christian forgiveness - any insights?

[BoundariedForgiveness]

So my question is this:

The bible speaks of forgiving others as God forgives us.

No one likes the injustice in the account about the man who was forgiven a lot of debt, but then threw a colleague into prison for owing him much less than he'd been let off for himself.

It reads as you're not supposed to expect your prayers to be heard if you hold any grudges, and before partaking in communion are instructed to resolve any differences with your 'brother'.

So forgiveness is important and it makes sense if we ask for it ourselves and don't want to be hypocritical.

But my ex, and his toxic mother, did so much damage to me that I cannot think of them with any openness at all. It feels like a protective boundary and I'm not sure I am confusing this safety net with unforgiveness.

Surely forgiveness doesn't mean automatic restoration, something that should only be reserved for those proven safe and trustworthy?

But in the other hand, to avoid them and look the other way if you see them in the street doesn't feel very forgiving. I don't feel open in my mind at all when I think of them. Quite the opposite, I feel a twist in my gut and I am not at peace with them at all. When I saw a group photo of one of them in amongst some of my friends, my heart sank. I didn't feel forgiving and wished they weren't there!

So how does forgiveness look in a situation like this? They're not asking for my forgiveness by the way, it might be easier to do it cautiously if they did; no, this is purely between me and God and dealing with my own internal reactions.

i’m about to engage in a study about domestic abuse this morning, so much of our past history is in the forefront of our mind which is probably why I’m thinking about forgiveness. Currently, I never let him into my home when he comes to collect the children and it feels like his innocent protest assumes some kind of unfair punishment but for me is self preservation. I feel sorry for the children though, except that I think they also benefit from the boundary of a safe place he never inhabits. I promote their relationship with him as far as they are able so make sure it doesn’t get in their way, but when I think of the stories where someone has murdered their child and they sit in a room with them, and threw some incredible restorative just are able to genuinely embrace the perpetrator. Again, I think this might be different if the person is seeking forgiveness but I don’t know. i know I am certainly not in that place myself and feel I should be.

Re Christian forgiveness, for me, AgileGreenSeal said it all. Somebody once told me that holding onto unforgiveness is like taking poison yourself in the hope the other person will be poisoned (or something like that). Holding on to unforgiveness is poisonous to the soul. As alluded to by previous posts, to forgive others is actually to do what is best for you and to know that God will deal with whatever needs to be dealt with regarding the other party/parties.

I too have somebody who has hurt me greatly. With God's grace and through prayer, I have forgiven. "Search my heart, oh God. Reveal to me what is hidden ...". This does not mean I have forgotten, but my choice is to forgive and 'let it go'. God has softened my heart towards the other party enough for me to see that hurting people, hurt people. They need to deal with their own issues and occasionally, if their names are dropped into my heart by the Holy Spirit, I will pray again for continued grace and forgiveness towards them and pray also for their healing and wholeness.

Restoration is something different and separate. For restoration to take place then the other party must first be so 'broken' by them acknowledging and owning the harm done by their own words/actions/behaviours, they are desperate to apologise, make reparation and to seek forgiveness. Until or unless that happens then God gave us a brain, and so to have safe boundaries is a good idea.

As PPs have said, I think you have probably already forgiven your ex more than you realise. Ask yourself this question: if you found him in a desperate need which you could help at minimal cost to yourself, would you help him? Like if you found him locked in a burning building to which you had the key and it was safe to approach, would you leave him or unlock it? Or in a more simple way, if he came to pick up the children and was obviously in some pain and asked if you had any painkillers, would you give then to him? Would you let him use your phone to call an ambulance if his wasn't working?

Is your ex is making your feel guilty about setting boundaries? If boundaries are a new thing which you have not been empowered to do over the course of your marriage, then that will take some adjustment for him. So he may be making you feel like not letting him into the house is an act of cruelty and a sign of your unforgiveness. It's not. If your ex is broken in his thinking, and entitled in his behaviour, then he will want things that are unhealthy and inappropriate. We don't give our children unhealthy and damaging things even if they ask for them, so you don't need to submit to your ex's inappropriate requests. It's okay to take steps to prevent him from behaving in a way that harms you. God doesn't want him to harm you, so you are helping him become closer to what God wants for him.

For me, forgiveness is training yourself to see the person who injured you as a person created by God, fearfully and wonderfully made, and loved by God as much as you and your children are. BUT that doesn't mean you don't also see him as fundamentally broken, cruel and dangerous to your well-being. And it doesn't mean that you stop hurting from the pain. And it doesn't mean that you can't maintain boundaries. Forgiveness is primarily what goes on in your own mind and soul, rather than a fixed set of outward behaviours, and the outward appearance of forgiveness can look very different in different situations.