Conflicted about becoming a Catholic

[CultureAlienationBoredomandDespair]

I’ve been feeling torn over the past few years and wondered if anyone could give me some guidance.

I was brought up in a home where everyone believed in God and would have identified as CoE but neither myself or my parents were ever baptised. We would only go to church for school things/ carol concerts etc. It wasn’t a big part of our lives but my parents would pray sometimes, my nan wore a cross etc.

I grew up and would call myself a theist, I’ve explored attending different churches and religions a few times but never regularly or commited to anything.

I met my DH 8 years ago when he lived in my city, I knew he was a catholic and had been an alter boy but he wasn’t practising and it had no impact on our lives. We married in a registry office. I used to attend church with his family at Christmas and Easter or other occasions and always enjoyed it and found peace and joy. We moved nearer his DPs who were very religious as are all of their friends who have been extremely kind and welcoming.

His DPs both fell very ill and have passed away, during that time I really saw the comfort that the family of of church brought and their funerals had so much more meaning to me than any others I’ve ever attended.

When we had DC1, DH said he would like him to be baptised as a catholic (partly because of schools) but wasn’t insistent if I was opposed, which I wasn’t. My DPILs were still alive at this time and I think pleasantly surprised. When DC2 came along it seemed natural to baptise him too.

I suppose that I’ve spent a lot of time in church over the last 4 years and really enjoy going to mass, I find it comforting and in a strange way it feels like I’m coming home. I’ve also felt increasingly aware of my position as an “outsider” as the only non-catholic in our family (we have minimal contact with my side of the family) and in our circle of friends (our city has a large catholic demographic).

I’ve been increasingly drawn towards becoming part of the church but ultimately even though I feel incredibly comfortable in church and with faith in god I don’t feel that I could really believe literally in transubstantiation or even in the virgin birth. I know that DH doesn’t either, not his siblings or friends but somehow because they were born into the church it doesn’t matter. It’s still very important to them and they definitely see Catholicism as being “their tribe” and it’s one I feel excluded from.

I haven’t discussed this with anyone as I want to sort my own thoughts out first. DH would be supportive but surprised.

I would suggest signing up for RCIA classes. Pretty soon because they often run concurrently with the academic year so you might already have missed sign up for this year.

It's a course which gives an introduction to the Catholic Church. It's designed especially for people who are thinking of converting, but there's absolutely no expectation that you actually will. It's on you to make a choice to convert, and if you don't then you will be very welcome at the course just to follow it and find out more. I teach RCIA and there's often one or two people in the cohort who are married to Catholics and just want to find out more, without commitment.

You might find that once you get to sit down and hear a proper explanation of transubstantiation, and especially if you also go to Mass and are surrounded by other people living out their belief in it, it makes more sense to you. A lot of the faith is like that. Or you might hear the explanations and still decide it's not for you. But IMO RCIA is the best place to explore without pressure to convert. Maybe don't mention it to extended family though, Catholics who are not involved in the course often think it's only for converts.

Obviously parishes vary, but I hope you find a good one where the RCIA programme is taken seriously and well taught.

Becoming a catholic is the best thing i ever did!

That’s great! What drew you to it?

Thank you. I have thought about RICA before. I’m not sure whether to do it at my current church where I know people and have family connections or wait until we relocate next year and use it as an opportunity to get to know people at our new church.

I think you’re confusing cultural Catholicism with belief.

I’m culturally Catholic in that I grew up in a devout family in a devout Catholic society, was educated at convent schools, and to this day, despite being an atheist, could remember saints’ feast days, the order of the Sorrowful Mysteries, and all rituals, mass responses and hymns, the vestment colours for the different parts of the ecclesiastical year, as well as all the parts of the catechism memorised for confirmation. I also think the Catholic Church has caused unbelievable harm, in my country and elsewhere, and that if it continues to exist, it needs significant reform. I haven’t baptised DS and he’s attended secular schools.

But, despite this, cultural Catholicism is a tribe I can’t leave. (You know that Dara O’Briain joke about whether someone is a Protestant atheist or a Catholic atheist? I’m definitely a Catholic atheist, and my complete lack of belief can’t strip away my childhood of May processions, pilgrimages to Marian shrines, the Legion of Mary, contact with nuns, confession, Stations of the Cross, Lent fasting etc.)

Ultimately, cultural Catholicism isn’t a ‘tribe’ you can join by converting — you say yourself that your DH and his friends and family don’t believe in the things their faith technically requires them to believe, as indeed many or most Catholics don’t. It would be like moving to a country in adulthood and expecting to feel like a native who grew up immersed in that country’s language, worldview etc.

So I think you should separate off your understandable desire to belong to the tribe of your DH, his family and his friends from your religious beliefs. If your DH weren’t Catholic, or you were closer to your own family, would you still be drawn to Catholicism? Why, specifically?

I agree with @Nannerli - if it's closeness to family that's at bottom of this, 'culture' that's one thing.
I did do RCIA and it was fascinating, and I ultimately completed joining the church but I'd say that many of the people sponsoring new members didn't sign up to everything although the people running the course did, and I had serious doubts by the time I was officially welcomed to the church particularly around beliefs around the theology of the body.

If your kids are catholic, and you're going to mass, like it, and they're going to catholic school, does seem like a good idea to investigate further to me - I agree I'd be inclined to do it in the new place to make friends etc.

@Nannerli and @Therightcoffee I think you’re right. If DH and DC weren’t Catholic it isn’t something I’d be considering- but also I wouldn’t be going to mass etc. I think maybe it is a desire to not be the outsider that’s drawing me towards it and I suppose I do have to accept that even if I converted it wouldn’t be the same.

Maybe doing RICA when we move might be a good thing, even if just to make friends and find out more. I like the idea of doing it in the same church as my DH and DC but maybe it needs to be a more personal journey rather than wanting to join them.

Don't do it just don't

I don't see why you need to have only one motivation particularly as long as you're aware of what it can and can't be - as long as it matters to you. It's a very interesting course if it's done well.

That’s very helpful.

I was brought up a Catholic and the church repulses me. I've seen the damage caused by the church as it became too powerful, there's currently an investigation into the sexual abuse of children in Ireland in Catholic schools which was covered up by the Church. This is a worldwide phenomenon.

The Church dominated people's lives, and created a lot of misery. Their views on women are disgraceful; there are nuns serving priests for free but unable to become church leaders. The church views a woman's role as submissive to men.

They view homosexuality as a mortal sin and don't allow the use of contraception or divorce.

I'm not sure why you'd want to be a part of that.

It actually is very helpful, see the next post below for a more expanded viewpoint

This'll be why I said don't do it. I suffered the same

Some of the stuff that happened, doesn't bear thinking about and these were meant to be 'holy' people. If you went through similar, I'm sorry 💐

@CultureAlienationBoredomandDespair I was bought up C of E but went to a catholic school. I went to Lourdes with the then Handicapped children's pilgrimage trust. And got bitten by the Lourdes bug. It felt like the decision was out of my hands and was not my decision. I fid the RCIA. It wasn't what I needed. But it got me involved in the community.

Catholicism is not just the Church though. It's a religion, not a social institution. OP you're going to get a lot of posts on here about the evil the Church has done and it should never be glossed over and nor should people who left/ are angry because of it be ignored, but I'm presuming you know about this stuff and it's not what you were asking about.

I was raised Catholic, I'm not now. I don't know any Catholic who follows the Church in every respect - my devout mother taught me the opposite of what they said regarding gay people and contraception, for instance. Catholicism also emphasises the importance of the individual conscience. I don't think there is an extra burden on a convert to be a better believer.

I don't think what you say sounds like solely a desire for cultural Catholicism at all. The way you speak about the peace and joy you find in the services and at the funeral you attended suggests it is meaningful to you. I don't think you need to embrace every single aspect of doctrine to be baptised. Faith is a process anyway - "Lord I believe, help my unbelief."

Personally I think all religions are different ways of getting at the truth. If there's one in front of you that your friends and family practise, that gives you joy, in which you see holiness, that makes sense to you in some if not all respects, why not that one? It's your relationship with God and other people and the ethics of your actions that matter most, not whether you can deeply realise and believe in every point of doctrine. Until you are fully practising in a religion I think it's hard to know what parts of it will be meaningful to you or not. If I was you I would go for it. I hope you find the right path for you either way.

*not JUST a social institution, I should have said. I'm not trying to minimise the church's responsibilities and failures.