Is this religious trauma?

[PositivelyPensive]

I should start by saying I'm fine and well now, with a good and secure job, home, partner. I've chosen to remain childfree.

Grew up in a Christian/evangelical church, and even went to a Christian school. Everything felt very puritan: no make up, no dancing, no boys.

My parents had their own psychological issues that manifest into religious fanaticism and fundamentalism. They freely admitted they regretted having children, would beat us etc.

Growing up I always thought this was normal , but questioned it when I became an adult. Why have kids when you're only concerned with them being "good Christians" above all else? There is literally no other reason to be alive in their minds, just pushing through the evil until then end. Like Pilgrims Progress.

They were always super controlling and still are (I'm early 40s). I openly went away from the church in my mid-20s when I moved in with a boyfriend. He was physically abusive. The first time it happened I went home and immediately my parents were on me saying what I had to do now: get back into the church, no more going out etc. Surprise, surprise I went back to the abusive boyfriend- after all, I could be free with him and the abuse only happen 2-3 times a year. I (at the time, felt I) couldn't afford to live on my own. He wasn't too controlling the rest of the time. We had fun together etc.

There are many other examples i can give.

Fast forward to right now: it has just dawned on me, I feel like I've hardly lived. Always doing things out of duty to parents, partners, work. Trying to walk the good walk, or the traditional path. What if someone told me: life is for living, if you're not enjoying something stop doing it, no excuse needed. How different would my life have been?

I think I'm having a mini mid-life crisis.

But I also wonder, is this religious trauma? Have others had similar experiences? How have you reframed your perspective on the meaning of life from suffering and endurance to actually living for you?

I'm particularly interested in people who have "gone away" from dogmatic forms of religion, rather than finding meaning in finding God. Not sure if this is the right board for this!

Your parents were abusive. Perhaps in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter that they did it in the 'name' of their religion. They abused you all the same. You have suffered the trauma of being abused as a child, and it has continued into your adulthood as well.

I'm assuming you are in contact with them, and do you still go to the same church?

Your childhood seemed extreme so I understand the term abusive. However we are exposed to some dogmatic beliefs as we grow up through childhood. Whether that is parents, education, culture, media, friends, relatives, religion, politics etc etc.
And then one day something clicks and the question "there is more to life than this" arises and Self introspection begins.
Perhaps you have arrived at that point.

Thanks for the replies. I'm still in contact with my parents, but just a montly phone call type relationship, I live hundreds of miles away. But don't go to church as I struggle to reconcile my lifestyle (I'm divorced and live with a partner unmarried, who isn't Christian) with Christian beliefs.

I only every felt guilty at church despite baptism and being "born again", even when I was 14 and looking back wasn't even doing anything wrong (I might have talked about a friend behind their back, listened to pop music, worn a miniskirt, fancied a boy). I never felt God was real, I was just scared of hell - still am really.

Now I try to live more mindfully - I try to be kind, give to charity, treat people and animals with respect. In other words, doing what I think is right (in my own eyes... which i know is "wrong"). Occasionally fire up a prayer to God to apologise for how things turned out. But I don't have an interest in going back to the church or having a meaningful relationship with my parents.

Your parents were abusive OP
And nasty to use religion as an excuse

I'm a Christian and feel awful they did this very unchristian thing and led you to take some bad life choices

Please try and separate yourself from the absolute bollocks they have spouted.
Do what feels good and right for you

Oh yeah, there's plenty of religious trauma in there.

Solidarity from another survivor. Be kind to yourself. It's not your fault. x

It all sounds a bit confusing. Just trying to make sense of it: Your parents, you say, were (are?) religious fundamentalists with psychological issues who say they regret having you. They still control you and are super controlling, but they live hundreds of miles away and your only contact is a monthly 'phone call type thing. You have no interest in having a meaningful relationship with them.

As Philip Larkin said 'they fuck you up, your mum and dad ...' It's so sad that many, many people have to live with the consequences of having experienced unloving parenting, or no parenting.

You went from your perception of an abusive childhood home, into what you say was a physically abusive relationship but the abuse 'only' happened 2 or 3 times a year. Other than that you were free and had fun.

At aged 40 you feel you are having a midlife crisis. You are reflecting on your life and how different it could have been.

It's quite normal and natural for people to reflect on their lives, especially as they enter into their autumn years, and think 'what if'. Everyone's life is full of sliding door moments and I'm sure most folk are regretful, or grateful, over things they've done, had done to them, and their life-choices.

You never felt God was real and you are scared of Hell. You have no interest in going back to 'the church' and you want to find people who have left 'dogmatic religion'. You feel you can't 'go to church' because you are divorced, and you live with a person who is not a Christian.

Around this, I'm not certain what it is you are looking for - is it for affirmation that God is not real? In which case I'd say, why worry about 'hell' 'cos if you think God isn't real, then neither is hell.

Do you think you can only 'go to church' if you somehow lead a perfect life? I can, with assurance, tell you that 'church' is full of imperfect people, whose lives are far from perfect! God knows the secrets of our hearts and he knows those who pay lip-service, or those who worship Him and who endeavour to lead a God-centred life.

Whatever it is you want; whatever it is you are looking for, I hope you find peace in your life, and would urge you to stay away from religion. Religions makes folk do the things of which you accuse your parents, and worse. I hope, for your own healing, that one day you find it in your heart to forgive your parents their failings.

For me, I can only tell you that my peace around all my many 'life's challenges' comes from having faith in the Lord Christ Jesus and from the peace of God, which passes all understanding ... (Philippians 4:7)

@Thegreatestoftheseislove, yes what you have said is mostly right. Including the contradictions.

I sense some doubt in the phrases you have repeated, so some of this is for clarity. I've recently reduced contact with my parents, whenever I phone or visit they turn every conversation into religion. They post my books and tracks to my address.

I'm not sure your point of "on what you say was an abusive relationship" he gave me black eyes and a split lip on occasion, including pulling my hair out, so I think most would agree that is abuse. My "only", "we had fun" etc comments expressed my point of view at the time and in comparison to what I faced at my parents' home, which was constant domination and control through religion and what "the Bible says". Instead of supporting me when I tried to come home they immediately tried to control me (at 26 years old) by saying what I should and shouldn't do (I.e., you will start going to church; you won't be meeting your friends after work). All because I dared to "move in with a boyfriend", which was worse than the abuse from my boyfriend at the time.

Re. "god isn't real", what I meant was - if he is real I never felt his realness. Whereas in the church you hear people talking about feeling a great love, or Him talking to them etc. I never felt these things. I never felt any realness - I was in the church from birth, so this isn't about "going away from God". I genuinely tried to be a Christian through all of my childhood and teen years. All I ever felt was guilt

What I'm looking for is a perspective on how to build a sense of a normal and enjoyable life, now. Especially if people have been through similar with a highly dogmatic upbringing. For 10 years of my life, I went to church 7 days a week (twice on Sundays). Most of the time, I've been trying to "do the right thing" one way or another. I want to understand if anyone has had similar experiences. I want to know if this is religious trauma.

Is it a thing? Do people have children purely because they want to raise "good Christians" and see it as their duty to "be fruitful and multiply", but they don't actual care about the quality of life of that child? A person has children not because they want the children to be happy and have good lives, they just wanted to create another Christian?

Thank you. This means a lot.

No there was no 'doubt', I was just trying to make sense of your posts to try and understand.

You can't 'try' to be a Christian - you either are or you are not. God knows our hearts and He can't be fooled. For all that historical religious stuff in your life, I think you need to try to, in the words of the song, let it go.

People have children for countless reasons. You can only ask your parents their reasons for having children. It was emotional abuse to freely admit they regretted having you. That's very sad. I wasn't raised by fundamental religious fanatics like you, but nonetheless, my childhood too was Puritan and physically and verbally strict and not the best.

Even if you can or do claim a label 'religious trauma' and have that affirmed by the good folk here, I am not asking unkindly, but how will that label help you move forward?

Your parents were 'bad' to you, your partner was 'bad' to you, church has been 'bad' to you - your choice is to dwell in the place of badness however it is labelled, or make use of those challenges to grow, heal, and do better than those who have hurt you: to overcome rather than remain feeling a victim.

We can only go by the words you have typed here, but I do think you would benefit from counselling to try and make sense of your life's experiences and how to shake off the baggage and move on. You say you've hardly lived - it's within your power now, to not waste whatever time if left to you, to live the life you want.

As we are in 'religion and philosophy' I can only say again that for me, my peace around all my many 'life's challenges', and my ability to live life to the fullest I can, comes from having faith in the Lord Christ Jesus and from the peace of God, which passes all understanding ... (Philippians 4:7)

I urge you to listen to the I Was A Teenage Fundamentalist podcasts. They’re also on Facebook but the podcasts have helped many people

Yes. I have religious trauma. I suffered in a ‘Christian’ marriage for 10 years before realising I didn’t need to be unhappy. I now live for me and no one else. No one else’s idea of what I should and shouldn’t do. Happy to chat privately if you want to.

I understand completely op, I was early 40s before I broke free as i was foolish enough to marry in the religion................ Expected something awful to happen to my kids because I left and wasn't bringing them up in the religion. It didn't, they are all fully functioning adults now.

It's brainwashing, plain and simple, so difficult to shake off I'm afraid even when your logical brain tells you its sooooo wrong but eventually you can find peace the majority of the time. (Biblical sayings still spring into my mind automatically and I'm in my 60s). It is child abuse, the only excuse for the parents is that they were brainwashed too I guess and thought they were doing the right thing but I still don't forgive mine for the things they did, especially my mother as she married into it when I was a toddler for financial support of a man rather than belief. Try to push it all to the back of your mind and live your life as you see fit otherwise it takes even more of our lives away💐

Ask yourself this. Would Jesus have wanted parents to abuse their children in his name? Would he have wanted your parents to give you a black eye, a split lip or pull your hair out? No he wouldn't. He'd have been horrified.

So sorry for you and for OP that you’ve had to go through these terrible experiences.

The important word here is ‘brainwashing’ and I would imagine that specialist help might be needed in these circumstances.

It’s such a cruel way to behave towards your children - religious fanaticism is dangerous on so many levels but child abuse of this kind is probably the worst.

Well done for surviving and being strong enough to fight your way out of it, you have my absolute respect.

I'm so sorry you've had such a traumatic and abusive childhood. It's not unusual it's all coming to the surface as that trauma will need to be addressed eventually, have you considered therapy?
I hope you find the support and help you're looking for, to work through the emotional hurt and trauma from your childhood and also into your adult life too..

I think it’s religious trauma because I also grew up in a small, religious fundamentalist group but without the abusive upbringing that you describe. I am still close to my religious family members, even if their worldview is all about their religion with their hopes I will eventually return.

I think what’s so traumatic about it is the way you don’t have a choice for anything else if you are born into it. You are brought up in the religion, taken to Sunday School, church, socials etc and outside contact is discouraged. You are constantly told how evil the world is and how everyone who doesn’t have a religion has empty, meaningless lives with no hope at all. Growing up, I deliberately distanced myself from others and married a not so great partner choice who had strong religious opinions but who pressured me into sex before marriage. So there was a lot of cognitive dissonance going on.

I feel much happier now that I have left - it’s been nearly 4 years and now I am non-religious . The whole we love you thing but with very strong conditions did my head in. Relationships in religion are highly conditional, full of love bombing and a form of coercive control in making sure you never leave. So I have had to rebuild my life as all the non related, friends I had in the church are gone. That aspect has been the most challenging as it’s hard to make new friends later in life but I never want to go back to that feeling of being blackmailed.

definitely listen to I Was A Teenage Fundamentalist podcast. i'd also recommend Sexvangelicals too. it's been a life changer for me. i left the church, and god, (and husband) about 12 months ago. it's taken me a good few months to accept i have religious trauma, which i am now receiving support for. it is a long journey which you need to take at your own pace. but the freedom is worth it x

I wonder whether the most hurtful thing here is not the religion exactly but feeling, and to all intents and purposes, being, unwanted? That would have/ will cut very deep indeed. And does not exactly follow the Bible's command to love your children.
It sounds a bit like your parents were involved in something like the Quiverful movement? If you Google escaping that, you will find lots of folk who understand.