Seeking Advice on Attending Church of England Services as an LGBT Family

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Hi everyone,

I’m reaching out for some advice and support—please, no judgment. I'm posting here as a reasonably safe space, as I don't want to hinder my relationship with our local church community, which I'm just beginning to build, but I have many questions.

I’m part of the LGBT community and have recently started attending a Church of England Sunday service with my child. Currently, it’s just the two of us attending, as my partner isn’t interested in joining. I’d love to know what people think the reaction might be if things changed and my partner started attending with us. Would we be welcome, unwelcome, or something else?

Right now, my hope is to attend the weekly services without needing to specifically discuss our LGBT identity. It’s an important part of our lives, and I don’t want us to feel like we have to hide it—especially for my child, who has never known anything different.

I’m fascinated by religion, and my child shares this interest. We thought attending church would be a great way to explore and decide if it’s right for us.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on how to approach being LGBT in this setting. Do you think people will want to know more about us as we continue to attend? Is discussing our identity inevitable?

Additionally, neither of us are baptised, so we aren’t participating in the bread and wine part of the service. If I’m honest, we may never be. How are parishioners who attend regularly but never engage in this part of the ceremony honestly viewed?

Thanks in advance for your insights—from a very curious person!

I'd also advise just emailing the vicar and see what their response is. I know a trans woman who was so anxious and nervous about attending that she emailed and received a very positive and welcoming message. Fuck the Catholics though because they won't welcome you. Some of the most high anglican churches are surprisingly welcoming though.

Just like many others upthread have said about their churches, you would be very welcome in ours too.
Our vicar has often mentioned that he would like to see more people from the LGBT community in the church.

You don’t need to be baptised to take communion in Church of England.
Also, is it high church or low? High church may be a bit ‘shocked’ if they find out you are LGBT

Not necessarily the case!
Lots of evangelical style churches are what you'd call low church and are anti-lgbtq+, whilst many cathedrals with very much high church services are members of the inclusive church network.

I really appreciate everyone’s responses. They’ve been incredibly interesting and useful.

Regarding whether the church is high or low, I’ll be honest—I’m not entirely sure. Based on what everyone has shared, I’d say it’s more on the high/medium side. The clergy wear formal attire, and there’s a significant level of ceremony during their Sunday service. The vicar is a woman. They’re not part of the Inclusive Church network but describe themselves on their website as a “friendly and inclusive church.” So far, I haven’t seen anything to suggest otherwise.

If it doesn’t turn out to be what I’m hoping for, I do have another option. From everything I’ve read, plan B is definitely inclusive, though it’s a bit further away, whereas the current one is just around the corner. Fingers crossed it works out!

Women clergy is usually a good sign (though obviously not a guarantee!)
Hope you feel you can get what you need out of it, and remember, you belong in the church regardless of your identity.

If you would like to have a blessing whilst the congregation is having bread and wine you can go to the alter holding the prayer book and kneel. The vicar will know that it’s a sign that you are not confirmed. People are generally baptized as babies and then confirmed when they are older which is when they can take communion.

@lostoldname wow, that's really interesting. A member of the church whispered to me to hold a piece of paper infront of me if I went up for Holy Communion. Since we were whispering, I couldn't ask why, but presumably this is the reason? Would you still receive the bread and wine, or is that reserved for those who are baptised only?

At CofE it would generally be expected that you're baptised and confirmed to receive communion, but it doesn't have to be in the CofE - most churches are happy to have you join in communion if you would "normally have it at your own church" (e.g. if you were baptised in the URC but not confirmed, where you'd be welcome to partake). Some churches will say the invitation to the communion table is open to all - my own URC church does this, and that means all, regardless of baptismal status.
If you take it, nobody's going to ask for a confirmation certificate! But it is a ritual with significant meaning, so really it's up to you whether you'd feel comfortable and respectful partaking if you're not baptised. If at some point you or your child ever choose to be baptised, you may find it more meaningful to partake then for the first time. Or you may not - I don't know, I'm not you.
FWIW, I'm baptised and confirmed in the URC and I personally wouldn't take communion in a Catholic church unless specifically invited to do so by the priest because I'm not a confirmed Catholic and it would feel disrespectful to me (there's also some fairly key theological differences as to what the bread and wine represent). I would take communion in a CofE church.

High church - uses incense. Sticks to using the liturgy. Big focus on communion which they may call mass. Proper outfits for clergy, not just a dog collar. Might have a service doing Book of Common Prayer.

High church was always a classic gay place, only a very sheltered parishoner would be shocked about anyone being LGBT.

Just to be confusing low church might mean woman vicar, lots of pastoral care and community projects, a pragmatic view on how to run a service or it might mean worship band, slightly competitive speaking in tongues or at least ecstatic hand in the air for the chorus. The latter has a side order of misogyny and homophobia - usually isn't long before they get on to the man being head of the house.

I'd just echo what previous posters have said re high church vs low church. In My experience, it's often the more traditional CofE (in terms of liturgy, service style) who are the most welcoming. If a church describes itself as 'evangelical', I assume it's not welcoming to LGBT people.

Good luck with your church! I started attending my church in London after looking specifically for a LGBT affirming church. My wife and I had a service of blessing in the church after our civil partnership (as it was back then!) and our daughter was baptised there a year later :-)

I thought I’d drop in with an update. Thanks to everyone for your advice; it’s been incredibly helpful. Another month has passed, and I’ve still been attending. I’ve kept to myself, but people seem friendly enough, exchanging smiles and such.

One thing I’ve noticed is that the church's name includes "Evangelist," referring to the saint it’s named after. However, it also describes itself as an Evangelical parish on its website. Despite this, it’s not the rock band type—it’s all hymns, cloaks, organs, and pageantry.

Many in this chat warned me about Evangelical churches, mainly due to the potential teachings and my LGBT status. So far, I’ve not heard anything in the services that expressed anything but care, compassion, and love for people.

Any thoughts? It might sound silly, but could this still be the kind of Evangelical place people advised me to avoid, even though it’s part of the C of E and focuses on traditional worship?

Fingers crossed it sounds OK. Evangelical is a bit of a weasel word as it can mean 'we want more people to hear the good news about Jesus' which is fine and all churches would want that, or it can mean 'we worship and believe in a very specific way and if you don't do that you will burn in hell'

I went to one church as a student that got on to 'the gays are going to hell' within 10 minutes of my arrival.

Well at least they were clear and I didn't waste much of my time.

If it was, for example, St John the Evangelist, that's just a way of telling between different saints with the same name, as far as I know. Kinda like a saint surname 😁 John the E is the guy that wrote the gospel and John the B (Baptist) is the guy that baptised people. Both can be called St John

This demonstrates that you should use your own powers of discernment and objectivity to assess whether the church is a right fit for you and not to be swayed by people who could be using prejudiced lens regarding the word 'evangelical'.

Not prejudice, but based on very bitter experience. It's a sad fact that 'evangelical' is often a short hand for 'gays not welcome here.'

Glad to hear you're still getting on OK at your church OP. Fingers crossed it continues to be a supportive environment. You don't say whether you're 'out' to others in the church but I hope it proves to be a community where you're free to be yourself, exactly as God made you :-)

In my church this would be no problem at all. The vicar is a lovely open minded lady, divorced and remarried, single mum for years. There is an openly gay man in the choir who attended with his civil partner until he died 8 years ago and so now attends on his own, but openly talks about Christian Pride week. We all love and accept him just as we do everyone else.
Also, the new Dean of our city, to be installed in September in the Cathedral, is openly gay and living with a man. Everyone loves him (even the King and Archbishop of Canterbury apparently). Hope you find acceptance in church OP.

You can receive a blessing if you're not baptised. Strictly speaking you shouldn't take communion unless you've been confirmed.

At the eucharist just bow your head when you reach the front and the priest will give you a blessing. It might be a way to feel better involved.

There is no animosity to LGB in my church

Depends on the denomination. A lot of churches you can take communion with being baptised or confirmed. A lot of churches don’t do confirmation (those with adult baptism instead of child baptism for example)

Just to say that there is a growth of churches that describe themselves as evangelical that are also inclusive.

See this conference.

https://stjamesandemmanuel.org/radical-love-conference/

It has been run, in part because of an increasing number of evangelical churches ( in the C of E at least) are looking into how to be more affirming, how you can have a high view of scripture ( eg, see it as the inspired word of God) but also look at so called "clobber" verses with an affirming interpretation.

Just pick up the Bible and read it, tbh