Seeking Advice on Attending Church of England Services as an LGBT Family

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Hi everyone,

I’m reaching out for some advice and support—please, no judgment. I'm posting here as a reasonably safe space, as I don't want to hinder my relationship with our local church community, which I'm just beginning to build, but I have many questions.

I’m part of the LGBT community and have recently started attending a Church of England Sunday service with my child. Currently, it’s just the two of us attending, as my partner isn’t interested in joining. I’d love to know what people think the reaction might be if things changed and my partner started attending with us. Would we be welcome, unwelcome, or something else?

Right now, my hope is to attend the weekly services without needing to specifically discuss our LGBT identity. It’s an important part of our lives, and I don’t want us to feel like we have to hide it—especially for my child, who has never known anything different.

I’m fascinated by religion, and my child shares this interest. We thought attending church would be a great way to explore and decide if it’s right for us.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on how to approach being LGBT in this setting. Do you think people will want to know more about us as we continue to attend? Is discussing our identity inevitable?

Additionally, neither of us are baptised, so we aren’t participating in the bread and wine part of the service. If I’m honest, we may never be. How are parishioners who attend regularly but never engage in this part of the ceremony honestly viewed?

Thanks in advance for your insights—from a very curious person!

Depends on the church - as long as it's not that evangelical you'll probably be fine and no one will bat an eyelid.

CofE churches vary a lot - from those advertising that they are LGBT friendly and very inclusive to those discussing in the services how everyone LGBT is going to hell. Generally the latter are much more on the evangelical side of things.

Avoid Vineyard/Grapevine/Evangelical Alliance churches. With those, you'll either get outright Gay People are Wicked or they'll be trying to convince you subtly (to pray the gay away).

Bog standard CofE shouldn't be a problem.

Very much depends on the church. Look if it's a member of the "Inclusive Church" network, if it's a link church with the Student Christian Movement, and read the website. Church websites tend to speak in codes, so words like "traditional beliefs" or "Bible-believing" often mean conservative (which is obviously rubbish because all churches believe in the Bible...). You can also email them, if they're inclusive they're likely to email back to explicitly say that they are; some churches will just not respond; and others will say something vague like "everyone is welcome regardless of lifestyle" which is often, again, code for love the sinner hate the sin type beliefs. But if you don't want to discuss it that's fine.

If you fancy trying some different denominations, many Methodist churches (but not all) and many United Reformed Churches are lgbt friendly, as these denominations allow for same-sex marriage - not all are registered for it, but some are lgbt friendly without having done the registration. It's often a bit of trial and error.
I would maybe recommend going along to a few and getting a vibe of who's there without your child, if you want to avoid the risk of them accidentally hearing homophobic stuff. That said, finding a church community that's accepting can be wonderful.
And as for not participating in communion, that's absolutely fine, no judgement.

Back when I was a Christian, I was trying to find a new church at university.

Lots of the students went to this church, they made a big deal of welcoming you so I gave it a try.

They spent the first 30 minutes discussing how dreadful gay people were and that this was the most important issue for the church. Reassessed a few friendships that day as my new mates didn't seem to have a problem as long as it came with a free roast dinner.

Yes, it was Evangelical Alliance.

I would never think anything about churchgoers not taking part in communion. I would not take novice tbh. So many reasons to join or not join.

It varies a lot what the attitude is towards LGBT society and families within CoEf.

In the CoEf church we attend it is not a thing to worry about. No one minds how families are represented.

In reality it is (unfortunately) often about the vicar's attitude. We have a very openminded vicar.

You can sometimes find transcripts of past sermons on church websites too, which can be a good thing to scan for views. Even if there's nothing on gay people specifically, these views usually go hand-in-hand with anti-abortion and anti-feminist (ie no women vicars) rhetoric, so you can look out for the usual set of conservative church viewpoints and filter on that basis. And you can google the vicar, some will have wiki pages if they're particularly involved in the ssm debate one way or the other, although obviously many many clergy have strong or less strong views one way or the other which aren't obvious online

Or simply ask the vicar. Should be happy to answer.

Yes, I also suggested this. It was just that OP was saying they didn't want to discuss it with people straight off, so I was giving other options :)

I echo others thoughts that it depends on the church. Three churches in my CofE parish . I think one has some kind of "we're inclusive" sign up, mine has never even had the conversation within the congregation because I don't imagine it's something anyone would ever think is an issue - and we used to have a same sex couple attend. The third would certainly welcome you, but I know some members are more of the evangelical end of the spectrum and are prayerfully struggling to find their position with the church on the blessing in church of same sex relationships.
Prayers for you and your partner that you find a loving supportive community.

Like lots of other people have said it totally depends on the church, the church goers of that community and the denomination. Not all Churches, Christians, church leaders are the same, even within the same denomination, church, community. The Minister/leader of my mum's church is part of the LGBT community. Is there someone at the church you already get along with and you could ask what the general feeling is?

Our local c of e church would welcome you with open arms. The vicar has done same sex union blessings etc. Can't speak for all of them.

I'm Anglican. Just went to our vicars wedding (to her wife ) it's a fairly traditional looking village church from the outside. Off the top of my head I can't think of a single person from the congregation who didn't attend her wedding including four other local vicars. So, you'd be totally welcome with us, and with many others locally

We did try out a new church for a couple of services but we found out it wasn't LGBT inclusive (and their views on women were also, let's say, not aligned with mine 🤨), so, in my experience sadly they are out there, but also they're not shy about expressing their views so you'd probably find out pretty soon

Not taking communion: I'd probably expect a good vicar might ask really casually at some point if there's any way they can support you to take it and if it's a no, to drop it and never raise it again. Some people do choose to go for adult baptism or confirmation (I did, it was a really special day for me) but you don't have to at all. Some vicars might take the view it's your private decision and they won't ask. If you're being hassled or pressed about it, that's not reasonable

Our bog standard CofE that’s mostly pensioners wouldn’t bat an eyelid and we have lesbian families with children. The more “progressive” looking ones (worship bands, guitars, ministers in normal clothes, anything HTB) tend to be far more conservative.

The CofE is falling over itself at the moment to welcome the LGBTQIP2SQ+ community. I can't see that you'd have a problem.

You sound delighted about that.

They haven't got around to extending it to equal marriage though.

CoEf will. Just a matter of time.

Our CoE village church would not bat an eyelid, and you would be very warmly welcomed.

I've been attending church for around 18 months, and like you, I also find religion (all religions) fascinating. I'm not quite ready for the confirmation process, so in our Holy Communion Services, the vicar gives a blessing instead - you don't have to have a blessing either - my friend tends to quietly observe. I've never felt judged, or judged others during the Communion part of the service; I find it is quite contemplative and moving.

Share as much or as little with the congregation as you feel comfortable with, there's no rush.

🙏

Our C of E village church is always delighted to see new faces and families, and your sexuality would not come into the equation: everyone is God's child and perfect as they are.

I wish you joy in your exploration of faith.

Have an honest and open conversation with the Minister about your concerns. Such a conversation should put concerns to bed and after that, your life-style choice shouldn't be an issue. Regarding the rest of the congregation, it's absolutely nobody else's business and whilst you don't need to be secretive, you also don't need to share if you'd rather not. Just be 'you'.

I attend a Methodist church which is LBTQ friendly, another church in our circuit has a gay vicar and made him and his husband very welcome

You would be welcome to take communion too, baptised or not

Very much depends on the church! Mine is CofE and very public about being inclusive - member of inclusive church, runs a regular service specifically for LGBT+ people and anyone else who wants to go along, marches with Christians at Pride etc. The Inclusive Church website is a good place to start, or ask the vicar or the church office.

I attend with my child but not my DH as he isn't Christian. Nobody has ever asked about this or assumed anything about whether I even have a partner.

I wouldn't even notice if someone else in the congregation chose not to receive communion. I'm very much not aware of who goes up, who doesn't, let alone who receives a blessing at the rail rather than bread and wine.

If a church is part of Inclusive Church they welcome LGBTQI+. If they are not part of IC then it is harder to discern as the conservative churches do not advertise on their websites that they don't affirm women in leadership or welcome LGBT etc.

If the church is part of the Evangelical Alliance or Reform they are not inclusive. Most, but not all, HTB and New Wine churches are not inclusive. Check out the website to see if your church is part of one of these networks. One clue is that the clergy won't be wearing a clerical collar. The dress code for the (usually male) leader will be chinos and a casual shirt.

If the clergy wear gorgeous vestments and there is incense and bells it's an Anglo Catholic Church or high church and the vicar is probably gay.

As a general rule of thumb - if there is a worship band it is likely the church is not inclusive. If there is an organ or the congregation sing along to CDs they are likely to be inclusive.

It is very confusing. Sorry. Ask the vicar if they will be using the prayers of love and faith when they are authorised. This should sort out the inclusive from the not.

My local Anglican church would welcome you. Our local Methodist church would too.
Generally I don't think it will be an issue. More progressive/home churches perhaps less welcoming as they are actually much more conservative in their views and interpretation of scripture.

You would be so so welcome at my church. Do feel free to send me a PM in case you are in my area. There will be bigots who hide behind the rules. I know you aren't catholic but just look at the hypocrisy there with what the pope said today. It makes me sad that people are so tied to rules that they forget the new commandment to love one another and to love our neighbour. If you are interested in some virtual moral support, look up Rev Andrew Hammond on TikTok.

Very welcome in all the mainstream
CofE churches around us. (London).