How can I help my friend (Christian) considering seperation from her husband?

[pinkdolly]

My friend asked me today what I (as another Christian) thought about seperation from her husband.

She is still with him at the moment but heir marriage is not good and this is affecting the children. She doesn't want to seek advice from the Elders about this as she is worried that they will think badley of her.

Basically her husband is passive aggresive. Very controlling. Always putting her down down and belittling her. Never shows her affection or love.If something isn't going exactly as planned he can be a nightmare. This has been going on for some time, they have tried marriage counselling but he is very unwilling to change his attitude. And believes that my friend is the one with the problem. She is the first to admit that she is not blameless in the troubles within her marriage, been trying to change whereas he refuses to do anything about his bahaviour.

They have 4 children 12, 10, 6 and 4. The 10 year old is particualary influenced by her father's behaviour and her attitude is not good. She doesn't seem to respect anybody with authority and mum constantly has to go into school regarding her argueing with the teachers etc.

As Christians they dont believe in divorce. However this situation needs serious attention.

I asked my friend how close to God she was at the moment and she responded not very. She is angry with him over this situation. And whenever she reads the bible she reads how wrong it is to divorce. She needs a break from this man so she can try and build herself back up.

What do I say?

I have offered her my prayer support and said I will go and find out as much as I can to try and help her get through this.

My gut instinct (and I told her this). Is that I feel she needs some space away from him so she can breath, find out who she is and try to get back to God to find some solutions to this. I doidn't know what else to say. My husband can quote scripture whenever he needs to but I have never been good at this.

Please can you give me some input from a Christian perspective to help me help her out.
Thanx

My honest reply as a fellow christian (divorced) is....

He is abusing her - passive aggressive behaviour is abusive. Nitpicking, controlling and putting her down are abusive acts (women's aid website says so)

God will NOT hold it against her; honestly. He (as in God) doesn't agree with divorcing on the grounds of boredom for example, but I couldn't find anywhere in his message and conversations with Him that said that to escape an abusive relationship was bad.

She may well find that a lot of people don't agree with her if she chooses to sort this out, but I agree with you - it needs sorting and if after counselling etc, divorce is the only option left then she has to take it to maintain her mental health (IMVHO)

Thankyou Lewis. You are right of course, it is a form of abuse. She is so scared about what the church and other people will think of her. I have tried to get her to go to the Elders or the pastoral team but she will not. She speaks to me because she knows I wont judge her or gossip but I wish I was more equipped to help her. I have spent time in prayer over this and hope that God will lead to me the right answers. What she is looking for (I think) is a solid biblical answer to say that getting out of this situation is ok. So that if she does it she can have an answer to all those who are disapproving.

Well for a start he is not fulfilling his role as a Christian husband.

The bible teaches men to "Love your wives, as Christ loved the church" which basically means he is to sacrafice himself in order to love, honour and protect her. He is not - he is undermining her and not treating her with any respect.

Secondly, he is not loving his wife as he loves himself (another Ephesians scripture)

As for the elders being judgemental - just tell her that Titus teaches that elders must be blameless. There isn't a blameless person on the face of this earth so she has NOTHING to be ashamed about!

I think all you can do is be there for her.

pinklady, if your friend decides that she can't divorce her husband for religious reasons, she might want to know that English law allows you to get a separation order. Basically you're officially still married but the courts can do all the things that they can in divorce cases e.g. put the house in the name of one partner, order maintenance for the spouse and children etc. Of course you are still married so can't re-marry. IT's not common but it's there for people in exactly this situation.

Perhaps that might give her a way to consider getting out of the relationship without going against her convictions?

How very difficult. Seperation & divorce are 2 different things especially if she is willing to stay in the marriage provided her husband wants to try and change too. Perhaps by moving out her husband will sit up and take notice. Do you think the elders/pastoral team could help find her somewhere to live whilst they try and help them sort out their marriage?

Is her husband a christian?

Please would like to know how this goes - I have a friend in exactly same position only 2 young kids

Why on earth should someone stay with someone who makes them miserable just because a book tells them to?
I dont get it..
why would any religion encourage marriages to stay together if both parties are desparate to go it alone?

i gave up on my marriage way too easily, and i wasnt even miserable.
For people who are miserable, sometimes there is no other option than to split.