Should church only be local?

[Barbarbarann]

We have been attending a local church for 12 years . We live 5 minutes walk to our church but DH and I have been visiting a church we love in a town 15 minute drive away - which was set up by our church. I have been brought up with the view that church must always be local to where you live.

Although our 400-strong church has good doctrine and great kids program (our DCs are now at University) - it has lots of good points but it is not welcoming and there is no natural affection. You often feel like you are intruding on an exclusive club. People are curious but don't actually care. As DH puts it, on a Sunday people say hello but on a Monday, they will cross the road to avoid making eye contact. During coffee you can talk about anything as long as it is not spiritual. If I mention something remotely spiritual, people feel uncomfortable and move away or give me a look to say 'you have overshared'. I have only made two friends in twelve years, one of which moved to the other town and was raving about her church. She was most upset that she stopped attending for 9 months before she resigned her membership and in that whole time no-one reached out to her or asked after her (except for me of course!). But that is what our church is like.

We have been visiting this other church and it is completely different – people actually speak to us and we feel truly welcome. It is a smaller church of about 100+ people (which started from 20, five years ago). The doctrine and preaching is sound, enthusiastic and convicting. The music is simple, joyful and the singing loud. There is a natural affection and genuine welcome despite us saying we were just visiting. People eagerly share how gracious the Lord is in normal conversation. In short – I feel I finally arrived home and found a church family. We have even been to people's homes for dinner (something that happened only once or twice in our current church).

But my quandary is this - everyone at this new church is local to that town - we are the only ones that don't live in that town. Moving to the other town is a hard no - due to DH's work. Our current church supports this church financially as it was our outreach into that town. If we were to change churches, it could put both pastors in a very awkward position. I know our current pastor would feel very hurt that we would be choosing to go to a church 15 minutes away rather than on our doorstep. Moreover, I don't want us to be disloyal and the type of people who get dissatisfied and church hop. I can't stand flighty people like that. If I go on feelings then it is a no brainer but isn't church supposed to be local to you? If I am not local, then somehow it doesn't seem biblical. I feel quite conflicted.

Your wisdom would be appreciated!

The only wisdom I can give you is to listen to God and be at peace about going where He guides you - a place where you have sound teaching, where you grow spiritually, and where you feel at home.

I travel past four or five churches to get to mine.
Everyone who comes travels up to four miles to get there.
For me it's about finding somewhere that feels like home.

Go where God leads you. I think the majority of the congregation at my church actually live in other parishes.

The only downside is that the congregation don't reflect the actual area the church is in. (Lots of doctors/teachers/retired doctors/retired teachers living in mortgage free large houses. Church is in an area of high poverty where many families are using food banks and benefit top ups)

Travel. Everyone Christian I know visited many churches before deciding which one to join.

You are not happy or fulfilled in your Christian community, so join one where you will be.

Research within the Catholic Church (my church) shows that belonging to your own parish church is very much on the wane, even in elderly generations but especially in the middle aged and young. Many people who are committed go to more than one church - maybe one on Sundays, a different one for Bible study in the week etc. But even those who only stick to one parish have a lot of flexibility around whether that's the closest parish to where they live. It's less mobile in more rural areas, for obvious reasons. Most Catholics have quite a strong identity as Catholics, so they'd be less likely than many others to attend a church of a different denomination. But no one would bat an eyelid at traveling past a few other Catholic churches to get to the one that's "yours".

So, with that in mind, maybe I don't understand the niceties of how your pastors would react and whether this would be more of a big deal for you. But I wouldn't hesitate to choose the church that makes you welcome and feeds you spiritually, so long as you can get to it. The only thing I would warn about is maybe not having as much of a church support network as you would with a local church - people to visit when you're ill or bereaved, for example. But it doesn't sound like your nearer church would give much of that anyway?

Go to the welcoming church, with the dinners at various homes. This is how it was in the time of the Apostles. Watch the Chosen??? :)

It sounds easy - try the new one! Locality doesn't matter.

We have a lot of old faithfuls at the one I am currently at, even when things perhaps should be done differently. I think if long term people move, it should (doesn't always, but should) task the left church to wonder if they can do anything differently, eg be more friendly, look after the members better.

I would say a 15 minute drive IS local but perhaps you mean within walking distance? But then my perspective is skewed because I drive 40 minutes to mine. That is actually too far but current circumstances don't allow for it to be any different. However most people I know would easily drive 10-15 mins to get to church.

I think your spiritual health is the most important thing and if the smaller church further away is meeting those needs, that could well be where your new spiritual home is.

(The only plus for going to your nearest one is that if you serve and/or if there's eg prayer meetings during the week, you can pop in easier to do so. But 15minute drive is not a bar to that)

If the new church was set up by the old one but is significantly smaller then can you frame it to your pastor as feeling that you can do most good by supporting the smaller church

In an ideal world, all churches would be like the one 15 mins drive from you and therefore you'd go to your local one, as there's much to be said for being able to walk to church and for your church to be a beacon to your own local community. But they aren't, so you need a church that feeds you spiritually, has a proper community and ideally where you can serve as well. To make you "feel better" about moving, can you offer to serve in some way at the new church? My church is 10 mins drive away; I used to live closer but when we were looking to move house, my criteria was 20 mins drive max as that was still local enough that it wouldn't stop me getting involved in anything. After all, most of us would drive 15 mins to shop or cinema etc without thinking.

My church is now partnering with a church 10 mins walk from me (and I do love being able to walk to church there), which had dwindled to a tiny congregation and is now growing, so I do attend there occasionally and have supported community events there. But I still serve and attend mainly at my original church, as the "new" one doesn't suit me as well in terms of service style, and to be honest I'm so ingrained in my current church, serving in several different ways, and having lots of friends there. I occasionally feel guilty that I've not switched over, but overall think I'm giving more by serving as I currently do, so if that's "feeding" me better as well then it's a win-win.

15 min drive is close by. Just go to that one. Would anyone really ask why you moved amd why is "we prefer it" not an adequate answer ? Don't keep talking to justify it. (Or say "no real reason"). Just move on.

I truly appreciate the responses. Maybe the decision is easier than I thought and I am overthinking it. DH does say my sense of loyalty is warped in this regard and that it is just my pride of what people will think of us. Perhaps he is right.

I will continue to pray about it with DH and seek the Lord's leading. I know that DH has been itching to explore other options, ever since our youngest went to university. I am the cautious one.

I think we will still have a 'crossover' period and talk openly to the pastor in the new church before we talk to anyone in our current church. We are not the type to just walk away without explanation. I do like the idea above about reframing it as wanting to assist the new church.

Thank you all once again.

As other posters have said, go to the church that feels right.

The church I attended feels like home; I am comfortable there, it's welcoming, full of warmth and kindness. I don't know if a congregation of 30 is small or large (CofE traditional parish church) but I (and many others) drive at least 6 miles to attend our wonderful church.

I also meant to say ...

I really think you should be honest with your current pastor, eg "we've really appreciated this church for all the kids work, which is why we've stayed here so long, and of course we love being at a local church, but we've realised that we've never felt particularly welcomed, and there's a surprising lack of community or support, for example, people seem uncomfortable if I mention something spiritual over coffee. Church X offers us all those things, and being smaller we'd really like to support them, so much as it's hard for us to move, we are planning to join that church full time."

Of course not all churches can meet the needs of all people, but a church that isn't welcoming and whose members don't want to discuss spiritual matters or share their inner lives isn't in my view a good church. It may be that it sees itself as a successful church as it's a large church with big kids programme, but the leadership may need to step back and take a look at whether it could do better in building community and offering support. (My church is a similar size, and it's not perfect, but it offers lots of opportunities for spiritual discussion, it's perfectly normal to discuss such things over coffee and is generally welcoming, though of course in a big church it can be possible to "get lost", so we encourage everyone to join a home group and to serve in some way, as that's always a great way to build friendships.)

@AliMonkey So well said! Thank you. I have a feeling I will be using some of those words verbatim!!