Sorry, I don’t suppose this is the place for a complicated family saga, so no worries if no one has the stamina for it. I am trying to be good and also to take responsibility for my own faults and bad behaviour.
Context: my mother is emotionally abusive to my father. My theory is that she is on the autism spectrum, and that her masking and extreme defensiveness, combined with her significant emotional difficulties born of great sadness and loss in childhood has resulted in a level of personality disorder and some narcissistic traits. She is capable of being kind, and often is, but it is often performative. She has a bit of a saviour complex. As she gets older she is increasingly aggressive and difficult, mostly angry and falls out with most people. She gaslights and bullies my dad.
My brother (DB1) 50yo was always a lovely laid back guy. He was also a big pot smoker in his youth. Apx 18 years ago he started to talk about conspiracy theories (chem trails, a few Jewish families ruling the world, he’s been boycotting Israeli products for years, literally any news event he will have an alternative take). I tend to avoid talking to him about politics, although in recent years we have had a few overlapping agreements (we both object to wokeness) but I have always had to cut off the conversations as he always veers in to conspiracy theory.
A few weeks ago he called me and for 20 minutes bullied and barracked me about my views on the Middle East situation. (He does not believe Israel has a right to exist, he believes “they” (!) exaggerated the Holocaust to use as leverage in negotiations to secure Israel. Lots more, but you get the picture.) I told him I did not want to talk about politics with him. When the conversation ended I messaged him to say I was saddened he had attacked me like this and reminded him of an event which was due to cause a lot of sadness to me and my family. He responded that he didn’t really know what I was talking about and he didn’t know why I was annoyed. IMO gaslighting me. I let it go and we had a couple of productive conversations wrt Christmas arrangements. We were hosting Christmas for 12-14 people at our home.
On Christmas Eve morning I was shopping and preparing for a gathering that evening. DB1 phoned me to check that I did not have a Star of David on top of my Christmas tree. For context, a few years ago I had a silly comedy political tree topper, but I have no idea why it suddenly occurred to him that I may have a Star of David tree topper; he said that he had been worried about it the previous night and this had kept him awake! My response was not what it should have been. I refused to tell him whether I did have a s.o.d. Tree topper, but told him that I certainly would not be speaking to him about politics over Christmas on the basis that I thought his politics were absolutely deranged; I never want to talk with him about politics again. His views are mad etc. I was furious and lost my temper. I probably said more. I don’t think I did, but I may have said he’s antisemitic.
He arrived with his family the following day. 25 minutes late for Christmas dinner (16:25, so not exactly early in the day). He hardly said a word to me for the two days he was here. His oldest (13yo) questioned dh and I separately about our tree topper; (a fairy which had fallen off in protest, as it happens). He and his family, whom I love, ate our food, slept in our beds, and afaik enjoyed our hospitality. He has not texted or written to thank me, he has not communicated at all despite my dc sending thank-you cards to them, plus his dd’s birthday present.
Mother arrived on Christmas Eve. She’s extremely difficult company, but we manage. Christmas Day evening she started telling (loudly in front of 4 or 5 grandchildren) DB2 that he was overweight. He must be drinking too much, eating too much, looks fat. I asked her to stop and it escalated; I told her that I was not prepared to allow her to be that rude in my house. (I was probably deflecting, and actually wanted to tell DB1 that if he was not prepared to accept whatever I put on my own Christmas tree, then he was not welcome in the house!). Mother stormed off to bed, then stormed back to physically front me, then stormed off again and went home (100miles away!) first thing the following morning. (DB2 is divorced and was driving back to collect his DDs, so she got a lift with him.)
When DB1 got up he said he was also leaving. I assume his DC persuaded him to stay, as they did stay another night, as originally planned.
The thing is, I’ve spent a good couple of weeks nursing my wounds and couldn’t really work out why DB1 was not speaking to me; assumed it was my political position on Middle East which bothered him, which it definitely does, but I’ve realised that he is doubtless also upset that I was so rude to him about his political views. I think I have reached a point where I could apologise for this, and this alone, by text, without needing him to understand my position or apologise himself. I think I just need to clear my conscience. The relationship is altered, maybe it’s destroyed, but at least if I apologise for what I did wrong then that feels like the right thing to do. What do you think?
Wrt my mother. The relationship has been pretty much dead for a long time; I don’t feel sadness or loss about it anymore; I’ve done a lot of work coming to terms with this. I feel sad for her that her life is such a wreck, but also I am much more relaxed and content without her in my life. She has a history of taking tiny apologies and accepting them as being an admission that she is right about everything. I’m not even sure what I should apologise for; maybe telling her that I wasn’t prepared to accept her calling db2 ‘fat’ in my house. I was being disingenuous; db2 is capable of fighting his own battles, and I could just have left it and walked away; it’s no skin off my nose really. I would just rather leave things with my mother and hope that when there is such a time that we need to communicate, she will do so sensibly. Would a Christian perspective support essentially cutting off from my mother?
I have learned that it is not sensible to host my entire family again, especially at Christmas. I find the total silence from DB1 very hard to deal with and I feel like I should try to extend an olive branch, but also accept that nothing might change. It just feels sad.
Thanks to anyone that actually read this. It’s been quite therapeutic writing it all down. Sorry it’s so long.