Struggling with transition from Christian to agnostic/atheist

[SuspiciousLampshade]

Hi, hoping others who have given up their Christian faith can give some advice as to how they did it and how to cope with the weird grief/guilt I have about it?

Basically have been following some kind of Christianity my whole life but became a “born again” Christian (do they still call it that?) 13 years ago. Married to a Christian DH, his family are all Christian while mine are not really that bothered. Over the past few years I’ve been struggling with different aspects of Christianity - mainly this idea that God is all-powerful and loving yet the world is basically going to pot. It makes me sick thinking about how I used to boast about always getting my prayers of parking spaces answered but people are still suffering and dying despite praying steadfastly…

Anyway I’ve quit my church, stopped praying/reading the Bible, and had some uncomfortable conversations with some Christian friends - though most of them don’t know because for some reason I feel guilty about “giving up”? I am also struggling with grieving my loss of community, changed relationship with Christian friends (about 90% of my friends) and of course the change it’s made on my family life, as DH is still very much a believer and though we fortunately agree DC should make their own minds up he still wants them to be brought up in the Christian faith. I’m not against that but obviously I’m not partaking in it which sometimes makes Sundays a little awkward.

I also have pangs of panic about “what if I am actually going to hell” and moments of deep sadness because of the comfort I found in believing. But I really do feel like that ship has sailed.

Sorry this is long - I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has experiences they’d like to share and if they also had these feelings. Do I just wait for them to pass? How do you re-establish a whole community in your mid 30s? Feeling a little lost. Thanks for reading if you made it to here x

It's the prosperity gospel and its logical flip side, based on the works part of the faith vs works conundrum.

Great post, @ZenNudist

Whoa Nelly!

I meant it's based on the faith part, not the works part.

I’m trying to gently feel my way into an understanding of the world or a way of being in the world in the absence of organised religion, which I now think is the root of all evil.

I’m trying not to think too much about it as that seems to be the problem- all religions start with the numinous experience, apply logic, create a few rules and just like that they’re burning people, blaming disability on past wrongs or self righteously planning their own gloating redemption.

But the numinous moments are real. And turning attention to the beauty of the world, the wonders of creation, doesn’t require religion. Reaching out to others with kindness and care doesn’t require religion.

I’m noticing a tendency in myself to fall back into small patterns of folk magic- brushing away bad luck, invoking the protection of beloved relatives who have died. I suppose I’m not really cut out to be an atheist. Maybe a bit of a witch at heart?

I’m still drawn to the stories of Jesus the man, and he seems like a very complex and compelling person compared to the religious version. Jesus of Nazareth seemed to get on with women in a very straightforward way; almost as if he recognised their personhood and wasn’t clouded by patriarchal nonsense. I cannot find a place for myself in any of his churches though.

So right now I seem to sit somewhere between heretic and witch in the taxonomy of religion. I doubt Jesus would have had a problem with that.

I have a theory that the human mind is built for religion and that we should be on our guard and choose our beliefs very carefully. Everyone believes something - and it’s shockingly easy for anything to become a religion.

Sorry - that’s quite a ramble! I’m not sure if it has any relevance to your experience.

OP - How are you getting on?

There's a podcast from Australia called 'I was a teenage fundamentalist' which explores the different journeys people have had when leaving Christianity and also points to some useful resources, especially for those who still have fears remaining and are still part of a Christian community. You're not alone.

I would really recommend Cafe Theology by Michael Lloyd on the problem of evil. Christians have been thinking and writing about this for thousands of years - but amazing how little of this seeps through to popular Christianity which as you say can be very simplistic https://www.amazon.co.uk/Café-Theology-Michael-Lloyd/dp/1905887906

I did kind of disappear didn’t I - I kept meaning to update but then I always feel I need to respond to everyone as I really appreciate the time people put into replies! And of course with working and kids and life there’s never time to sit down and write a proper response.

This thread has been really comforting to read. I’m still feeling like I’m living two lives in reality at the moment. I was with DH’s family at the weekend and we were talking about all the difficult things going on in the world at the moment and then they were all agreeing that “it’s so good to know there’s life beyond death and everything will be renewed” etc - and of course I haven’t said anything about my loss of faith so I felt I just had to sit there and make noncommittal “mmm” sounds.

I have periods where I really wish I could go back to the time when I fervently believed because it is comforting to pray and think a higher being is listening and caring about us. But I seem to have gone past a barrier and now it just seems stupid whenever I try. Every now and then my DS will choose the kids Bible we have for his bedtime story and we read a chapter from it, and it baffles me that I used to base my entire life on it (of course it is a kids Bible though so very simplified).

I can’t bring myself to go to church as I feel like a total liar facing those lovely individuals who still think I feel the same way and believe the same things. So although I think it’d be lovely to just go for the community and pretend, I think we’d have to switch churches for that. Perhaps I’ll go to a less charismatic one, like your traditional CofE, and enjoy the hymns like I used to before “properly” becoming a Christian.

I particularly resonated with your post @Nonplusultra - I think the whole organised religion bit and insistence that they are right and everyone else is wrong really makes me feel sick. Especially when we see the consequences play out on the world stage with so many innocents hurt and killed because of it. Funnily enough I have been appreciating the small beauties in the world way more since giving up Christianity. I also think Jesus is fascinating; and probably a lot less likeable and “cuddly” than modern Christianity paints him to be. That’s the one thing I don’t doubt - I think it’s pretty well established that he was a real human being. Whether he was actually the Son of God though - still lots of debate there. My brain still says panicking “we can’t doubt that or we are off to hell”…lots of reframing things mentally still to do, I see.

Hi OP,

Just wanted to recommend a book that helped me think about all this: Brian McLaren "Do I Stay Christian?" - not just written for people who are Christian though. The subtitle is "A guide for the doubters, the disappointed and the disillusioned".

He goes through all the major issues with Christianity - anti-semitism, violence, colonialism, patriarchy etc. etc.

Then he looks at the positives.

He doesn't try to make you choose either side but just tries to lay out the arguments and the feelings behind them. Then he looks at how to stay human - rewilding, finding your flow etc.

He grew up with a black-and-white evangelical faith and is good at challenging where it didn't make sense or was unfeeling/dishonest/dangerous.