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Original poster

christening nightmare!!!!!

13 replies

tss · 26/02/2008 15:14

I had my now 3 year old son christened which turned into a massive family gathering, i say family gathering but it was my mum and all my husbands family which is hugh! all his close family friends and i just felt that i was there as a guest not at my sons christening! Now i have 18 month old twins and they are getting christened in May. at first my husband said we could just have god parents and a meal after i was over the moon but now the list has started on who is invited and once again its only my mum and all his family and close friends! i know its not his fault i dont have any family but they are my children and i dont want to look back at the day feeling unhappy like i was at my sons! ive tried to say to him about it without causing an argument but he just replies they would be upset if not invited! what about the mother to his children? any advice on getting round this would be great?

OP posts:

nametaken · 26/02/2008 19:06

if your dh is insisting on a huge family gathering then its only fair for you to use caterers IMO.

I don't understand what you mean when you say you felt like a guest at your own childs christening - I'm puzzled. If you had said you felt like a waitress/cook then I would have understood. Can you tell us more?

Original poster

tss · 26/02/2008 20:25

At my son's christening we had a BBQ and my husbands friend cooked so i only had to do shopping for food which was great, but it still felt like i was a guest. my husbands family are very close to each other and family friends are also close i try very hard to interact with his family but im never going to be part of them! I have got use to this now and it doesnt upset me as much as it use too. My husband is an identical twin and so are his sisters, so when i then had identical twins the whole family were over the moon but they just make me feel as if i carried the babies for them. I dont go for family meals etc cos im at home with the children, im not complaining about it but i just want to feel part of it on my girls special day it was taken away from me with my son and i dont want to look back and have sad memories like i did with his day?
hope it all makes sence and i didnt waffle to much!!!

OP posts:

Kindersurpise · 26/02/2008 20:29

Is there any reason why you don't feel close to his family? Are they friendly towards you?

It sounds sad that you feel so left out.

dizzydixies · 26/02/2008 20:32

we took ours to a local hotel after the church and pil paid for the buffet - saved me having to clean house and cater - give him some quotes and if there are that many people maybe the price will put him off

you have enough to deal with coping with yous ds and the twins

Original poster

tss · 27/02/2008 11:53

I dont feel very close to his family i think its because my husband has been married before and has 2 children from his 1st marriage the oldest who is 20 hates me and has caused alot of problems leaving me as the wicked step mother! and the youngest is 17 and fine with me, but due to all the problem the eldest has caused ive been pushed to one side over the years and im not even allowed to go for family meals if she is there as it upsets her, so me and my children miss out but she has to come to the christening so she doesnt get upset! its a long story but im in a no win situation with her and have just got use to it now, she ruined my wedding and my sons 1st birthday and the birth of my twins so i really dont want her to ruin the christening!

OP posts:

girlfrommars · 27/02/2008 12:25

I think it's time to deal with the family thing.

Your DCs are young. There are years of family gatherings to get through and they shouldn't grow up feeling their Mum isn't welcome.

Your SD is 20. She is an adult.

Ask your DH/ILs what they'd like you to tell your DCs when they start asking why Mummy can't come too. Because they WILL.

You're married and have 3 children. Your DH needs to stand up for you and make it clear that if this continues, none of you will be attending family functions.

Your upset over the Christening sounds like it's just a symptom of the greater problem.

Original poster

tss · 27/02/2008 19:13

your totally right about the christening being a small part of a major problem. but this has been going on for nearly 4 years now and my hubby wont stick up for me he just tell his family i couldn't get a baby sitter! ive got over the heartache that i use to go through and my 3 year old son doesn't even ask why we arent going he just says its cos SD is horriable to you? so its effecting him already but that doesn't solve my christening dilema? how do i get round this or is there another way i can word things to my husband to make he understand how im feeling?

OP posts:

girlfrommars · 27/02/2008 20:23

I honestly can't think of a way to get round it. If your DH hasn't listened to you so far, I can't imagine that he'll change his mind. I thoght that the 'not .. allowed to go to family meals' came from your DH's extended family. I didn't realise that it came from him.

Kindersurpise · 28/02/2008 12:34

Your DH is behaving badly, he needs to stand up to his DD and tell her that she has to respect his wife. If he wont do this then I suspect you are always going to be on the outside looking in. It is terrible that he treats his second family as a second class family.

Very sad for you and your DCs.

Original poster

tss · 28/02/2008 13:43

I hate to say it but we are his second family and always will be although ive just learnt not to be hurt by it all as i spent alot of time an emotional reck over it and life goes on and i wont let anyone make my children uphappy so grin and bear it!!

OP posts:

newgirl · 28/02/2008 14:01

if it were me i would probably have a huge row about it and cancel unless he sees it from your point of view

but, if this isn't your approach to your marriage, perhaps just go along with the flow and think of it as a one-off - you can have countless lovely birthday parties for your children and not invite the family - it can be just you and your friends - bear that in mind and just grin and bear the christening for now

madamez · 02/03/2008 20:37

If you can put up with the fact that he treats you like a slightly embarrasing breeding machine all the time, I fail to see why you're bothered about a christening. I think you need to work on building up a support network of good friends for yourself, spend time with people who boost your self esteem and then you'll either be able to rise above your DH's unkind treatment of you, or find the resources to take the DC and leave the miserable twat.

deckchair · 04/03/2008 13:33

Tss, please set some ground rules on the christening. can u tell your dh that you felt pushed out when it was yr ds' christening and this time you want to feel more involved and not like a guest. it is a special day and you need to make sure you are happy. The girls need their mum to be strong!
with regard to the buffet, ask your dh to get his large family involved as there is so many of them and therefore one person (ie you) wont be left to do everything.

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