Feel like my church is no longer right

[Vickyee]

hi everyone,

my story is a bit of a long one but here goes. I'm catholic and grew up in a catholic background but i chose as an adult to have my confirmation done. I didnt attend church but had my beliefs and believed in the church. I lost my daughter and had an emergency baptism before she died and had my parish priest carry out her funeral. After that i lost my son who was stillborn and my son was being buried a distance from my parish church so requested again for a priest to perform his service but without even asking for the date my parish priest declined. I was unable to get a catholic priest to perform his service and had a minister do the service. This broke my heart as i felt abandoned by my church and the minister made mistakes during his service that i felt wouldnt have been made if it was our parish priest. As i moved area i spoke to a different priest and was told that no catholic priest would have agreed to do my sons funeral as he never existed and didnt have a soul for them to do the service for. This upset me so much that i didnt seek the church for many years.

When my kids were due to start school me and my partner always agreed we would raise them catholic as he is an atheist and our children are all in attendance and enjoy learning about the faith. Me and my partner agreed to also sort getting married after having a few bumps where we had to cancel a wedding and covid. So we decided to elope due to family issues and keep cost down as it was what we wanted but on the agreement we would have a blessing.

I have started to enquire with my kids schools parish priest about having a convalidation. But the priest does not seem happy that a catholic is marrying an atheist and that my partner wont convert. My parish priest is not english so unsure if a cultural difference is why he is struggling with us living together and not being married more than when other priests have discussed it with us and keeps pushing the issue my partner does not believe and has never been baptised. The church is also not happy that we have not gone to them first for getting married and eloping to gretna. They have enquired about us cancelling our wedding that is all paid for and just going ahead with the catholic wedding. Which i have declined.There are certain elements of my home life i find painful and dont want to discuss that the church wants to know to do with our decision to elope and i can not see what the problem is that i have married out of the church and choosing to have it seen as legitimate in their eyes. I have been quite upset to the point with everything else that has gone on that i feel like saying to the church that i will just stick to my legal wedding and withdraw myself and the kids from being involved with the church. I feel that the church has lost sight of trying to welcome people and keep people in the church by putting obstructions in the way. I feel like just maintaining my own beliefs and live my life as a good christian without an involvement with the church. My partner doesnt want me to do anything drastic as he knows my religion is important to me but will support me on any decision.

I just feel so lost and hurt and keep crying because of how i feel about it all. My mum who is catholic and also married an atheist can not understand why the church is being difficult and never had any issues when she married my father and is also in agreement that i should walk away from the church.

If you have got that far thanks for reading i just feel i need to get it off my chest to someone who gets it

Hi OP - I'm sorry you've been experiencing this. I can't imagine how painful it must have been for your local priest to refuse to do the funeral service for your son.

From everything you've written, it does sound like maybe you've reached an end point with your church - you certainly haven't experienced the compassion or loving-kindness that you should receive from your church.

Are there other non-Catholic churches near to you that you could visit? Or perhaps having a break from church for a bit would help? Maybe focusing on your personal faith and relationship with God for a little while might help you heal from the bad experiences you've had?

Lots of love to you 💐

The Church asks all sorts of questions before convalidation, as it does before a church marriage. It wants to know why you went down the route of a civil ceremony and may well refuse if you are unwilling to answer.

I have just started attending Mass (on one weekday evening) after a long break because of a wounding experience. The break was very healing but I am only dipping my toe in at the moment.

Very sorry you have experienced this!

Are there any other parishes nearby that you could attend, or talk to another priest?

Maybe you could deepen your relationship with God in other ways for now... Fr. Mike Schmitz does mass online, posts very informative topics, has done Bible in a year, and is currently doing the Catecism in a year.
There are also Catholic Bible studies and many Catholic channels on YouTube... you may be able to find something that resonates with you in terms of Bible study or prayer.
The important thing is to understand God wants a relationship with you ... like everyone else. In the Bible God has shown that he will forgive us over and over again, no matter how often we sin against Him. His grear request is that we love Him and our meighbour... the ultimate love for us is to pass on God's love and Grace to us to others... through us.
God Bless and be easy on yourself, as you have been through a lot!

I'm sorry you are hurting but the things you describe are outside the teaching of the church. You can't get married in a church if you aren't baptised. You can't baptise the dead. Awful thing to happen to you I'm sorry.

I think trying to force things like the baptism of a still birth and marriage to non-baptised person is going to put you in conflict with the church and stems from you being not taught about the church "rules". It's complicated so don't feel I am criticising.

Are you happy going to church? Do you find comfort in mass? Would you and your dc benefit from having faith in the future in hard times?. Chopping and changing isnt good for them. It undermines their developing faith at a crucial time. I think this is what you need to think about. Not that you can't do what you want within Catholic framework.

Breaking with your church in temper doesn't hurt the church as much as it hurts you and your dc.

Im not married in a church because DH is baptised but atheist. It's just how it is.

It sounds like you have a lovely wedding lined up that you BOTH want and it will be a good start to your married life. Enjoy it and rise above falling out with your church.

That is very odd behaviour from the priest.