I don't know what I believe anymore. Help!

[abstractplantpot]

I'm pushing 50. I was brought up in a mixed marriage but with a "strict" Irish
catholic mother. I went to catholic grammar. Did all my sacraments and have a healthy dose of catholic guilt to carry around.

I feel like I was brainwashed as a child. I was told what i should believe without any justification or explanation. My mother made life choices for us which I feel adversely affected our lives. My father believed this was all character building. My sister is a complete non believer now and will not even discuss religion or philosophy

I tried so hard as an adult to reconcile myself to religion but i am so cynical given all the scandals in the catholic church now. I recently lost my father and I did a lot of soul searching. I don't think I believe in heaven. I think everything just stops. (even writing that i feel like i'm about to be struck down.....does that mean i do believe?) Are there any texts I could read or resources to help me get my head straight?

Does anyone else feel like this or have advice please.

Thanks xx

Hi Op - I recognise how you're feeling. I too had a Catholic upbringing and education, but turned away a lot earlier than you did.
It is brainwashing, to expect people to follow a strict set of beliefs and rules by which they have to live their whole lives, without allowing any questions, debate, or nuance. It's very powerful when you experience it as a child, for obvious reasons, and difficult to extricate from your mind.
I don't think it does mean you still believe because you have remnants of the ideology stuck fast in your thinking. It's just the residue of a very deeply ingrained set of beliefs and behaviours.
I don't believe in religions or afterlife, but I still find some peace in churches and hymns for example. I don't believe the doctrine, but I find the familiarity and group singing comforting. I don't have any books or official advice to offer you, but I can say that with time I think you will allow yourself to leave the dogma behind, and perhaps find peace in this next phase of your life without it all.

Why do you have to belive in anything?

I don't know. I suppose i'm still getting over all the stuff i thought i believed in when i was younger.

i think i miss parts of it but i feel very confused about it all.

For me, religion came from the outside - so my upbringing, church, school etc.
then I lost all that and didn’t believe in anything.
then I found spirituality and that came from inside me to outside if that makes sense? I saw, still see, feel and know and hear things inside me that is then affirmed in the ‘real’ world and that’s what’s given my connect.

I had a staunch Presbyterian upbringing. Uncle & cousin are ministers, one of my brothers a preacher & the other 2 are fully paid up Presbyterians. I have been institutionalised somewhat & am not sure what's nature or nurture. I do have a faith but my beliefs are too liberal for me to feel comfortable in any local churches, (I live in Bible Belt territory in NI).

My father died last month & at the funeral the minister was using his death to drum up business in the standard 'ye must be born again' type sermon. Then I had an aggressively evangelical letter just addressed to me & my family, (not my Godly brothers), as soon as we arrived home from the funeral to my dad's telling the story of the dying man & his 4 children. He said:
A, goodnight, I'll see you in the morning
B, goodnight, I'll see you in the morning
C, goodnight, I'll see you in the morning
D, goodnight.

D says 'why did you say see you in the morning to the others'

The man said 'you're not saved & wont be in heaven so I won't see you in the morning.

I was seriously pissed off to get this from people I couldn't pick out from a line up & it made me quite angry how entitled some religious people are.

Basically I love the community of a church & love the singing but can't abide the preaching & don't feel welcome when I don't fully subscribe to the prescribed beliefs.

I think questioning our faith isn't a bad thing, and sometimes its necessary. There comes a time when (if we've been brought up in a religious household) where we have to separate the faith of our parents / family - the 'what we were taught' - from our own faith. We have to ask 'what do I believe - DO I believe?'... and if so, which bits? All of it? None of it?
We might end up walking away from faith, or deciding that we're not as traditional / evangelical / charismatic / liberal etc as our parents, or that we believe the 'main message' - the John 3:16, if you like - but not the 'detail' of women keeping quiet in church and so on.

What I was brought up with and what I believe now are pretty different, I think, and I'm still untangling a lot of it. Other people often help with that, as does going to a different type of church and hearing different viewpoints. I had to walk away from it all for several years though, before I felt able to come back and start looking at it differently. It's a process, and it takes time, unfortunately!

I was brought up with no religion and at times
i wish I did have a religion. I like the idea of having a group with the same beliefs, meeting weekly, a support network.

I don’t think there is such a thing as heaven or hell, but I want to believe in it. I also think it just ends and that’s it but it’s nice to think you will see love ones again. I had to not progress a pregnancy due to medical reasons and I cry sometimes thinking that baby must hate me…even though im not sure i believe in it. I like the idea of seeing them again and them forgiving me.

After a very religious childhood I've decided that I have to not think about religion really as it doesn't make me happy. I have alot of resentment about the impact and guilt about not following how I was raised and so just avoid thinking about it as much as possible.

Hi Op. I'd really recommend a book called "Out of Sorts" by Sarah Bessey.
She talks about working through what we do and don't believe like clearing out a cupboard and deciding what is valuable to us and that we want to keep and what isn't. I have found it hugely helpful in encouraging me on my own journey of working out what I do and don't believe and how I relate to God ( still on the middle of working a lot out but yes, I still believe in him!)

Religion and the church are very flawed- they are human constructs, so it's inevitable.
The faith and spirituality at the heart of it is not. When you realise you can separate them out, it gets a lot easier.

I don’t believe in god. Or fate. Or any kind of controlling force, or afterlife, or anything like that. In fact, I find the thought that other people do is quite ridiculous.

But I do always say ‘Good morning Mr. Magpie’ and give a little salute when I see one. My point being, we are often complex, inconsistent and often contradictory. So don’t worry if your position or beliefs don’t always ‘make sense’, because they don’t actually have to for you to be a reasonable, sensible, normal human being.

Practicing religion (man-made, dogmatic stuff) and having faith are two different things.
Don’t let the former poison/kill the latter.

You were brainwashed. So was I. It’s awful. Took me a long time to unpick most of if the more obvious damage…. good for you for seeing and questioning.

Similar upbringing to yourself, my mother was ver religious and would tell me my soul would go to hell when I missed mass. I stopped going after she passed away but I have recently returned, don't know if it's out of guilt but I actually enjoy it again, I feel close to her when I go. I understand people's reasons for turning away from it but for me I feel more at peace, you do what is right for you.

@picklemewalnuts Perfectly put.

Lots of people carry unhelpful religious baggage from childhood. For Catholics who experienced finger-wagging judgementalism, that goes particularly deep.

It's important to realise questioning as an adult isn't a bad thing, or the enemy of faith; it's a healthy part of being human, and something valuable if faith is to be real.

So absolutely – take time to rethink things, sift what was good from what was toxic. Take a break from it all. There could be a range of positive outcomes:

• Rediscover a healthier form of Catholicism, without the legalism you experienced in childhood.
• Rediscover faith in a different setting (eg local C of E church), maybe in a more informal style. A church that is happy with honest questions is vital.
• Decide church is not for you.

If I were you, I'd start to be proactive: visit other churches, chat to friends about what they believe, think what you want at this stage of your life.

You're right to reject grim, legalistic faith. The creative challenge now is thinking what a life-enhancing faith or post-faith might look like for you.

It sounds like you are trying to discern if there is a God and if so do you believe in that God. As others have said, faith and religion are very different. We can believe in God but have difficulty around the man made interpretations and teachings of the various religions.

I'm also a cradle Catholic (Irish), but have always questioned and never really came across the "just believe" responses that so many others have. Because of answers throughout the years, reading further and now much more information available on the Internet, my faith is much stronger.

My faith is a very different expression of faith than my parents... but it is a faith in God first and foremost. I would see how some Catholic practices in Ireland would confused people about the faith (superglued Child of Prague statues left in under a bush (if you know, you know 😉)). I totally understand how the wrongs of the Catholic Church hurt so many people - often the most vulnerable in society. I can see why people would question "faith" because of how they were/are treated by other "Christians" of all denominations in Ireland.

But, for some reason, you are still questioning if there is a God. There is some openness in you to God, so there may be a God shaped hole in your being.. that may help.you throught the mourning of your father and help you with your life.

I have listed a couple of YouTube videos which may help on does God exist from a Catholic perspective - they may or may not help.

(replace "DOT" with ".")
Fr. Casey
youtuDOTbe/T95ehAuV5wg
Fr. Mike Schmitz
youtuDOTbe/4j-P5E9kZkI
Bishop Barron
youtuDOTbe/qP2rLgrBtTI
Matt Fradd - Pascal's wager
youtuDOTbe/nslXRgLrMTk

I want to say a huge thank you to each and everyone of you for taking the time to reply and try to help me make sense
of this middle in my head.

I take great comfort in knowing some of you have had a similar upbringing and have same questions.

I was stunned to feel a little relief to hear some of you speak of how you still have a faith.

I think i'm going to watch the links and have a look at the books you recommend. I'm going to do some research and see can I find a more liberal catholic church in around Belfast to see if that might answe some of my questions.

Thank you all so much xxx

Just want to add I grew up in liberal Judaism but reading the Old Testament & it's punishing god made me an atheist at 9.
But I am pretty spiritual so I searched through the years, practiced Buddhism and wicca. I found my spiritual home in polytheistic paganism.
It's been wonderful, so nourishing. So OP and others don't let bad childhood religion blight your spirituality. Go out there and experience other paths:) it's a meadow with plenty of beautiful flowers.

I had been having doubts for a while and read Dawkins’ The God Delusion and it solidified the doubts. It might help you clarify your thoughts and feelings. It did for me.

I personally believe church can break or nourish your growth in God.
Google church hurt and you'll see your not alone, here is the good news, your can either believe what your told by men or you can take your self to the source. I also think your at the right place to question your believe infact Jesus himself said "test every spirit" he also adds that many will perform miracles, heal the sick in his name but he has doesn't know them and also beware of wolves in church.
Don't give up, take the bible and read it for yourself. If you have any questions ask God not man and in time he will reveal himself to you.

OP, there is an entire universe of other belief systems, out side and beyond of Christianity that are so worth exploring, perhaps? From Buddhism, Daoism, to Pagen religions, Confucianism to Humanism - the alternatives are endless!! Why confine your self to a very rigid Abrahamic faith system? Knowledge is power and when you start questioning, what you were always told to never question - because you were brain washed to believe that what you are told is the “truth”, mostly by men may I add, your entire perception of what is faith and spirituality changes. There is an infinite universe of alternatives to Catholicism, to Christianity, that could be positively life changing for you - and where there is zero guilt involved and where you don’t have have to be subservient to, and fearful of, an invisible god. Good luck on your journey.

I read your post in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep and I really felt for you @abstractplantpot

My son and I are 'new Catholics' living in North West England; we have been going to RCIA classes for the past year and we will both be received into the church in a couple of weeks (my son baptised too). I read your post and wished you were able to speak to our parish priest; he has been so welcoming to us and prompted us to ask as many questions as we wanted. I would like to think the Catholic church has changed; he in fact told my son he should never stop asking questions and he was always there to talk to him about his thoughts. After reading what happened to you, I would like to think there has been some progress and even modernisation of the Catholic faith in the UK.

I thought of you at our Easter service this morning and hope you are able to find a priest in your local area who you would be able to talk through your experiences and thoughts. I wanted to send you a note to say I sincerely hope you are able to find a way forward in the Catholic church. It has been a complete blessing to me and my family and hope that it can be for you too.

Wishing you a blessed and wonderful Easter

I also wanted to share this book I saw recently and want to read at some point.

The Best Catholics in the World

It's about the troubling relationship between Ireland and the church so may be of interest to you.