Finding informal/all age CofE worship hard to connect with

[Olinguita]

Wondering if anyone else has experienced the same or if I'm just a massive fun sponge....
I attend a middle-of-the-road Anglican church that has a very casual/informal approach to Sunday worship - think lots of silly skits, audience participation, regular all-age services. I totally understand that it's great for families (I have a toddler myself) but sometimes I come out of church service feeling like I've been to a baby sensory class or game show. I miss a sense of reverence and mystery and don't really feel like I've had an encounter with God. I feel like a really horrible person even thinking this as the church congregation are genuinely good, Christian people and our vicar works very, very hard.
. A low point was a Christmas day service in which the vicar did a quiz for the kids called "Who wants to be Christiannaire? " (As in who wants to be a millionaire). She called the kids up to the front of the church and asked them questions like "who was the mother of God - was it a) Pam b) Karen c) Mary?" ( kids ranging from 4 to about 10). Admittedly it's not this bad every week but I often find the tone of services patronising and excessively dumbed-down, and it's something I've seen elsewhere in the CofE when visiting other churches that are low-church or middle-of-the-road.
I know churches have to work hard to appeal to families and to keep kids engaged, and can imagine it's a very tough gig for vicars these days, especially building up congregations again post-covid. But I just find it all really hard to connect with this style of worship on a spiritual level.
I'm genuinely curious to know what other people feel about this (especially those who also have small children)!

Don't have kids, but we have a monthly all age service, and I tend to go to the early communion that week.
It's the same really - it tries to be all age but (I don't think) hits any age... the kids are never particularly engaged, the adults probably put up with it as its 'for the kids'...and it doesn't really work.
The vicar's aware the service format needs work, so I think things might change in the future, but we'll see.

Agree that I would find this patronising and more than a little irritating. Have you checked out neighbouring parishes?

Couldn't agree more. Thankfully our church is high and liberal, except for the monthly family communion that I tend to skip.

@Catinabeanbag @GrumpyPanda @SauvignonGrower thanks for the replies! I'm interested to hear it's not just me.
I think part of the problem is I'm high church/catholic-leaning in my DNA (educated at a Catholic school, brought up super-high Anglican, enthusiastic altar girl, you get the picture!) I really like the parish I'm at in a lot of ways and got married there. But I'm getting to a stage in life where I really want to double down and commit to a church and contribute to community life there BUT I'm really struggling with the worship format and what I perceive as a lack of seriousness. I know no church is perfect but I'm wondering if this might be something I shouldn't compromise on?
@Catinabeanbag I don't blame you for skipping the all age service. I really couldn't stand them pre-kids. I was childless-not-by-choice before having my son in my late 30s and those services really grated during those years when I wanted to be a parent but couldn't be. I kept my feelings to myself as I didn't want it to look like sour grapes. But now I'm a mum I still have strong feelings on the topic!!!

I think there are two separate issues: what engages you, and what engages your toddler (now and as they grow).

It sounds as if your church is trying hard to connect with younger children, which is good. Most churches have no children at all in them, because they never communicate in a way kids can relate to. If you want your child to continue in the faith, and have any kind of Christian peer group in future, that's far more likely in the sort of church you are in.

But it's fine to admit the style of toddler services doesn't feed you personally: it's not really meant to.

Is there a quieter service in the same church you could go to, in addition to the services aimed at young families? If not, maybe you could go to one at another local church or cathedral?

must churches I know who have this type of service have an alternative more traditional one too so there is a choice. It is not for everybody and I agree they can seem just like entertainment sometimes.

The (very) high Anglican Church near me that I sometimes attend (still trying to find my place!) has very formal services. Yet actually seems, imho, to be better at enhancing the children than many of the informal settings like you suggest. Maybe not toddlers, but the school age children aren’t just tolerated, or entertained but are fully part of the worship. Either in the choir, servers or other roles. The children seem to really value this and respect their roles.

I think what I’m trying to say is that going down the slightly cringe-able, attempted trendy vicar route isn’t the only way to engage young people

I think children can also engage with traditional, formal services. We are Catholic and have always gone to a sung Mass with no family friendly elements at all. My children are ok with it and can go to youth oriented services as they get older if they want (but mostly don’t because they also find them a bit cringe). I think you need to make sure your own soul is fed OP.

I go to two hour, mainly standing Christian Orthodox services and the children manage fine. They even look happy. They have a small play area at the back and just potter around that area. Children shouldn't be entertained constantly, there's nothing wrong about bringing them up to participate in proper services.

I’m the opposite to you OP. Having grown up not going to church but becoming a Christian in my 30s I prefer the informal family services.
I found the formal churches intimidating when I was working out which church to join. The informal family services at our modern church have kept us going every week for the last 15 years as a family.
Now my children are tweens and teens we still mainly do the family services but I occasionally go, on my own, to a more adult evening service. It’s still very informal but I do like the more adult topics it covers in the talks.
I recently went to a rural and very traditional service and found it tedious and boring. More about the ritual than worship and the words were all thee, thy and thou! I felt like I had gone back in time to when people went to church out of duty rather than choice. The male vicar was wearing the black dress thing which looks weird and intimidating to me in this day and age and everyone stood up as he paraded down the aisle which I also thought was weird.

Are all the services at this church all-age? We go to a church which is fairly informal, but only the monthly all-age service is like this. Even then, the all-age service has time for more serious parts. It sounds a bit like your church is running a Sunday School but with the adults sitting there too.

We changed from attending our Trendy Anglican services to United Reformed Church. Very similar belief but no robes and decorations plain but not stark.
VERY learned ministers and preachers. The minister did not think they had to do everything themselves.

Kids went out of service to a room for their activity and came back for last hymn and blessing.
Great

Sounds awful. I'd try somewhere else but then I am very traditional and would happily attend a church where it is all in Latin!

I can't stand services like this. We go to a fairly Anglo-Catholic C of E church which has a lovely feeling of reverence and awe in services, as well as being friendly and welcoming. It's an inclusive church so nobody minds that there are children being noisy, or that the autistic lad might do something loud and unexpected.

There are plenty of children there who take part in the service as they get older so they don't necessarily need the informal style to be child-friendly. Mine loves going and has never had to take part in something like the quiz you describe! She has done loads of fun activities though.

Also, what's the preaching like? It's really good at the one we go to - partly because we're in a city and in inter-regnum so a variety of visiting clergy including three bishops and an archbishop in the last six months!

I've been to a lot of churches as I've relocated for work so often. I quickly realised the informal style didn't work for me, especially before having children. I like a nice meaty sermon which treats the congregation like you have brains! My current church manages this really well.

Worth doing some church shopping? I went through a dark patch when I just got went to church out of habit and changing churches made such a difference.

I really dislike informal all age services, in particular a praise band and modern hymns. I find them quite navel gazing. If I had my way it would be BCP all the way!

I also don’t think that high/more formal churches are necessarily exclusionary for children. I love the language, the formality, the reverence and the ritual. You’re not alone!

That sounds a bit cringeworthy! We’ve just got back from the catholic Christmas Eve service we go to - the child / family friendly one is just shorter, has more Christmas carols and is tolerant of small children causing chaos being noisy. It’s still the proper service though.

Oh, can we swap, I grew up with this worship and love these services! We've just stopped going to our local church with twin preschoolers, there's just nothing for them, even in so called family services - thee/thine language, no hymns from after the Victorian era, no attempt at all to engage the children during sermon or prayers. Any suggestion along the lines of "maybe one of the four hymns could be twentieth century/child friendly?" Was met with a look like you were a heretic! Ironically there's been much handwringing about how this church can't attract young people.

We now do a mix of either my husband or I will attend a different church alone while the other takes care of the kids, or we go to a third church which is more accessible

Isn't this part of the beauty of the Christian Church - that there are so many different styles of worship, you can find one that you are comfortable with (if compromising for your dc) or really enjoy, or connect with (if you are looking for yourself ? If you are lucky of course, you will find one that does both.

Obviously easier in a City, than if you are somewhere very remote, but there are dozens upon dozens of different services that I could attend within a couple of miles of where I live. Spend time going to different Churches until you find 'your place'.

I think St. Augustine was wary of church music for fear that it would present too much of an opportunity for the faithful to enjoy themselves, thus distracting them from their sinful condition and the need to submit humbly to the spiritual power of the Mass.

When I get aggravated by the Sunday school vibes from the Anglican guitars and PowerPoint sermons, I yearn for solemnity and incense and chanting monks.

And then I think: I am aesthetically repulsed by All Age Worship. I am not enjoying this at all. I shrink from the aesthetic experience, therefore I am fulfilling the Augustinian ideal of unmitigated awareness of why I am in Church.

On a serious note, I do wonder if my discomfiture with modern styles of worship amounts to intellectual snobbery, and somehow by reducing us all to the intellectual level of Children, the church is doubling down on the repudiation of the tree of knowledge.

But then I also know that as a child, I found what must have been an innocent thrill in the magic of dramatically lit rituals, whether carried out in a circus ring, or in transubstantiation on the altar.

So perhaps to be like a child, to quell intellectual ambition, we need a dose of awe, of magic?

I suppose that's what certain souls seek, but I recognise that there seems to be a Christianity for every personality. Not everyone is haunted.

DH feels like you do OP. There are some traditional churches that are liturgical and try to include children. This may be as part of the procession (eg holding candles, incense) or to have an area the kids can go to (while still in the service) - with books, objects related to church/service - toy sheep, puzzles of biblical scenes. DH feels that if the kids go out of the service, they won’t be used to what it is like and won’t get the reflection/reverence. I’m more chilled - I think sometimes kids do engage more in some simple songs (especially if they are pre-reading). But these could be done/taught another time or you could alternate services.

you could also make a church bag for your kid. In ours we have a couple of books, toy sheep, wooden egg cup - like a chalice -and wooden bread, so kid has a way of ‘connecting’ with the communion part of the service, magnetic fishing rods with fish, most recently a sheep puzzle.

We are going back to church after a while of online services - and I can see I will spend most of my time chasing after my v active pandemic-born toddler though.

In nearly all Churches I have attended, the children start the hour in the service, with their families, and then they go out to their own groups after 15 - 20 mins.

Some then have an 'all age worship' every few weeks, but - and this is only my opinion - they never really work for anyone. It is difficult to hit the right balance for a whole hour. Whereas most people seem to enjoy the children's address at the beginning of a service followed by a service written for adults, and for the children to do things aimed at them for the majority of the time.

I would absolutely hate that. My parents village has a new church plant. That looks like a play scheme, rather than church. Activities, Lego, crafting. All very well. But they can't do the weddings, funerals etc and the other hard bits.

I was Middle of the road c of e and then went v high church then swam the Tiber. I find anything other than proper liturgy really off putting.

These replies are fascinating. Thank you for all the interesting comments, everyone. It is quite comforting to know that there are others who feel the same as me, and interesting to get some insights into the experiences of those who connect with and enjoy more informal worship.
As @UsingChangeofName says, the beauty of Christianity is the diversity of different worship styles and approaches.
I do agree with a lot of posters up thread who have said that there can be a place for children to engage with and participate in more formal styles of worship, whether that is as altar servers, singing in a choir or even just playing in the designated kids' corner at the back of church.
When I was a kid and teen I was an altar girl in the Anglo catholic church my parents used to go to and I really enjoyed it, and took a huge amount of pride in my role, especially at Christmas and during Holy Week. I believe that kids can feel part of church without church always coming down to their level. However I know that not everyone feels this way and that things like being an altar server, doing readings or singing in a junior choir are not going to be right for all kids, who might find these roles boring or oppressive. Different strokes for different folks I guess