to feel stuck in a dead end

[mistymoo555]

I don't know exactly where to place this, here felt appropriate but maybe wrong. For years I had so much hope for the future, always felt so so positive about what lay ahead of me to then have my whole life turned literally upsides down the last 3 years and now I'm sitting here feeling like I don't know what I envisage or hope for ahead but only feel this sense of worry based on how life has been this last few years. Loosely to explain, I'm 38 I wanted my first child in my late 20s but due to my life circumstances I couldn't, I saw everyone my age around me having their babies but it was a no for me, my partner didn't feel we were ready and afte r a string of awful jobs and some time later I had my first at 34, just before I fell pregnant after waiting so long I found out my mum had stage 3 terminal cancer, she died 7 wks after our child was born, I went through hell with the birth also, stuck

Stuck on the ward for 4 days, couldn't sit for over 1.5 yrs properly due to a broken coccyx, whilst on maternity leave I saw people slowly disappear around me, it was a time I looked forward to so much! I expected people to surround me not leave me! My dad had heart failure whilst I was on leave, my mum had died, we went in to lockdown, my husband was made redundent and he also became severely unwell and diagnosed with chrons and is still unwell. My partners family his sisters had nothing to do with us, no one visited us! I don't know why but it was truly heartbreaking! It was the loneliest time of my life and now I see my dad getting much worse in health, we don't see any of our family that are left much at all. It breaks my heart for our daughter that we have no visitors, that she may be at risk of this awful disease we had no idea of before we had her and had I known this would all have happened I wouldn't have brought her here! My marriage has suffered greatly due to the sheer amount of nihht time wakings we've endured over the 3.5 yrs which is slowly improving but we have been through a lot. Our child is also so so difficult, she is sometimes utterly defiant, she tests the boundaries intensely and I just feel so emotionally drained by my entire life! I sit here daily lately wondering why has this happened to me, I have always felt spiritual but I do not understand, i guess this is just how life goes for some of us. My partners illness means he goes to sleep very early every evening, im sat alone most nights from 8.30pm what life is there ahead of us, I just feel so miserable and defeated and lost in it all. I'm grateful for the fact I am ok and here at least for my child but I worry so much about the future

I have thought back a lot to the days when life was so much simpler, when mum was here and when I had such hope for the future of all that potentially lay before me, when I met my now husband then he was a beam of Light of strength and lihht for the future, he's so strong and he helped me through many challenges and difficulties it's hard to see someone so strong to then start to not be so, to always have envisioned an easier going child and to have a pair of children but due to the exhaustion we've in reality faced due to the poor sleep and battles and the lack of help to be told that your partner jjsy can't do it again and tbh neither can you it's heartbreaking. I never wanted to ever be in a position where we'd end up so alone without much family around us to then have to also get my head around my child being an only child and accepting that I'd also only ever likely have 1! I only pray so much that nothing happens to either of us got her sake so we can help her as much as we can for as long as we are on this earth as the poor child only has us that care about her! Had I known all this would have happened I would have not taken the change of putting her in this position!

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Life can be hard and seemingly so cruel. I wish I had some good advice. Sometimes, all you can do is hang on. It might take a long time, but things may take a turn for the better. Try to do something nice for yourself, however small. Once a day or once a week - whatever you can manage. Keep a daily journal, if only a few words, so that you’ll have a record of what you endured, and the fact that you got through it. I am sending you the hugest hug 💓💐🦋

@mistymoo555 sorry, for the late reply, I've just see this. Like MadAntonia, I'm so sorry you're going through this. MadAntonia also gives some great advice. You say you have always felt spiritual. Have you a faith that you follow? As a Christian, when I've gone through hard times, I've read the Bible and had my hope that things will improve reaffirmed. Just recently, I reread the book of Job. As well as the things MadAntonia suggested, I would add write down gratitudes each day. You say it took 1.5 years to recover from a broken coccyx, but you did recover! Your physical health sounds good (apart from the exhaustion of raising a small child, pretty much on your own, through Covid) feel grateful for that! I also find connection - and help - from my faith community. In my faith this is my church. We pray for each other and do practical things, such as people who are able to will cook meals for those who can't. In your situation, someone might befriend your family and help you with childcare in order to give you a break. Is your DD in nursery? Hope this helps. I will be thinking of you. Do post back how you are getting along.

Thank you both for your replies, I just can't cope with this life. My back always feel like it's against a wall at evey turn, I feel so alone. My poor husband is struggling with his health issue which took a turn for the worse with a medication he's had to stop so he's going through tests for another but app there aren't a lot of options left, meanwhile I feel this loneliness of having no one around here, there are ap many things I aren't sure about as to how we got to where we are. I always wanted my first child so much younger, before 30! We could have had we moved earlier, I just look bakc and think perhaps we made so many mistakes and just didn't see it at the time, I've lost so many yrs of life for my daughter having her at 34, I know it's normal to have them this age now but I hope to god I am still here past 70 for her as at 70 she'll only be 36 it's so young to lose a parent. And now I'm older and with my partner being I'll I'm not sure we can both cope with another baby esp if they turn out to be an horrendous sleeper as we went to hell and back with the first. Life has never been kind, I had no grandparents either side from when I was born and my mum had me at 22, my dad was 42, I had his mum until I was 3 but no memory of her, it's hard seeing grandparents feature in many of our daughters friends lives and us having no one, I didn't notice it myself as a child thouhh but mum must have felt that lack, just hooe she doesn't notice it either.

I'm grateful for being healthy and here still for her each day but there are many things that make living very difficult.

Most people I went to school with stayed in the town we were brought up in, I see they chose smaller; less expensive homes and had their children mid to late 20s, they had grandparents around for the child's younger years and they had more friends from school. In contrast we also for s time lived in the same area but my partner did not want to stay there believing it was a very run down area and to a degree he is right but we both ended up work work work and hardly saw eachother; my jobs have never been great due to poor education and a huge lack of confidence and education I was never going to want a decent wage, my partner though was blessed with being very clever and academic and pushed his career very quickly, and this is when things I feel may have gone wrong! He worked a lot of shifts so we didn't see eachother much on wknds, I found this so hard and for a time considered leaving as I felt life was also for living and seeing all our old friends spending time away on holidays together he paid the money off the mortgage as said we needed to ensure the money wasn't wasted as you don't know what's around the corner; we were 22 and 24 when we bought our first small home, at me being 29 he'd almost paid the mortgage off! It was unreal! At 28 we had our first holiday together but I think this should have been happening sooner! The first couple of years we were skint but from then on things changed a lot! At 29 we discussed moving to a bigger home as I was eager to get the family started! He wanted to get married first I agreee as it seemed the right way to do it at the time but now I realise i wasted time but we married and I turned 30 and we discussed the house move. I was having much stress in the line of work I do, it's always the case with this type of office work so much work and a lot of pressure! Having been in such a good financial position it was unbelievable to me we had in comparison no money worries but he wanted more! I just wanted to move without too much of a big mortgage to have the extra bedrooms for the children I hoped to have but he wanted to move to a much better area and to a much more exp home, I felt so unsure about it as I could not contribute to that extent but he convinced me he'd take it on and was happy but I made it clear I was not sure, I was 31 when we finally moved but then my work went downhill I had to find a new job due to plans to shut the office I worked at so I left and shortly after it was closed but I ended up in an awful new job but hoped after a year to be pregnant and reassess work after but I didn't get pretentious until I was just over 33.5. At the point that mortgage was nearly paid family should have come first! We should have just gone for it then and worried about the hosue move after but he kept saying there is no room in this house and it's be to stressful to move with a baby and made it clear the house move needed to come first and at the time logically it made sense but I feel like we made a huge mistake! I wasn't to know it'd take over 2 yrs to get pregnant but those 3-4 yrs from 29 flew by and I lost including the pregnancy best part of 5 yrs! We had an awful time with our first child's sleep for last 3 yrs we could not have had another on top it was that bad the wakings were so much! I'm coming up to 38 now but have a sick husband who could end up a lot worse if we get anther bad sleeper. I couldn't cope on my own it made us so exhausted. I think I'm just coming to accept that we will never have another but I feel awful for my daughter I never wanted her to be an only child and esp without any active family in our lives. I make a lot of effort trying to meet her friends parents and will carry on trying to do this for her but I feel like I'm also forcing this but I just hope she will find her way and also that nothing happenes to either of us. Most of my old school friends now have children entering high school whilst ours is still at preschool, I know so many are having to have them older now but I do wish I'd just had her younger, I don't feel he ever really did as much as me thouhh but I also appreciate me working full time as I was then and him working shifts would have also been a nightmare, after 29 he secured a days role and I've since gone part time so it has helped but just feel like being in the position we were in money wise from early 30 we could have done that then with me either going PT or taking soem time out until my husband got on a days role and not lost 5 yrs! 😣sorry this Is long I just feel like we missed a crucial point in life or it's just I have to accept it's how it all happened and it's one of those things. I feel at 28 we should have moved then! Started the family at 29-30 and got married some time after I had sugg we move at 28 but he wanted to hve another holiday as part of getitng married as we'd only had the one at 28 but things just took so long past then, I also felt this huge pressure of this much bigger mortgage even tho I wasn't paying it I was contributing to other bills and my own outgoings etc, I just wish I'd seen or know how it'd have panned out

I just wonder why you are focusing so much on the past and what you both could/should have done. You can't change it: you both did what you did for the reasons you've given. If you're having trouble accepting that and moving on, maybe counselling would help? You could talk this through with a trained counsellor. People who follow my faith believe that God has a plan for each of our lives, which is often very different from the any that we make for ourselves. Another thing that strikes me as I read your post, is that your DH seems to make the decisions & you go along with them, despite having very different ideas. I think you say you lack, or lacked, confidence. Maybe practice being more assertive, so you can feel more in control of your future?