If you have teens that have faith/beliefs do they struggle in school/college with peers?

[duvet]

Dd has some kind of inherent faith, she struggles to fit in with her peers moreso now she has started college because her peers drink, smoke weed and have casual sex all of which Dd is not into, not that she is perfect but just doesn’t feel comfortable with those things – she went to a party but hated it because of people getting very drunk.
She says these things are mostly the topic of conversation and not much else, she does have friends outside of her course in the clubs that she goes to and the church she goes to. She tries to put these things to one side but I know she finds it hard, just wondered if others had similar struggles?

No, but they went through faith schools so there was an expectation that having a faith was normal and encouraged. Their friends were mixed deep faith and none. None of them were ever into casual sex (but then we actively discouraged it), none have done drugs (because their not stupid) but they’ve done their fair share of drinking and partying. I think because we mixed in groups who were supportive of faith, it was never an issue.

Yes OP. My daughter was never into drinking, smoking, drugs, partying etc. She found it very hard to make/keep friends in the UK because of this. She is older now and has left this country to attend a university elsewhere. She has good friends there and her friends are people who have similar values to hers. I am beyond impressed and extremely proud of my daughter. She chose loneliness rather than having to force herself into situations and friendships that were just not for her.

Yes I think things do improve as they get older, I wonder if my other dd didnt have the same struggles because she was more academic and she went to sixth form rather than college? I'm just hoping that DD2 will be able to persevere, she doesnt want to be isolated, she tries to put those things to one side, keeps her head down. Her course involves a lot of group work so she has to get on with people, she just wishes she could find some more like minded people!

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. A faith school would have been good but there are no options like that around where we live.

There are many students of no faith who are not into drugs, smoking etc.
I suggest your DD looks a little harder to find friends.

My daughter is an atheist and just finished university, she doesn't smoke or drink, and spent her free time with the university dance society.
I think it is a bit shortsighted to view people with no faith making unhealthy choices.
None of my DDs friends were into hard partying either, and would be up at the crack of dawn on a Sunday morning to spend the whole day performing or attending competitions.

There are many types of students at university- just like in real adult life too.
It isn't so simple to suggest faith=good, non faith=bad.

duvet does your DD enjoy sport? Yoga? Running or any physical activity?
In my experience people who do some healthy activity are less likely to choose drink/drugs etc, as they mostly make choices to support their bodies.

No I wasnt suggesting that - my eldest doesnt have a faith and neither is she into those kind of things. Like I said i think as she gets older things will improve, she's not at university but a college and has a limit group of friends due to the course on and Like I said she goes to clubs that are not faith based and has friends there. Athesism is also a belief.

Athesism is also a belief.

Sorry it isn't.

Just like not collecting stamps isn't a hobby.

I don't watch football- could my "not watching football"be classed as a hobby?

Atheism is a lack of belief, not a different type of faith.

My daughter is also a non drinker, non smoker, a virgin still at 22 years old. She has no interest in aligning to religion. She has a mix of friends but is anti tory boy 😂

As Speakout says I detest the religious observance means Good - I work in a faith school and it is bollox.

I wasn't saying Faith equals good 🙂

I think the faith is a bit of a red herring here, I think college culture is probably more of an issue. There will be young people at your DD's college who aren't into drink, drugs and casual sex, she just has to find them. Neither of my DC has a faith, one goes clubbing with friends but is a non-drinker, non-smoker and completely uninterested in sex. The other drinks occasionally, doesn't smoke or do drugs and is only interested in long term committed relationships. They've both managed to find their people.

If it makes you feel better, I work with young people in a church and often the ones who go to a non-faith school have an easier time than those at the faith schools. At the non-faith schools, people have it drummed into them that you must respect everyone else's beliefs no matter what they are, so it seems not to be talked about very much at all, a don't ask don't tell policy. At the faith schools, otoh, children can be mocked if they actually believe in the faith, because so many families fake it to get into the school and then tell the kids they don't need to bother keeping up with the act once they're in, or kids lose their faith as teens and associate it with being from a previous generation, not something their friends should be into.

It can be hard. My experience is that it's easier to state straight up that you don't drink because of your beliefs. This goes down much better than a nuanced approach of trying to tell people that you do drink in moderation, but that your beliefs don't allow excessive drinking to get drunk. People tend to want a black or white set up. So even if she doesn't mind drinking in moderation, it would be easier for her to just say she doesn't drink.

I would just be encouraging her to hang on in and that there will be a group of people out there who will be her crowd and either not be in to the drinking/drugs/casual sex, or at least not let it dominate their lives and accept that she's different from them on that and move on to more interesting conversations. It will take time to find them though and it's up to her to decide how much she wants to fit in with the crowd that are on her course versus how much she wants to express her individuality. Is she happy just being polite in class but not really socialising with them?

It's not a simple case of "try harder to make friends". Just because someone else doesn't drink doesn't mean you have anything in common. One might not drink but spend their time running or at the gym whereas I would prefer an evening in playing board games.

I have a deep faith and whilst I had friends at school/sixth form I didn't really find "my people" until mid-university and now through the church I've been attending for several years.

Does the college have a Christian Union (or a prayer group for whichever faith she follows)? Could she look into setting one up? There will be more people like her. They may not be the best of friends but a space to discuss things that are important to her could prove valuable.

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She plucked up the courage to go to a games group this week there were only two people there, but it's a start! The nature of her course means she mixes with them quite a lot but I think she has started to find her feet a bit more, especially as other people will perhaps be themselves more too. Thanks for the replies.