Religion causing problems in marriage

[Jasminq]

Hi I wondering if anyone has been through a similar situation. I am Christian (Anglican) and I married a man who is from a Sri lankan Hindu background.. at the time I thought he was not religious and he's not really.
We got married and had a church and Hindu ceremony. Tbh I felt v uncomfortable with several parts of the ceremony I had to wear a necklace with a Hindu god on it .. and the priest asked me if I would raise my children Hindu ( I wasn't expecting this at all).
This made me feel really uncomfortable and said yes but then cried in front of everyone (luckily not a lot of ppl noticed). After the wedding we went back to his family home and his aunt made us 'go to the temple ' ie go to the statues in the house and pray. It was really not nice for me and felt like my identify and faith was ignored.
Fast forward five years and we still fight about it. Although he doesn't actually believe he finds it hard to separate it from his culture. I am v happy for him to do this but these religious events just happen randomly and I have caused offense before by not taking a blessing.
It seems like they want me to participate and I don't want to. I don't force DH to do anything, I go to church alone and he doesn't say anything but he doesn't want to talk about it.
I feel pretty alone and I dread going to his parents house

It sounds like the pressure comes from DH family rather than him. He may not know how to deal with the issue as he doesn't want to upset his parents either

I think you have every right to be upset that your DH didn’t explain exactly what would happen during the ceremony. But surely, if you religion is so important to you, you also researched it?

You also had a church wedding so he was in the same position as you. Maybe a civil ceremony would have been better.

How well did you know him and his family?

Personally, as a pagan I have no issue in participating in other peoples religions, if they invite me to. I see it more as a cultural inclusion thing rather than I am turning my back on my religion.

I suspect you feel completely misled by your husband. And so feel upset by all this.

Usually, in mixed religion marriages where both families are religious, there’s give and take on both sides. My dad would attend Catholic Church with my mum on special occasions, not receive communion but get a blessing and mum reciprocated. Both religions were explored and shared at home.

Dad would celebrate Christmas Day with us and mums family and we would celebrate his festivals at home together.

it Takes compromise on both parts. Just because you participate in religious aspects of Hindu it doesn’t mean you are disrespectful of your own religion and visa Versa . The only serious issue is if you have children (you don’t mention kids) what religion are they going to follow? I’m catholic and I’d agreed that the kids would be catholic before marriage.

@Mums1234 yea I think so we never really saw the family before we got married as we didn't live locally.
@Andromachehadabadday I researched it a lot but I didn't see anywhere that this was the case. I have a lot of Indian Hindu friends and no one mentioned it and I was asking a lot of questions. One of my friends said it would have been added it because Im not south Asian. Yea I agree in hindsight a civil ceremony would have been better. I was warned by a Sri lankan Catholic not to mix cultures so maybe I should have listened.

@Lollypop701 the praying /lighting incense ect in front of statues is what I worry about.

I should add I was slightly lacklustre in faith when we met and got married, things have changed which is maybe why we are having the problems.

If your faith was lack lustre, surely the Hindu wedding should have been so upsetting to be falling out over all these later.

i am surprised your friends didn’t mention the necklace. Or that the person conducting the ceremony didn’t mention or ask about raising children before.

I don’t think the issue is that you have different religions, per se. Marriages often struggle when one person becomes more religious, if it’s not something the other is involved in.

But I think your problem, is a communication one and a failure to embrace each other’s cultures and religions and compromise. It’s about your points of views.

My mum was a strict Irish Catholic. We still did Yule for example. She came to events. Her thoughts were that God (as in her version of god) had brought my dad too her and blessed her with kids, he wouldn’t be mad for sharing the culture. For being joyous and happy with the family he gave her.

If you think participating at all, on any of his families celebrations and special occasions, is turning your back on God, then surely your marriage is turning your back on God too. I don’t believe any of it is turning your back on him but how can participating in his life be turning your back, but marrying him not be Or do you believe your God is wanting you to convert him? You married to create a family, an extension of your own families, who are different and believe different things.

I think you might need to decide if compromise on this is something you want to do. If it is, counselling may help. Not counselling set up by a religious organisation, probably.

If you can’t, I think you may need to end this marriage and peruse a marriage within your own religion.

But you need this sorting before you have kids.

I am not sure that a secular messageboard will give you the answers you are looking for.

But I'd say that there are elements in Christianity - the ten Commandments for example - which are about honouring elders. There are also some passages, problematic for feminists, about respecting your male partner. So there are some strong arguments for going along with the religious celebrations that are part of his culture, while also maintaining your own faith.

Perhaps for your marriage to work your partner needs to accompany you to church on important occasions.

But it sounds like something you need to discuss more, particularly if you are planning to start a family of your own.

I'm not at all religious, but can you take a crucifix with you and put it with their statues and pray to this

IMO religion causes more harm than good

This is a tricky one. In England we have mostly moved away from cultural Christianity. The people who go to church are generally going because they are exploring their faith. This may not be the case for the OP's Hindu family where there may be more cultural elements. As a Christian I would not worship at a Hindu temple. I've been to them on interfaith walks but not worshipping. Oddly enough at one of my churches we had some Hindus worshiping with us as there was no temple in that town. It may be that there is something in the faith or culture or practice that allows Hindus to worship elsewhere which means that OP's in-laws don't get what her issue is. I don't know enough about it but it did strike me as odd.

I Corinthians 10:23 onwards speaks to this if you want a Biblical perspective.

If you don't feel comfortable with something then it is right that you shouldn't participate but it can help to recognise that if you do not believe in the god or gods being worshipped then you can still participate in cultural practices with a clear conscience should you wish.

I think you need to perhaps have more open and honest discussions with your DH about expectations - what you can expect to happen at any given event and where your religious boundaries lie.

I wonder if people were not open with you for fear you would not want to participate in things. You need to explain that you are uncomfortable taking part in religious traditions without giving informed consent.

There’s also the one about graven images. And not having any other Gods…..

I'm the wife of an atheist and I became a born again Christian after we had been married for several years. My husband at first thought I had lost my mind, but soon saw that I was actually happier, more stable, more peaceful and just a nicer person. I read a book called Surviving a Spiritual Mismatched marriage by Lee and Leslie Strobell, or something to that effect. It really helped me with some practical tips. I'm sure the books is synopsised on YouTube somewhere.

I am almost thankful that my husband is an atheist and practising another religion, as it is adds many more layers of complexity to the situation.

I would not bow down to, worship or involve myself in any Hindu practises or those from any other faith. Some worldviews promote an inclusive merging of faiths, but Christianity is a narrow path and doesn't work like that.

Two main approaches:

1. Pray for your husband, non stop, without ceasing. Google 'unequally yoked spouses' for more info.

1. Pick your battles and go along with your husband's wishes where possible. Where Scripture or your conscience go against his wishes, then you refuse.

That's it in a nutshell.
Pm me if you wish x

Biblically speaking, you are to stay with your husband and try your best to make it work while sticking to your own Christian principles. If your husband leaves you, you can let him go and you are free to find someone else.
It's a horrible situation to be in.

How did your husband feel about the Church ceremony? How would you feel if he said "I went along with it but the religious parts meant nothing to me".

Surely that's what each of you expected from the other at the time?

It can go either way. I was married to an atheist and found it really hard as we just had a fundamentally different world view on very basic matters, it ultimately led to the marriage falling apart (other issues too, which I won't go in to here, but the disparity of our beliefs was a major cause). I actually think, based on friendships, that I would probably have got on better with a religious person from another faith than a non-religious person, because there are so many shared values across religions that there's probably more in common between a practising Christian and a practising Muslim than a practising Christian and a nominal/cultural Christian.

On the other hand, some people in mixed marriages can make it work. I sometimes do marriage preparation classes for my church and the majority are not between two Catholics, they do often last. Things I would suggest:

1. sort out in your own mind what you are and are not willing to participate in on the Hindu side. Once you know your own mind properly, talk to your husband and make it clear what your boundaries are.
2. before you get pregnant, make sure you have both agreed how the children will be raised religiously: one religion, both, or neither? What cultural activities will they participate in? Will they go to a religious school, either as their main education or for special religious instruction? Will they be officially initiated into either religion? Will they have a name based on astrology? etc.
3. keep talking to one another honestly. Bottling it up just breeds resentment and misunderstanding. Make sure you both know how the other feels about this conflict of faith.
4. Agree on how much input his extended family will have in the marriage and raising of children.