Very uncomfortable about vicar/family member behaviour.

[shadypines]

Just letting something out on here as it's difficult to talk in RL on this issue.
Basically IL is a vicar and I understand she must deal with a lot of difficult issues and might need to talk about them. I'm not sure what the churches policy is on this but I was reading their code of conduct and she does not follow it.
In a nutshell, if we have a family gathering ( sometimes outside with near neighbours) she can often start talking ( she has a loud voice) about parishioners private business eg.sex lives/ drug issues or general behaviour/misbehaviour. She once complained about having to listen to a certain old fashioned singer an elderly person had chosen for their funeral.
I know any minister is only human but that said her behaviour is awful at times, she isn't like this on every occasion but on a regular basis. It makes me think that anyone listening would be shocked at the indiscretion and think twice about going to speak to a priest in confidence, this is certainly how it makes me feel. Another feeling I get is how every event or person she is describing has inconvenienced her rather than she is glad to be helping these people.
Not sure how I am going to deal with future get togethers at the moment as I feel I can't deal with her behaviour.

Try not to worry. It will be noticed. If she is like this at family events she will be like this in other contexts.

If she says stuff like this to you don't feel embarrassed over finding the conversation uncomfortable and tell her. Something like, 'No stop, I'm cringing, I feel embarrassed for them!' or just excuse yourself to go to the loo and start talking to someone else.

Needless to say it doesn't sound like a vicar is the right role for her unless she makes some changes!

I agree with you that this is wholly inappropriate. Using anonymous and generalised statements as a way of unburdening the stresses of your work is one thing ("I can't stand some of the music used at funerals. Conducting one is difficult enough as it is but if I have to listen to one more rendition of X song I'll go mad!" or "Some of my parishioners are exhausting. I have explained that I'll get back to them on Tuesday or whatever but I'm still bombarded with messages!")

But naming people and suggesting that their needs - your job - is an inconvenience is quite another!

But I suppose you have two options. One is to find her supervisor (a church-warden, the team rector, a church elder) and voice your concerns or deal with it privately by ignoring or shutting down any inappropriate remark ("IL, let's not talk about work okay. These people don't need you airing their concerns to me")

Do you attend her church or a different one? Or are you not a church-goer at all? As this I suppose will influence how you go about things.

Thank you for your ideas, I rarely attend the church, thankfully as I've no wish to meet the people she is disclosing info about.
I completely understand the need to de-stress and have done it myself but just to work colleagues or privately to DH, not the whole family and neighbours . Anyhow I am going to avoid get togethers where possible and remove myself from such conversations as suggested or try to distract.

I know a vicar like that - slags off members of the congregation to other members. Totally in the wrong job.

Does she name actual people, or is it all in the abstract. Ie. Does she say that Joe Bloggs is having an affair, or, that shes dealing with several people who are having affairs? I think if she is name specific, then you need to talk to her about confidentiality. It does sound like she’s revealing too much personal information.

I work with vicars, and generally they are great. They are genuinely some of the most interesting people I know- not perfect, each with strengths and weaknesses, but truly special people. I've learned a lot from them.

There's no guarantee though, and that sounds awful.

I've had the opposite experience unfortunately.... I'm not convinced one has even read the Bible as he certainly doesn't demonstrate any Christian attributes.

Call her out. Its like when someone starts talking about a counselling session they had with their spouse, you agree to confidentiality when you start, which means you don’t start gabbing all over the shop.
Vicars are in a similar role to therapists in that their parishioners come to them and share their problem in confidence. She has no business, ever ,to talk about it except to a supervising colleague. So call her out: say ‘Stop, don’t share what was said to you in confidence. We don’t want to hear it.’ Tough one, but needs doing.

@Riverlee sometimes names people yes, the sex lives one, a drug addict, different arguments that have taken place,I think to myself 'these poor people are coming to you in confidence' ( which is actually printed on the church pamphlet). She does have some good qualities for the job but this is quite a huge not so great one!
@doilookremotelyinterested that does not surprise me at all!
@Flowersintheattic57 it is soooo tempting to do that ' pleeease shut up Rev. IL, it's not respectful or appropriate'

She is totally out of order and needs to be called on it each time as its very inappropriate. As she is an inlaw maybe your dh would do it. In my family growing up any gossip was quickly shut down by my dad with a Hey!! We don't need to hear this.
She needs some of that..could be done n a lighthearted way but she should still get the message.

I'd do a faux ignorant, "Isn't this supposed to be confidential?".

Or maybe "Wouldn't it be better to offload to your spiritual advisor, rather than us?"

If this vicar is being so unprofessional you would be quite justified to report her to the bishop of the Diocese.
Just because she's a relative doesn't give her licence to get away with being so indiscreet.
People make the mistake of thinking that vicars aren't accountable when they are.

I'd report her to her bishop

That does sound awful and uncomfortable as you say op.

Could you say “are you sure you should be discussing that here?” to them?

Tell her she's out of order!

If she’s naming people then you need to report up to the diocese, in exactly the same way you’d report a GP or a social worker taking about their cases.

It’s not less serious just because vicars don’t get proper salaries. They are incredibly trusted members of the community and this is an absolute breach of trust.

She needs to have it raised by someone senior to her within the church. She’s not going to take any notice of you calling her out. Nothing terrible will happen, she’ll just get a warning. If she keeps doing it, report again.

The church won't do anything. It's not that easy to get rid of a vicar. You can't just sack them (more's the pity)

The local church won't, but the Deaconry and Diocese will. There are disciplinary processes and safeguarding processes, both of which are breached.

The issue you have here, is being prepared to effectively give evidence against her.

Thank you all for your opinions on it, I've got things to think over that's for sure.

There are so few people going into the ministry these days so I am not surprised that the IL's standards towards her parishioners are low. I just wonder what her sermons are like!

Churches are very gossipy places. It’s the whole “what can I share for prayer” get out clause. I was horrified to discover that problems I shared with a friend were then shared on the church prayer line. Vicars often over encourage people to share personal problems. This is done in the guise of being an honest open Christian and admitting flaws. These are then used to judge people or gossip about them!

That's awful! We don't do that in my church. We're really careful to check whether people are asking for private prayer, or to be shared on the prayer tree.