Feel disconnected from my church

[IWanderedLonely]

Hi, first time posting.
So, I have worshipped at my church (CofE, middle of the road) for 24 years. I very quickly went from clueless new Christian to backbone of the church - Sunday School leader, church committee, cleaning rota, you name it, and I was very happy to do so. Then lockdown happened.
I started to enjoy a lazy Sunday morning & a coffee ( I juggle work, minding grandchildren and caring for a 90+ Mum)
While I was doing this, there were Zoom services which I avoided, as my job involved a lot of these. We also have new, very modern, clergy.
I currently attend once or twice a month ( pre-Covid was every week). I went today and hated every minute. There are a lot of new people, which is a good thing, I know. The style and music has altered dramatically and I suddenly felt like a stranger, I came home and cried.
I am also struggling with my faith in general.
Any thoughts welcome.
Thank you.

Erm...try and different church more like your old one? Or get to rediscover your old church - treat it as new. Either way you will need to get used to a bit of newness and new people because what you won't get is the old church you were familiar with back.

However, if it is the new style of worship which bothers you there might be a church that is closer to what you knew before. With the faith struggles it might be that the church was helping reaffirm you in this and without that connection you feel a bit 'lost at sea' so to speak. So if you want to strengthen your faith, a church that you can feel a connection with, I feel would help. Other than that there are devotionals, worship music and prayers and faith communities online which you might find helpful.

I feel like you OP but I am RC and have been here 14 years and like you got caught up in doing jobs for the church which kept me going.
yes just loved my Sunday mornings without the stress of getting to church and am struggling to get back
Small community here too, so it's obvs when we can't

I'm not sure I have any answers for you but your distress is clear and I am sorry that you are struggling.. Different styles of worship are meaningful for different people and I think perhaps it may be time to reflect on what you need now to nourish your faith and what God's plan and purpose is for you moving forward.
Do you think it would help to take a break from church worship and develop a routine of spiritual practice at home? You could read the bible and pray daily. I enjoy and find comfort in listening to Radio 4 Daily Service and Prayer For The Day whcih are on BBC Sounds. Also Choral Evensong on Radio 3 if that kind of service appeals to you.
This may not be a practical suggestion but is there a cathedral or large church that you could think about attending? For some people being able to be at a service without any demands being placed on them can be refreshing and calming, Perhaps evensong would be wprth considering so you can still have a relaxed start to the day? You are a very busy person!
Struggling with faith can be a painful experience. Can you articulate what it is that has changed for you.. Might reading a book about doubt and keeping faith in tough times be helpful to you? For me doubt is part of faith and dark times can teach us a great deal and bring us into a deeper relationship with God.
I will keep you in my prayers.

I agree about finding a big church. Sometimes o think it would be nice to go to our small, local church round the corner but I fear getting roped in to doing loads of things. I have a very busy home life with 4 kids and working full time.
I find myself driving 20 mins to a large church which serves the local university where I can avoid attention (I am shy too).

It has a 4pm service which means I can have a lazy Sunday morning.

I think we're of an age, my spiritual life includes CofE as well as Quakers and an interest in Zen Buddhism. I feel great sympathy for your discomfort.

Those of us who lost our spiritual community, in the form it had been, due to the pandemic, suffered genuine loss as deep as many other losses Covid caused. I'm sure you'd have enormous compassion for someone who had lost their congregation and place of worship due to another cause.

It is a different thing entirely to recognise and be happy that other people have found a worshipping community which meets their current needs. You don't have to pretend to yourself or anyone else that this new and vibrant community 'replaces' what you have lost or meets your needs.

Imagine if someone appeared at a bereaved pet owner's door and said 'I heard your cat was run over yesterday. As you had it for 20 years I thought you'd be perfect for this puppy who needs lots of care'.

(I'm crossing my fingers you'll catch my tone of voice and not be horrified or offended).

It's also completely normal and correct to lay down responsibilities particularly if you are feeling led in a direction which changes your priorities.

You may find spiritual nourishment in a very different form while you are recovering from the loss and change you have experienced - no less real because so many experienced it.

I came across the (Zen Buddhist/mindfulness) Plum Village app during lockdown and I enjoy the gentle encouraging talks and calming guided meditations tremendously.

I have a little 8 year old boy. He goes to a CofE school. He's had a difficult couple of years. Recently he decided he wanted to say the Lord's prayer at bedtime and we now say it together every day. I can't say what it means to him or how it helps but it's certainly been good for me.

All the very best, D 🌼

Is there a particular reason why you're struggling with your faith? Is there anyone you can talk to about this?

Because it would seem to me that you're not going to find meeting with Hod's people, to worship Him, easy if your relationship with him has, for whatever reason, gone awry.

I also wonder whether you/the church piled too much responsibility onto a new Christian pre pandemic, and you need to explore spiritual matters further without the pressure of rotas etc. Maybe your foundations need strengthening before throwing yourself back into church life.

I was born into the Anglican Faith. It has been a source of strength and joy to me for more than sixty years. I don’t recognise the Church now. The bishops seem to worship at the altar of Stonewall and BLM , they have gone far, far beyond ‘inclusivity’ ( which I supported with all my heart, and financial contributions) to scorning tradition and even some of the central tenets of the faith .

They have stated openly that they don’t want their old congregations : the British, middle class cisgender parishioners ( except, mysteriously, when they need some money, or something boring like church cleaning done, then we seem to be okay). I hear this lament from other women who used to be the backbone of parish life, it’s not just me being grumpy.

We have not left the Church. The Church has left us.

This thread is quite thought provoking. How much of faith should be tied up with the way worship is organised, the individuals we are in fellowship with? When it seems to work, how much is comfort with what we find familiar? When we grieve for the loss of this, which is undoubtedly felt, what are we grieving over?

When you look at the New Testament many of the situations people found themselves in were new and unfamiliar with different customs. The apostles had to somehow bring Christ's message to people of different nationalities, religions, language, culture.

There is certainly challenge there. And not everything that is new and unfamiliar is good or good for us. However, I believe we have to be there amongst it - to some extent at least. Otherwise all we get is a separation and fragmentation of the church continuing.

I don't fully know the answer in the OP's situation, a lot depends in the OP but I do think it is somehow important the dilemma has arisen.

Thanks all for your replies. I've only had a brief read (at work) but will digest everything properly this evening.

Faretheewell, thank you, I think you're right about the church affirming my faith. Scissorsandsellotape that's it exactly, except for me the service has changed as well. My husband isn't a churchgoer; he's always been supportive of me but he's loved having a full Sunday with me.
Blackcountryexile I've been going to a midweek BCP service in another, small church when my work pattern allows and I've felt very uplifted and peaceful after those.
I think the statement I made "I'm struggling with my faith" wastoo sweeping, sorry. I was trying to refect on it when I was awake at 3am (thanks menopause). I'm not very articulate - my faith/belief isn't my actual struggle, it's more figuring out where I go from here, am I a disappointment to God if I don't attend church or formal worship, does it matter, and like allthegoodnamesarechosen I can't agree with the Church's charge into wokeness either and sometimes feel guilty that I can't feel positive about it. So much guilt again.sorry for the essay, thanks if you've read it all.
I do feel better today, but need to pray about it going forward.

Of course you're not a disappointment to God OP, whether you go to church or not. But He does know that it's harder to keep faith alive unless you meet with others of faith, receive teaching and worship together.

I think this is right. Church is there is help with your faith. And as you have acknowledged it has and can (in general) for you. If it is not doing this you can find an alternative church / way of worshipping and receiving teaching or try to get involved to change the things you think are lacking.

Starting point: I'm not religious.

It sounds to me like you are still attending church, so are taking part in collective worship, just not on a Sunday?

Why not carry on with that for not, decide you aren't going to church on a Sunday morning but make sure you set aside 30 minutes or an hour on a Sunday to read the Bible/prayer/sit and reflect?

I agree with the idea of maybe going to your nearest cathedral. I'm not religious, as I said above, but I find choral evensong so uplifting and a traditional service like that can almost be more accessible just because of the lack of expectation of the congregation? If you decided you were going to go e.g. once a month, it wouldn't really interfer with your Sundays but would still give you a routine interaction with a larger church. You could try and go on the weeks you can't make the midweek service or something? Or see if you can find another midweek service on a Tuesday or whatever so you have more opportunities to fit something around work?

I can't agree with the Church's charge into wokeness either and sometimes feel guilty that I can't feel positive about it.

Lots to unpick there. Whilst church should be inclusive and welcoming to all there is a lot on the woke agenda that turns everything previously established/ taught in science and by the church on its head. It's not just the church that struggles with finding solutions to inclusivity where someone does not lose out. So the responsibility (in terms of feeling guilty) there is just too much to try and shoulder all by yourself.

I like the idea of attending a larger, more anonymous church - no cathedrals near me, but bigger towns.
I've been thinking today that I'm going to try to jot down my thoughts, to help me make sense of them. The Wednesday service doesn't always work with my work pattern, but I will continue to go when I can.