First confession - autistic DS

[HerculesMulligan]

My DS is very keen in theory to make his confession with his school pals (we’re Catholic). Although we've always gone to church every week and his NT sister will sail through it when it’s her turn, I’m daunted by the preparation process for a child who’s very literal, law abiding and anxious. Wondering if any mumsnetters have had a similar experience?

Explain it's so he can be reassured of Gods forgiveness. So whatever he's worried about can be sorted out.

Sorry pressed too soon. What do you think his worries might be?

He worries about everything and by nature is a quiet, kind rule-follower who hates any thought of being naughty. Honestly, I sometimes wonder what on earth he would be able to confess (writing as someone who at the same age could always draw on a million squabbles with my sister when in need of material to confess). I don't want him to dwell on the idea of his innate sinfulness which could make his anxiety worse.

I would just explain that sins are essentially just mistakes. And that everyone makes mistakes. People need to admit them otherwise they might make the same mistakes over and over (if they insist whatever was a good idea). And stress that God then forgives them and that the process of confession is so he can experience this happening.

I would gently rubbish the idea of “innate sinfulness” and, as pp’s said, focus on forgiveness for mistakes.

Do they frame it as innate sinfulness at his school? It’s more a gentle reconciliation with God at my school and handled really sensitively. Parents get a lot of information throughout the process. I’d speak to his teacher and the priest too if possible.

I wish his school was doing the sacramental programme preparation. It’s two volunteer parishioners and the parish priest, without any teaching background or qualifications to my knowledge. They’re kind people but not well equipped for this situation, whereas he does wonderfully at his mainstream primary.

Well, if they do frame is as innate sinfulness just explain what this means - that none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. Which is what the confession is designed to deal with so we can be forgiven, overcome these mistakes and move forward.

But isn;t innate sinfulness part of christian doctrine? We are all born into sin.

I would respectfully suggest that if you don't want a child to dwell on their innate sinfulness then don't bring them up in the Catholic doctrine. I'm autistic and this would have been very harmful for me.

But isn;t innate sinfulness part of christian doctrine? We are all born into sin.

It is. However, it is such an emotive word and the realisation can frighten or offend people. Sometimes more gentle language is called for to avoid the fear/offence whilst still conveying the concept that we will make mistakes and this is ok, according to Christian belief, as God forgiveness and redemption is available to overcome them.

I understand and respect that view, ThisTownAintBigEnoughForBoth, and I'm always grateful when autistic adults share their experiences. Thank you.

He's the adored grandchild in a big loving Catholic family, I'm a churchgoer and he goes to a tiny and very nurturing Catholic school, so some of these ideas are already part of his life and we discuss them openly and carefully. I'm taking every step through this sacramental preparation with him and if it won't work for him, I will withdraw him without hesitation. But he is part of a faith community which has brought him comfort and joy already, and he'd like to be part of the programme which his friends are following or have already followed. Our parish priest has pre-ordination experience of working with adults with LDs so is very happy for me to dip in and out with him if that's helpful, and I'm just trying to work out what's best for him.

I'm relieved to see this hasn't become a catholic bashing thread!

I've just been through this with my 8 year old and although she's not diagnosed autistic she has a lot of anxiety.
She's found the preparation course very hard and two weeks ago made her first reconciliation but it took a lot of coaching from me. She had a cry outside the confessional and I really didn't think she would go through with it... but she did thanks to the lovely caring priest. It sounds like your priest will be too...I still don't know what sins she confessed.

I know it's not the same situation but I just wanted to give a supportive voice from another Catholic mum who has found the prep and sacrament a challenge.

I’d disagree, as is my prerogative, but even within a religion of which this is a part, there are other ways of framing this for a child with autism: that god helps us to try and do our best, to improve, to accept that we make mistakes and will do better.

As you mentioned the priest has experience I would approach him and ask him to have a chat together. Our Parish priest was wonderful with my nephew. He explained some people aren't as careful with rules as him and that as we go along in life we all make small errors and confession is a time to have a check in with God. That God isn't angry or sad but gives humans a space to check in. That God sees them and understands them and knows they do their best eveRy day. On the day they had a little chat about helping mum out a bit at home.

Speak to the person running the course as the Diocese can send out their inclusion officer (not sure of their exact job title) and they will meet with you and discuss the course and what can be put in place to help your child through it. This is a completely individualised plan for your child's needs. It can mean certain parts are taken out/not focussed on, visual aids can be used to help with understanding etc. Hopefully they will have lots of ideas that will help you child take part in a way that will work for them.

It's great you're thinking a lot about this, OP.

My DS went to a Catholic school and has become absolutely terrified of anything related to religion (I suspect the devil is the issue) but he won't talk about it. He didn't have a diagnosis of autism for the first few years of school and I just didn't realise the problem with religion until it was too late. He didn't do his First Confession or Communion in the end.

To be fair, I don't think it was even the school programme alone that caused problems. Mass and christenings etc, which we brought him to, all contain plenty to terrify a literal-minded child.