How do you deal with being "let down" by God?

[Silverclocks]

I'm not outwardly religious but I have always had some faith, read my bible, said my prayers and lived a generally Christian life, tried to be kind and charitable etc.

I've had a good life and thanked God daily. The only thing I really asked for in my prayers was that He took care of my husband and children.

Then DH died at 53 and DC have really struggled with their loss, DS2 particularly has gone off the rails.

I've always felt things happen for a reason, but I can't see anything good in this.

@Silverclocks

So sorry for your loss. that must be very hard for you and your children.

My brother died at a similar age, after suffering for many years. I'm still Christian, but not as 'strong' - if that's the right word. I've come to see it that sometimes 'shit happens' - even to good people. And the reason may not be apparent for some time. It may never become apparent. For me personally - keeping the faith - has helped somewhat. As the subsequent years have not been great always.

That sounds really tough. I'm really sorry for your loss.

My suspicion is that you are wanting life to be fair and it isn't. Bad things happen to good people. When it all went really horrible for me I found the psalms really helpful as they were expressions of the full range of emotions that had been prayed and shouted to God for thousands of years. It helped that other people had been through the same.

I'm sorry for your loss. I think you've maybe had unrealistic expectations up til the loss of your DH. I came back to faith because I realised life isn't always going to be good and in grief and suffering I'm going to need God.

There is no way of avoiding pain and grief in life. We live in a world which includes illness, death and evil. We don't yet live in a heavenly world united with God. I believe that all good is from God.

Try reading a book by C.S. Lewis called "A Grief Observed". He wrote it after the death of his wife. It covers some of what you are talking about.

For a man writing a very long time ago I find he still has a lot to say that resonates with modern readers.

I hope you can find a way back to feeling grateful to God. It's good to be able to rejoice in our beautiful world, but you can't when you are grieving.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. Sending love and strength you you and your DC.

I was considering this myself last night.

I'm not very religious, even though I was raised as Catholic. I felt I had it forced on me as a child, even after the death of both of my parents.

But after Covid hit us, I started to pray again. I prayed for my family, my friends, everyone I knew who was ill or had lost someone. I prayed for my son who was struggling with something else entirely. I prayed for someone I loved - that they would be happy, healthy, and safe, even though I felt we couldn't have a relationship at that point.

People still died, people still suffered. My son is about to face his struggle again, and the person I loved committed suicide.

And yet I'm praying again. That my son will get through this, and that the person who died is now safe, at peace.

Maybe that's it. Because I only pray when I want something, or am thankful for something.

But how can I be expected to keep any faith long term when my prayers are so rarely answered?

I am very sorry for your terrible loss OP. I found the Vicar who did my dad’s funeral very helpful when I was feeling like you. For quite some time I didn’t pray, then after a while I just sat in a church yard, not praying, just sort of sitting with God, then I would cry and direct it at God. Eventually I got to thinking he was with me in my grief and feeling just as I was.
I recently did the Unanswered Prayer Course, you could see if there is one near you.

I have learned that irrespective of a belief system is a faith philosophy of a path that there is immeasurable free will in our lives and we are the arbiters of our destiny. That said astrological themes and influences definitely affect us. Sh it happens and it is invariably explained by astrology. It does not explain the 'why does it did this happen to me?' though so that is where a faith/God of our choice can help.

I was raised in a staunchly Catholic household. I started questioning it all at around age 12 - not because of any major event, but because I had questions that no one around be seemed able or willing to answer.
Then at 14/15, one of the worst times in my life began. I won’t go into detail, but it involved some pretty horrendous abuse by a person in a position of trust. That was it for me. I couldn’t believe in a god that allowed such things to happen to a child - a child like me who’d believed, and prayed and attended mass my whole life.
Theres an old episode of Criminal Minds, where hirstoric abuse of one of the main characters comes to light. He is told by the perpetrator “God never gives us more than we can handle” and is met with the response “Well your God expects too much of 13 year old boys” and for me, that hits the nail on the head.

I am sorry for your loss, OP.

I'm an atheist, and I have had some really tough years - I lost my dad to dementia in 2016, after which my mother became alcohol dependent. I lost my husband to alcohol addiction in 2018 after a period that ended in him being removed by the police after threats to kill me. My mother then died from a fall in her home while drunk.

I take enormous comfort from my belief that there isn't a God who is OK with letting all these things happen. They just happen - there isn't some omnipotent being who's overseeing it all and doing nothing to help. My atheism brings me enormous solace and has helped me achieve acceptance and peace.

I am sorry to hear of your traumas and losses.
Like you pointythings I take comfort in being an atheist. My family have deep christian faith, and they will often pray for parking places and suchlike.
When my father was critically ill my mother's church told her if she had enough faith god would save him. He died. My mother still feels responsible.
There is no evidence to suggest a god exists- so I assume he doesn't. And I really hope there is no god. He sounds an evil incarnation- to sit back and allow suffering when he could prevent it.

Sorry for your loss, Op. I've felt like this since my mum was diagnosed with a degenerative illness 7 years ago. It's very hard to keep the faith while feeling like a loved one has been abandoned by God.

It is very convenient to attribute good things to god while bad things happen because we have free choice or live in a wordly realm.
A woman at my mother's church had a
car accident- ( bad thing not god's fault),
she was injured (bad thing not god's fault)
recovered well ( good thing was due to god's grace and prayer)
shortly afterwards developed breast cancer (bad thing not god's fault)
went into remission ( good thing was due to god's grace and prayer)
became very unwell and died ((bad thing not god's fault)

It is bizarre.

When I see people saying why me why me. I always think why not you?

So you could contend with these tragedies happening to other people and for you to keep your faith, but when it happens to you it makes you question?

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I do understand. I have concluded that God doesn't care, if he exists at all. At worst he is cruel. I have a child in a grave as my experience and evidence, not to mention everything since.

Change the way you view religion and ‘God’.

I was brought up in the Catholic Church and was constantly told that ‘he’ was watching over me, would be there for me, loves me, would protect me etc.
Its pure fantasy.

I believe that many of the messages promoted by the church can be used a blue print as to how we can live OUR lives.
How we behave towards others.

Nothing is going to stop bad things happening to us. Nothing is going to save us from tragedy or heartache.

The only thing you can do is be aware of how we react to adversity , our responses, our behaviour toward others.

@ICannotRememberAThing those are all good points, but nobody needs God or church to implement them. They are things I do every day as an atheist.

Taking God out of the equation makes doing what you suggest much easier.

🤣😂

Do we need a book to tell us how to behave altrustically?
Look at any well functioning village or tribe at any point in homo sapien history and you can see what works. At best the bible is a document of observation. None of the ideas in the bible are groundbreaking. Be good to others? No shit Sherlock.
Altruism can be observed in many species- elephants, wolves, even bees and ants- and they can't even read.
Plus the bible threw in a few nasties and curved balls- it condones slavery, misogyny, blood sacrifice, homophobia and genocide- just to make sure the power lies with those who want to covet it.

There's a notion for those who belive in God, that believers are chosen people and therefore not subject to ordinary suffering. I think this concept unhelpful, leads a person to think either God let them down or they hadn't been religious correctly.

Life is a string of random, unpredictable occurrences. God has no role. Life is unfair. People can only do the best they can and make the best choices they can. Prayer makes not a jot of difference.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’m Muslim and there are lots of stories of how prophets faced immense challenges and hardships. They were amongst the best of people and if they didn’t have it easy, I guess it can happen to anyone? I’m going through a really rough time at the moment and this helps me.

God is mother nature. All the other people who died were loved by somebody so no 'consciousness' would be listening to prayers and deciding to spare or strike down various loved ones. Mother nature is random, powerful, cruel, amazing. Stop seeing ''God'' as a sort of person who sits around deciding whether or not to show you mercy. There is nothing more powerful than nature imo. That's a God but we've no control. Except to be aware of its power and look after the earth.

Sorry if that sounded harsh. I am sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine feeling the additional pain of believing that God didn't listen to your prayer :-(

Yes, it's not like logically they were thinking well God loves these other loved ones less, but I suppose when their own loved one dies, it pierces the forcefield that had prevented them from confronting that double standard. That if God exists, he's allowing an awful lot of bad things to happen. But that was other people's pain?? Hard to fathom. Only your own pain makes you confront the reality. I do get that though. That's human nature. Pain is abstract and theoretical when it's not your own.

It's not about not listening, it's about God's omniscience he knows best, and there's a greater good behind every evil. I'm an atheist but even I found comfort in the idea of heaven and prayer though I don't really believe in it. If people like to believe in God, there's no need to try and convince them otherwise, save it for philosophy class IMO

Religion is so much easier a pill to swallow for people who were brought up in happy homes in tight communities with loads of friends. They then married their school/college sweetheart and lived happily ever after in nice communities with a bunch of perfect kids (conceived at the drop of a hat) with grandparents who lived long, happy lives completing the experience. You do not start to really question it's shortcomings until your life starts deviating from this norm because there is no incentive to do it. My own spiritual journey has seen me walk through the fire in slowmo over many years.

Now, I cannot abide by my sister in suburbia trying to rewrite her own past to make it seem all rosy for her teenagers. I cannot abide by my narcissistic niece with her gazillion IG collaborations actually expecting me to believe the humble brag that she is posting all those photos of herself and all her food to show how far she has come in living a healthy lifestyle - with all the tired cliche slogans and hashtags (chia bowls, smoothie bowls blah blah). I have cut out friends who get their highs from dating apps and short flings. Now that I know my own mind, I see the hypocrisy all around me and actively attempt to sidestep all of it. I also aim to raise children who possess attitudes and interests which are authentically their own. Spirituality was what religion should have amounted to had it not been manipulated into a political tool to control the masses.