Forgiveness

[DaffTheDoggo]

What do you understand by this word? What does it mean to forgive someone? What does it feel like, practically?

I am struggling to forgive somebody at the moment and thinking about it has made me wonder whether I have a real understanding of what forgiveness is at all. How do you know if you have forgiven someone? What is it? I think the closest I have ever got is just forgetting or moving on as time passes.

I’m a Christian but would welcome all perspectives. Thank you.

I think it's better to see it as something a community does, rather than something an individual has to do.
On an individual level, it happens when it happens, I think, and can be linked to how safe you feel.
It might never happen and that's ok, I think.
Nobody should ever pressure someone into forgiving a person who has harmed them.

It feels peaceful, to me. If that makes sense.

Hi, I completely understand your situation. I'm struggling with forgiving too.
I know that forgiving doesn't necessarily mean forgetting. You can forgive someone, but still the memory of what they've done keeps coming up.
It also depends on that person's behaviour. If they show they truly want your forgiveness, and will do everything possible to make amends (and they're not just empty promises) then that will go a long way to help you let go of the past.
But if that person shows by their behaviour that they're only going to do the same thing again and again - then you don't really have anything to forgive...
One definition of forgiveness is: the act of pardoning an offender, ceasing to feel resentment toward him because of his offense.
So if that person keeps offending, or if they're not sorry for what they've done, then it's impossible to forgive.
In my case, I'd like to think that I've forgiven what has been done against me, and stopped feeling resentment toward them, but I still can't forget what they've done. I've let go of the hurt.
I also balance that out with knowing that I'm by no means perfect, and I've upset people too - so I hope they have forgiven me.

Forgiving is for the benefit of the person who is wronged, not the person who did the wrong thing. Its not about excusing the behaviour or forgetting it, and it doesn't mean that there aren't any consequences either. So for example an abused wife might forgive her husband but it doesn't mean she trusts him enough to live with him again or perhaps even be around him.
Forgiveness is about choosing to let go of the anger and bitterness so that it doesn't negatively affect you so much. It's about choosing not to dwell on how you've been wronged. I've heard it said that not forgiving is like drinking your own poison every day.
I think as a Christian it means recognising that God has forgiven us for all the things we've done wrong and that we should follow that example and forgive others. I also think it's a choice and a process and sometimes you have to make the choice to forgive every day. Ask God to help you.
But ultimately forgiveness, like love, can be a choice rather than a feeling. Sometimes you need to just make the decision to forgive and the feelings come afterwards.

I struggle with this too, as a Christian, having had an emotionally abusive mother (although she would argue and say she wasn't). I have some anxiety about this topic because I want to forgive her and in my heart do forgive her. Yet I haven't told her she's forgiven (she'd be absolutely furious if I even acknowledged that there was anything to forgive her for) and we don't talk or have a relationship, we are NC. I feel conflicted about whether it's okay to forgive her without having a relationship with her. On the one hand I have seen it argued that Jesus Himself walked away from toxic people and that God doesn't need us to force relationships with people who are bad for our mental health and distract us from our purpose by making us feel depressed and anxious and hopeless. On the other hand, can I truly forgive her without telling her? Imagining how furious she'd be if I told her she was forgiven actually makes me laugh, she'd be livid. 😂 Although the situation in general isn't funny. Interestingly I have forgiven a physically abusive ex boyfriend without this internal conflict - I forgive him in my heart, understood why he was the way he is, prayed about it, and moved on without any feelings of guilt about not having contact or a relationship with him. I suppose our feelings on the matter differ depending on who we need to forgive.

I've just read a great book. A bit idealistic in some bits but overall worth a read.

@Pandypuff
I really appreciate your expressions - believe me, I know too well how difficult it can be with certain family members...

I think the difference is that with ex partners, we've walked away, and we don't have to see them again, ever. But with family members, we're tied to them indefinitely, and every time we see each other, we get stung, again and again. That's why the hurt is so raw, because those cutting quips, remarks, criticisms, chides, are constant. And nothing we say or do seems to change their behaviour...

The only thing I can suggest is mentally accept that whenever you're with your mother, she will likely say or do something upsetting to you - but try hard not to retaliate and argue, because that will only make things spiral downhill. Instead, acknowledge that you'll never see eye to eye, and if appropriate just change the subject to something positive.

As Philippians 11:8 says: "...whatever things are true, whatever things are of serious concern, whatever things are righteous, whatever things are chaste, whatever things are lovable, whatever things are well-spoken-of, whatever things are virtuous, and whatever things are praiseworthy, continue considering these things."