DFriends child is dying. They are a Muslim family, we are not. What can we do or say?

[inheritancetrack]

I don't even know if we are allowed in a mosque. Quite happy to wait outside, just to show how much we care about our friend and her daughter. She has friends everywhere of all religions, so we are not the only ones. It's so sad, her DD is her life.

So sorry to hear this. You should say whatever is in your heart to say. They will appreciate it.

When you mention waiting outside the mosque, do you mean for her funeral?

@ForPeaceSake

So sorry to hear this. You should say whatever is in your heart to say. They will appreciate it.

When you mention waiting outside the mosque, do you mean for her funeral?

Yes, I know it's traditional to have quite a short interval before burial. Presumably wear a headscarf? We usually chat through messenger but I will get updates from her friend who is with her. DD is ventilated in icu so she is not suffering It's just so sad.

You will be very welcome in the mosque but wear modest clothing and a head scarf.

Just say what you think is right. It will be your support that your friend will most appreciate.

Are you talking about the pre/post funeral events? If so it’s not customary for women to attend this. If people are grieving deeply you could end up inadvertedly causing a scene. Women, Muslim and non-Muslim, tend to go to the mother’s house and grieve / pray there. In some Muslim cultures the best way you can pay your respect is to attend from the morning at the house & help with the day to day cooking / serving / hosting so the family doesn’t have to & you don’t have to be close family / friends to do that.

Thank you. I don't want to do the wrong thing so it seems the right thing to do to maybe send a card of condolence, and wait to see if the family invite their friends for a 'wake' type meeting at the house.

I'm assuming you can put flowers on the grave? Or is this wrong?

I haven't heard yet but I know her dear girl had only hours to live so I'm not going to message her. She has friends and family with her and a large supportive family, but she is divorced, although friends with the father, so she lives alone with her DD.

Muslim cultures have differnt customs depending on the country they are from.
I'm a convert and attended a Muslim funeral prayer and saw the body at a wake. He was a close relative of my dh.

He had some of his non Muslim work colleagues attend including a female who wore a scarf and came to see the body and comfort his wife. People were donating to help pay for the funeral.

He ended up getting buried abroad so I cant comment on burial practices.

Ditto what everyone else has said. The funeral prayer itself is a very short affair, in contrast to a Christain funeral service for example.

As for flowers at the grave, I'd think it unlikely you'd be invited to go there as the focus is usually on visiting the family before the burial. Of course, there's no reason you couldn't visit the grave afterwards.

You sound like a lovely friend, and I'm sure your support will be a comfort to the girl's mother.

@ForPeaceSake Nothing will comfort the mother I'm afraid. Her DD has been her life for the past 12 years, and, as she was disabled, required around the clock care. DF has been devoted to her every minute of every day. I can't begin to imagine her coping with this. We will hear today I think, but it won't be good. I would love to put flowers for her later on and say a little prayer for her.

If you are nearby to the family home, can you take them some food so that they don't have to cook?

So sorry to hear this. Burial and funeral practices vary widely depending on cultural background/which school of Islamic thought they/their mosque are aligned to, so it's not really possible to give advice about that. However flowers at grave side absolutely ok. Attending any funeral/burial rites also absolutely ok if invited, so I'd just wait for now to hear about that. Anything in a mosque would be fine to attend if invited but would need to wear clothing that covers all your body except for hands and face, as well as a head covering, and you will need to take your shoes off upon entry too. Condolences card and flowers to the house also fine.

Thank you xx. This is so helpful to know

If you wanted to say something it is common for Muslims to say whilst grieving 'to God we belong and to Him we shall return'. You sound like a great friend OP.

You will be welcome in the mosque usually. We had a pupil die and some staff went to the funeral. They dressed conservatively and covered their heads.

Attempted meaning in English translation.

Allah (God) said: “And indeed We have honoured the Children of Adam, and We have carried them on land and sea and We have provided them with lawful good things, and have preferred them to many of those whom We have created with a marked preferment.” [Surah (Chapter) Al-Isra: 70]

As a human being every one of us are children of Adam (as). Therefore, in a Muslim funeral, a non-Muslim (colleague/ relative/ neighbour) can attend to show condolences but cannot participate in any funeral rituals.

Which basically consists of washing the body, shrouding it in white cotton unstitched cloth, congregational prayer for the dead and then interment without a coffin and never cremated.

After a Muslim burial, mourners will usually go back to the home of the next of kin of the person who has died.

There is no wake or a ‘good send-off’ in terms of the alcohol, but food will usually be available.

It all depends on how devout the family or next of kin are so it can vary slightly but on the whole that's pretty much it.

I’m so sorry for your friend. Im Muslim and I couldn’t attend my daughter’s funeral. My best friend (Christian) flew in from abroad to attend. We all appreciated it enormously. I’d say to dress appropriately, but there shouldn’t be any problem with you going.

And just to add what a lovely and kind person you are. I’ll never forget my friend did for me and the wonderful support I had from her. She’s the only person who messages on DDs birthday.

Usually everyone is allowed at funerals.

The funeral will be the funeral prayer, you can usually stand in the back of the prayer room (if there’s space) and watch whilst the prayer happens. It’s a fairly short prayer. Then they’ll proceed straight to the graveyard.

You do have people visit the house for weeks after (sometimes some families have prayers for the dead). People come with food usually.

Also we usually say on hearing someone passing ‘Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return’. May Allah grant your friend a beautiful patience and reunite her with her child in paradise.

@Milomonster I am so deeply sorry for your loss innah lillah wa innah iley hai rajeoon, may Allah grant you sabrun jameel and reunite you in Jannah ul firdous.

@frazzledasarock thank you. That’s a very kind message.