Protection for an Empath

[newbieempath]

NC for this!

I've always realised I'm a bit different, I get overwhelmed by people's emotions to the point that I've struggled on and off with anxiety. I can tell how someone is feeling without then having to tell me or even if they're hiding it but it's exhausting.

It's been mentioned to me many times that I show empath traits but I've never admitted it before- even my husband who is 100% not woo thinks I am.

I don't mean to sound mean but I don't think of it as a gift and I don't want to use it for any purpose, all I'd like to know is there a way I can switch this off.

I know MN isn't too fond of people who say they're empaths so I'm prepared!

I am a bit like this but I think its probably due to lack of boundaries as a child/ child trauma/ learning to anticipate parents reactions/care for parents. It doesn't actually help the person you are "empathising with" and is so draining when you dont have a clear boundary arouns you and allow everyone elses woes to drain you.

I also think some ND (adhd for example) find it hard to regulate incoming information and know how much importance to place on each piece of information meaning Everything Is Urgent!

Ah yes what they've already said.
Trauma response. See also hypervigilance and being on edge for any change in emotion.

And it is exhausting and overwhelming. I too loved lockdown because I didn't have to be surrounded by emotion all the time.

OP like others have said. Alone time to regenerate is necessary.

I think you should consider therapy to help with your anxiety, resilience and setting healthy boundaries.

@OutlookStalking

Ah yes what they've already said. Trauma response. See also hypervigilance and being on edge for any change in emotion.

Hyper vigilance- that's the word I was looking for.

But you really don’t know how someone is feeling. You know how someone’s news/experiences are making you feel. In bereavement empathy are known as grief thieves. They use someone else’s misfortune and make it their own. We are all guilty of this to a certain degree but empathy take it to the Olympic level. It is merely a projection of feelings. Most of us would never admit to it. A small number will feel nothing but that is probably the sociopaths.
Voice ng your feelings is the equivalent of posting about someone’s death on social media and claiming feelings when you hardly know them.

@Flakeymcwakey I do know that. And I don't enjoy my reaction. I don't think anyone's claiming any magic powers, just a heightened reactivity to emotional cues. In drama, the music, plots, angles etc designed to stimulate and encourage the viewers' emotional engagement is overwhelming to someone who engages too easily.

I agree that it's likely to do with having poor parenting, with a trauma response, perhaps some ND traits. Hypervigilance. Poor boundaries, thin skinned. (Cry baby. Fusspot.)

I know it doesn't help the person I'm reflecting, although it can help me defuse situations, and support someone effectively. I rarely fall for bullshit. It's not all bad. People find me very understanding (and proceed to offload all their worries and walk away feeling calm and refreshed). And yes, they actually say that.

It's entirely my issue to manage, I don't require others to tiptoe around me for fear of upsetting me.

OP if you are still here, something that helps is to keep your head full of your own worries and problems. Be less attentive to those around you. It's probably not your usual way of operating but it does distract you from worrying about other people.

And of course, surround yourself with happy people when you can. Limit time you spend with critical, angry, miserable people. You don't owe them your company. You aren't obliged to make everyone else feel better.

Empathy should read empath

Angry mum, grief thieves make it about them. Splash it all over Facebook, demand to be comforted etc. I know what you mean.
This is different.
The people I know who suffer from excess empathy just exhaust themselves trying to make other people feel better. Then go home and cry into a pillow. Or when they get better boundaries, learn not to watch call the midwife and avoid lots of people.

Life experiences has allowed me to truly empathise in many situations, but I have also learned how to reign intrusive thoughts triggered by other peoples life events.
If you are struggling with your extreme emotional reaction I would suggest therapy.
I have recently recovered from breast cancer, you cannot empathise with someone unless you have first hand experience. My sister had breast cancer 20 yrs ago and I now know some of what she went through and why she reacted in the way she did. But best of all we now have a common trauma and are able to truly empathise with each other.
Anyone who claims to “empathise” with us ( and for that matter anyone who has gone through cancer diagnosis) is likely to be put firmly in their place. Support is accepted but empathy without shared experience comes across as pity or self indulgence.

What you’re describing isn’t empathy. It’s making yourself the centre of other people’s feelings.

Narcissism, not empathy.

@MissTrip82

What you’re describing isn’t empathy. It’s making yourself the centre of other people’s feelings.

Narcissism, not empathy.

After several years of hideously uncomfortable therapy I agree with this. Empathy is high connection in the moment but only to a point. Obsessing and over thinking about people when you are not with them and believing that is empathy is delusional. Some of my most destructive friendships have been with supposed empaths and with me believing I was the same. I now know this as codependence and it doesn't smell half so pretty now. If you are getting ill after spending time with people it is only ever about you and your lack of good boundaries. It's never about the other person. If you want to die at the alter of martyrdom no one will stop you. But please don't dress it up as a super power. It really isn't. If you are strong in your core you won't be swayed by others regardless of their pain. You will sit alongside them but not be taken down with them. Please let's stop confusing the two.