Protection for an Empath

[newbieempath]

NC for this!

I've always realised I'm a bit different, I get overwhelmed by people's emotions to the point that I've struggled on and off with anxiety. I can tell how someone is feeling without then having to tell me or even if they're hiding it but it's exhausting.

It's been mentioned to me many times that I show empath traits but I've never admitted it before- even my husband who is 100% not woo thinks I am.

I don't mean to sound mean but I don't think of it as a gift and I don't want to use it for any purpose, all I'd like to know is there a way I can switch this off.

I know MN isn't too fond of people who say they're empaths so I'm prepared!

You sound like a highly sensitive person. Your qualities are a gift to the world - which could certainly do with more gentleness and empathy. However, such sensitivity can sometimes feel more of a burden than a gift to you yourself.

I would just say accept that you will need more downtime than most to regenerate and try to think of yourself as a dearly loved friend that you would like to be as sensitive to as you are to other people.

But don't ever wish away your personality type.

I don't believe in empaths. Most people are sensitive to the emotions of others - it's something that is a pretty natural feature of being human. Some people just indulge themselves in it more.

I can tell how someone is feeling without then having to tell me or even if they're hiding it

Yes, me too. Even children can often do this. It's not exhausting (for a NT person, at least), it's normal human interaction.

I'm NT, it's more than just knowing it's taking on those emotions too but I understand that it seems too strange to many people.

It's ok not share the same beliefs as everyone else, the world would be such a boring place if everyone did and believed the same thing.

I think people who say they are 'empaths' are abnormally reactive to other people's emotions and therefore it impacts on their mental health adversely. I think it probably means you are not so adept at handling the emotions of others, not that you feel them more. I think there are a number of reasons why one can handle other people's emotion badly but the one I see most seems to be some sort of trauma response. I don't know you, I don't know your life so cannot say if this is true for you.

If you're taking on other people's emotions as if they are your own that is possibly a form of splitting or projection - a lack of stable sense of self. It could be related to your upbringing - have a read around psychodynamics and analysis.

I think it probably means you are not so adept at handling the emotions of others, not that you feel them more.

Yes, exactly this.

It's a tough one OP, most people don't get it. If you don't have it you don't understand that it's a real thing.

I can't totally switch it off, but I do have a way of switching into 'rational mode' and enforcing the boundaries between my feelings and someone else's feelings if it's becoming detrimental to me. I also make sure I have enough time alone to decompress, crying if need be to let out the pent up stress. I found the way to do this through therapy in my 20s, as it was really messing up my sense of self. It's still not great because I end up being either "off" or "on" emotionally, but it's much better than before when I was all over the place. Hope you find your way of managing it - it's can be totally overwhelming.

(And no Mumsnet empath-skeptics, I don't go around calling myself an empath to other people, not even my husband)

It's a bit of both, I think. There's definitely an increased sensitivity, and also an inability to deal with the repercussions.

I feel the same. I enjoyed lockdown because I wasn't surrounded by all the sensory/emotional input from everyone else. I didn't need to 'read' how people were and behave accordingly.

I don't watch or read disturbing things because they exhaust me and leave me with insufficient energy for my own life.

It's a pain in the arse, frankly. DM watched 'Call the midwife' at Christmas and I felt wrung out afterwards. An hour or so on the rollercoaster ride of all that emotion. Awful.

I know MN isn't too fond of people who say they're empaths so I'm prepared!

Because is wooing something that is just boring science. Some people are just higher on empathetic traits than others. And nurture plays a role as well. I score high on empathetic scales. It's not some deep psychic thing.

@BobMortimersTrout I get the 'on' or 'off' thing- and I can look pretty callous as I try and keep my distance.

You need to learn how to turn down the effect. I suspect mass hysteria seen amongst teenage girls is actually a form of uncontrolled “empathy”. Maybe being an empath means you are unable to detach from others feeling because normal brain maturation has been interrupted.
Feeling other peoples pain is rather presumptive. What you may be feeling is projected pain, ie you put yourself in someone’s position and imagine how you would feel the pain which makes it about you and not the other person.
Empathy is not about feeling someone’s pain. It’s more complex than that, it’s more how you react and act to their pain. For example, if a friend is diagnosed with cancer you do not tell them that you feel their sadness/anxiety/pain but you do acknowledge their sadness/anxiety/pain. You can’t possible feel what they are feeling or even imagine what they are feeling because it has not happened to you.
You can imagine how you”may” feel but that is not necessarily what you feel if it does happen to you.

I think the reason why some people are sceptical is that we've all had experiences where people claim to know how you feel, when actually they really don't and they've totally misjudged it. There's also a risk that you make other people's pain about you, by suggesting that you are also in pain. I think there is a lot to be careful of in claiming to be an empath as if often turns out to be the opposite.

@BobMortimersTrout

It's a tough one OP, most people don't get it. If you don't have it you don't understand that it's a real thing.

I can't totally switch it off, but I do have a way of switching into 'rational mode' and enforcing the boundaries between my feelings and someone else's feelings if it's becoming detrimental to me. I also make sure I have enough time alone to decompress, crying if need be to let out the pent up stress. I found the way to do this through therapy in my 20s, as it was really messing up my sense of self. It's still not great because I end up being either "off" or "on" emotionally, but it's much better than before when I was all over the place. Hope you find your way of managing it - it's can be totally overwhelming.

(And no Mumsnet empath-skeptics, I don't go around calling myself an empath to other people, not even my husband)

Thank you, it's really hard to explain to someone who doesn't understand or believe.

I come from a long line of women who can "do things" but we don't label it - I only chose to use the word empath today as a tool for reaching out.

Thank you for the advice on switching off - I'm going to have to teach myself to do that.

I completely understand that not everyone believes in these abilities, there's lots of things I don't believe in too!

@picklemewalnuts

It's a bit of both, I think. There's definitely an increased sensitivity, and also an inability to deal with the repercussions.

I feel the same. I enjoyed lockdown because I wasn't surrounded by all the sensory/emotional input from everyone else. I didn't need to 'read' how people were and behave accordingly.

I don't watch or read disturbing things because they exhaust me and leave me with insufficient energy for my own life.

It's a pain in the arse, frankly. DM watched 'Call the midwife' at Christmas and I felt wrung out afterwards. An hour or so on the rollercoaster ride of all that emotion. Awful.

This is how I am too! I get completely drained with certain TV shows too.

@Lightstoobright

I think the reason why some people are sceptical is that we've all had experiences where people claim to know how you feel, when actually they really don't and they've totally misjudged it. There's also a risk that you make other people's pain about you, by suggesting that you are also in pain. I think there is a lot to be careful of in claiming to be an empath as if often turns out to be the opposite.

I don't actually tell anyone about this, only my DH knows the truth of what happens.

@MrsTerryPratchett

I know MN isn't too fond of people who say they're empaths so I'm prepared!

Because is wooing something that is just boring science. Some people are just higher on empathetic traits than others. And nurture plays a role as well. I score high on empathetic scales. It's not some deep psychic thing.

I don't think I'm psychic or even wish to be, I tend to take people who say they are psychic with a pinch of salt but that's just my belief.

@Angrymum22

You need to learn how to turn down the effect. I suspect mass hysteria seen amongst teenage girls is actually a form of uncontrolled “empathy”. Maybe being an empath means you are unable to detach from others feeling because normal brain maturation has been interrupted. Feeling other peoples pain is rather presumptive. What you may be feeling is projected pain, ie you put yourself in someone’s position and imagine how you would feel the pain which makes it about you and not the other person. Empathy is not about feeling someone’s pain. It’s more complex than that, it’s more how you react and act to their pain. For example, if a friend is diagnosed with cancer you do not tell them that you feel their sadness/anxiety/pain but you do acknowledge their sadness/anxiety/pain. You can’t possible feel what they are feeling or even imagine what they are feeling because it has not happened to you. You can imagine how you”may” feel but that is not necessarily what you feel if it does happen to you.

Thank you for your message, I'm over 20 years too late to be a teenage girl. I'd never be so presumptuous to actually say to someone I feel what they're feeling, very close friends notice my reactions to things and have made the suggestions - I've never actually confirmed or denied to them, I've just changed the subject.

@Lightstoobright

I think the reason why some people are sceptical is that we've all had experiences where people claim to know how you feel, when actually they really don't and they've totally misjudged it. There's also a risk that you make other people's pain about you, by suggesting that you are also in pain. I think there is a lot to be careful of in claiming to be an empath as if often turns out to be the opposite.

Thank you, that's why I'd never actually make that claim to anyone IRL but instead reach out on an anonymous forum.

[quote OutwiththeOutCrowd]You sound like a highly sensitive person. Your qualities are a gift to the world - which could certainly do with more gentleness and empathy. However, such sensitivity can sometimes feel more of a burden than a gift to you yourself.

I would just say accept that you will need more downtime than most to regenerate and try to think of yourself as a dearly loved friend that you would like to be as sensitive to as you are to other people.

But don't ever wish away your personality type.

[/quote] Thank you very much for your advice!

I'd also like to thank everyone for their input both sceptics and believers.

I'm not returning to this thread but it's been an interesting read.

I have a friend who describes herself as an empath and although it sounds wanky, I do agree. She can't really understand how others feel more than the next person, but she seems to absorb their feelings and take them on as her own burdens.

For example, a mutual friend was talking through her relationship woes and how she had been treated by a couple of men. I felt for her and talked to her about it but was able to leave it there. My 'empath' friend got really worked up, felt like she was having to deal with it personally herself. Left her (the empath) feeling stressed, frustrated and upset.

I don't know how you would change this particularly, but just try and remind yourself that although you can imagine how other people may feel, their pain is not yours to feel. Try taking deep breaths and reminding yourself that you can let their emotions go.

You know when you are watching Call The Midwife and getting overwhelmed by the emotions... you do understand that they are actors pretending to feel those emotions? And that even if they were really feeling them, the telly box can't actually transmit them? This is why PP are talking about you projecting rather than feeling the other people's feelings. You are reading their behaviour/ demeanor etc and intuiting but crucially not ACTUALLY feeling or really knowing what is actually being felt by the other. That's not to say its not exhausting or you might not be doing that with an intensity that others do not experience. But you are not actually FEELING them and while you persost with the belief that you are, its really unlikely that you will be able to manage appropriate boundaries aroumd others. Everyone has mirror neurons and they arent magic.

Humans are not empaths. Betazoids are empaths. You are not a Betazoid.

She can't really understand how others feel more than the next person, but she seems to absorb their feelings and take them on as her own burdens.

I think that's a bad habit. A learned behaviour. Not some kind of special empath essence.

Observe, don' t absorb.
There are a couple of Empath groups on Facebook.

@Enb76

I think people who say they are 'empaths' are abnormally reactive to other people's emotions and therefore it impacts on their mental health adversely. I think it probably means you are not so adept at handling the emotions of others, not that you feel them more. I think there are a number of reasons why one can handle other people's emotion badly but the one I see most seems to be some sort of trauma response. I don't know you, I don't know your life so cannot say if this is true for you.

I agree with this. I suffered trauma as a child. I think I'm hyper switched on to others emotions because I learned to be on alert as a child.