Love your enemies - has anyone ever really tried to put this into practise?

[YummersBrandyAndMincePies]

If so i'd love to hear about your experiences and how it has changed your life, if at all, as it's something i'm trying to understand at this particular juncture. Thanks

Yes - I have tried this unfortunately with not very much success. DH's family were always quite against me from the moment that we met but I was always pleasant and caring towards them. I babysat his nephews and nieces and even hung out the washing when we went to his sister's for dinner (I had to sit on the floor in the kitchen to eat 'cos there was no space at the dining table!).

It carried on when we were married and his parents came to live with us. His mother was particularly nasty (although she was in a wheelchair) and would call me names ("whore" being a favourite) and on one occasion chased me around with a wooden spoon. I ignored it because she meant the world to my DH.

When she was admitted to hospital with breathing problems, I took turns staying overnight with her and was actually mistaken for her daughter by hospital staff. Her own daughters were too busy and wouldn't even help her go to toilet. Caring for her was full-on and I was never sorry to do it. I bathed her, dried and brushed her hair till it shone, rubbed her arthritic arms and legs with oil.

She was an extremely difficult person and eventually her hate overcame her and she began to turn on my DH. They had a terrible row which resulted in her going to the police and accusing us both of neglect. Luckily for both of us, social services were aware of her history but sadly for my DH, she moved out four years ago. He saw her a couple of times after that but she passed away just before Christmas.

I'm not telling you guys any of this because I'm a martyr or a saint - far from it - I actually have very little patience! But I treated her better than I've treated my own parents and with more love and care even though I knew that she hated me. I'm not sure I would ever do that now I have a DD but still, now she's gone, at least I have no regrets. The rift between her and DH was in no way down to me and whatever she said about me, the opposite was true.

At the risk of sounding preachy ( although this is a religious thread ) someone once told me that when it came to your enemies, you should "kill them with love". I think that's a great adage and I'll never be sorry I followed it.

Blimey - that was a bit epic

Got carried away in a "sharing moment"

Bloody hell C&C, I just don't think I'm up to that! But I do genuinely admire you, that is love beyond the call of duty, you certainly weren't morally obligated IMO.

Honestly - when I look back now I do think "What the hell??" but it is amazing what your mind will force you into doing when you feel you have no choice.

Of course now I have a child, I would have to be more selfish but that's not an issue. Sadly for my DH, my actions made not an ounce of difference but I guess I just wanted to illustrate it can be done - even by an intolerant person like me

I feel sorry for her now. I'm not a particularly religious person but assuming that at one point we do have to account for our actions, I wonder what justification she would use for what she did - not to me but to her son. I know he struggles with it every day - she died less than a month ago and I can see he hasn't "grieved" yet. I wish I knew how to help him

very sad to hear your story.just be there for you husband when he needs you.It was the same with my MIL WHAT EVER I DID DIDNT MATTER JUST DIDNT LIKE ME .It was my step mil she had children by my fil and was cheating on him dont know why she seemed to want to cause agro .If she could put me down she would.perhaps she thought i was stronger than her not in the phsical sense.Dont even think of rel;igion i am a christion but god knows whats in your heart.Dont have to account for your actions just be good and kind turn the other cheek as it says i am not that tolerant even but i feel dont waste energy on some 1 or some thing you cant change.My mil was good at digging at me went to her house 1 christmas got every 1 presies and when it came to me she said i ordered u some thing bit it aint here.FELT SO STUPID in front of every one.

CashnCarry, I just wonder what would you call 'success' if what you did for your mother-in-law 'not very much success'?
What I can't understand is your husband's attitude in all this. If I was made to sit on the floor I'm sure my husband would have offered me his place or maybe sat on the floor with me. Or would have left for fish and chips round the corner.
What on earth more could you have done for her?

lot i no understand. i lot poor have kid sn kid papa die. no understand people say me kid better die. no understand people have money use money bad. i talk god. he help me. i happy. my family good. i happy. study england. hope future.

DutchOma - I suppose i would have called my approach successful if it had actually brought about a positive result for DH and his mother. His family treated him as badly (if not worse) than they treated me so I wanted to show solidarity with him if nothing else. He never forced me to stand shoulder to shoulder with him - it was a decision I took - for better for worse sort of thing. Seemed like a good idea at the time

Sabaidii - I'm afraid i found it a little difficult to work out exactly what your post meant but it seems clear that you have a positive attitude and that's helped you deal with the problems you're facing at the moment - well done and good luck

I've just read 'Middlemarch' by George Eliot for OU course and this deals quite a bit with this, or in an indirect way - her heroine is based on St Theresa, but her doctrine of sympathy/empathy has really made me think.

I'm going to try and be empathetic........

Yes and it works scares them silly when you are nice to them ,you just end up feeling bad and as petty as them if you stoop to their level.

One of my favourite sayings is

"living well is the best revenge"

oh god. advisedly not blasphemingly.

i don't hate anyone.

i have moments of INTENSE hatred towards people (often loved ones!) but is there someone I hate in this world? no.

is there something wrong with me?

or do you think it is because i just don't believe in inherent evil? weakness, humanity...yes (this is my understanding of original sin) but evil. no.

i didn't kill the thread?

No Sophable you didn't - I'm still here

It's not so much hating someone I think - it's more how to treat someone who's hurt you deeply like fireflytoo who posted below about managing to turn around her negative emotions towards the other woman by actively doing nice things.

There is someone who I do profess to hate actually My sister's DH is a real arse-wipe and still, some 10 years after a family fallout, blatantly ignores me at the odd family do I attend. Even though I hate him, I still approach him with a smile and always make a point of saying hello. One day the bastard will say it back I hope

CashnCarry, Love is never lost and is its own reward.
God bless you for what you did for your mother in law and for what you are doing for your husband.

wow - thank you all for sharing your experiences. it's funny how the topic has turned to MILs, as i actually had my MIL and SIL in mind when i started the thread. Same old story really - they rejected me from day one, and it got much worse after they found out i was pregnant. mil demanded that dp leave me, basically offered him money to do so, and then when he refused she didn't speak to him for 6 mths. the whole thing sent me into a depressive spiral and i'm finding it hard to forgive even now.

Cashncarry - what you did for your MIL is (i think) exactly what Jesus was talking about, and something which i could never imagine having the strength to do.

Dear Yummers. That is pretty much the case with my current in-law, though the rejection has been a bit more subtle. I try to remember it is really not personal. They would find something to dislike whatever. The culture in the family is to gossip and critisise.

My ex-MIL was a classic. If I worked I wasn't looking after ex-DH. If I didn't work I was living off him while waltzing around having my nails done...

I'm am now at the stage of doing what I like whilst trying to behave in a decent and thoughtful way. But I don't bend over backwards anymore for people who are unwilling to saying thank you.

Yummers - LOL at you creating the thread with your MIL in mind

I'm sorry to hear about the way they've treated you and your DH. Maybe the struggle you're having is because you're trying to rationalise their behaviour and so find a way to understand and therefore forgive.

I think maybe you should just acknowledge to yourself that their behaviour has been/is (you don't say if it's continuing) appalling and there's not necessarily a rhyme or reason to it. Really you should feel sorry for them - after all your MIL has lost a precious six months out of her relationship with your DH, a child she once nurtured and loved presumably. Even if their on speaking terms now, it's doubtful their relationship would really recover which is incredibly sad for all parties.

It's just my two-penneth but maybe try to move the emphasis away from forgiving them and try to focus on only accounting to yourself for your feelings. It helps me a lot to know that I did the right thing. I do worry slightly that that makes me smug sometimes rather than a good person but I guess I'd rather be smug than hold onto hate/dislike/resentment (delete as appropriate!) for the rest of my life

c&c I think that's probably the best we can do with tiresome relations -it's hard to keep up on a dialy basis isn't it?

Don't get me started on my MIL & family, it brings out a VERY unchristian side of me!!!

slaps self for negative thoughts