Forgiveness

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

I'll welcome replies from all religions.
I'm desperate to forgive three people specifically all of whom have done me irreperable harm from childhood onwards.
I'm exhausted with hating them and want to let it go for the sake of my own sanity so I can move on with my life and feel lighter.
But not one of them are in the least bit sorry for wrecking my life, have gone on to live happy lives of there own as far as I'm aware and when it's been mentioned in the past have been sarcastic and unrepentant and say I should "get over myself"
It's difficult to get over having a lifelong serious mental illness because of the abuse and neglect when I have to take medication every day of my life to feel even mildly normal .
But i'm feeling spiritually this is oppressing me 100 times more than it is oppressing them and I really just want to let go and be the better person. But then again there is a darker side that just wants them all dead.
Where do I even start?

www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/clips/z2r6sg8

This might seem a really odd link, but I use it a lot in class and I always think it’s the most remarkable act of Christian forgiveness I have ever looked at.

The thing that struck me was you saying that you’re exhausted carrying it around, and that is essentially what Dee Walker says - that the weight was too much to carry and so she chose not to.

I’m not sure that it makes it any easier, but you might find it and interesting listen

My understanding of Christianity is that you may choose to forgive them if they ask/ beg your forgiveness. If you chose to forgive them, even though they have not accepted their behaviour was wrong then it is up to you.

You have suffered and sound to be still suffering, they do not care. Do you feel you can put the past behind you and rise above what happened, dwell on building a better and more contented future for yourself without thinking about them?
Little steps.
What matters most is your health physical and mental. Can you seek help through the NHS or speaking to faith leaders?
Good luck in achieving your inner peace.

Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the other person. It’s also an ongoing process, not something that you just do once but in my experience it works.
Would it help to think of ‘forgive’ as meaning ‘to give up’? What they did was wrong, you’re not saying it was right, or it didn’t happen or it didn’t affect you. What you are saying is that you’re going to give up thinking about it, and you’re going to give up any thoughts of revenge or retribution.
I found that I had to keep on reminding myself that I had forgiven the person. Literally make myself think about something else. When the person popped into my head I would acknowledge it ‘Yes, it would be lovely if they would just drop dead, but I am not going to waste any more of my time thinking about them’, and not allow myself to dwell on it. It got easier over time.

Do you still have to see the people in question?

My understanding of how to forgive works on the basis of acknowledging that the trespass was committed by the lower self of the person, and the better/ higher self of that person lost sovereignty and would never have chosen to act badly.

So our best self acknowledges the grace of their best self, and admits their fall from grace was saddening but not unforgivable.

I think you would benefit from therapy, particularly with someone specialising in trauma, in which you can express your feelings about these people and work on letting it go, rather than further burdening yourself with the idea that forgiving them, or attempting to, is going to magically disburden you.

It might help to view them as damaged with faulty thought processes. They did whatever they did because they do not function as they should.

Punishing them would not necessarily cure them so seeking vengeance (opposite of forgiveness) is pointless. If you don't wish for them to be punished then you have forgiven them. (Justice is different from vengeance as it can be restorative.)

You can forgive whilst still wanting to remain apart from them and their influence in order to protect your self and prevent them from doing more harm. Indeed it can be the kindest thing to do if your presence merely provides opportunity for them to continue to do wrong.

You can forgive somebody without needing to have a relationship with them. So it's for you, really. Religion doesn't expect us to keep putting ourselves in the path of people who don't treat you well.
So you can work on acceptance of what happened, thus letting go of needing them to acknowledge/apologise for what they did (it's hard, I understand that)
And then if it's possible, get on with your life without them in it.
You're right that holding on to it is damaging you more than them.

I don't think religion comes into the equation much, it's more about human feelings.
You are probably right about the perpetrators not being sorry about your situation. They won't even be thinking about it. But, it is still affecting you, and as such, you need help in dealing with your feelings. The best thing is to get on with your own life, try to enjoy yourself and gradually stop giving these people so much of your mental attention. Ask yourself, are they worth all your angst?

How about saying a prayer where you hand over your painful history, all the people involved, and all of your feelings, to the Divine/God/Goddess? Prayer isn't a magic wand, but you don't need to be bending over backwards to work out how to forgive. I think it will become clearer over time but for now, you should focus on your own healing, with the help of the Holy Spirit if you choose.

Thanks folks you've given me a lot to think about. I've had therapy but it didn't really help. The damage that has been done cannot be undone. I moved hundreds of miles away and don't see them any more, I have chosen not to be part of their lives and I have lost other loved ones who don't understand why I did this. I didn't tell them because I don't see why they should be hurt as well as me.
A friend of mine has also given me a book called Lovingkindness by Sharon Salzberg which I am about to read.

It doesn't sound like you're ready to think of it in these terms.

Have you heard of the concept of radical acceptance OP? I wonder if in the circumstances you describe, it might possibly be a more accessible path than forgiveness.

www.verywellmind.com/what-is-radical-acceptance-5120614

From that webpage:

Some people might think that forgiveness and radical acceptance are the same thing. In fact, they are very different. Forgiveness involves extending an act of kindness to the other person whereas radical acceptance is the extension of an act of kindness to yourself.

@Dellit

Have you heard of the concept of radical acceptance OP? I wonder if in the circumstances you describe, it might possibly be a more accessible path than forgiveness.

www.verywellmind.com/what-is-radical-acceptance-5120614

From that webpage:

Some people might think that forgiveness and radical acceptance are the same thing. In fact, they are very different. Forgiveness involves extending an act of kindness to the other person whereas radical acceptance is the extension of an act of kindness to yourself.

This is an excellent way of looking at it!

I don't think you are ready to forgive anyone yet but maybe you could try looking inwards and exploring your own feelings first.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Thanks folks you've given me a lot to think about. I've had therapy but it didn't really help. The damage that has been done cannot be undone. I moved hundreds of miles away and don't see them any more, I have chosen not to be part of their lives and I have lost other loved ones who don't understand why I did this. I didn't tell them because I don't see why they should be hurt as well as me. A friend of mine has also given me a book called Lovingkindness by Sharon Salzberg which I am about to read.

Therapy won’t undo the damage, but a decent therapist will help you centre yourself in your own thinking, and explore your feelings about what was done to you. Your feelings are the important thing. After all, you no longer have a relationship with these people except in your head — better to focus on directing your attention towards yourself, rather than extending it to people you’ve no reason to want to put yourself out for.

One thing you could do if you don't want to think about them is every time you start to think of them tell yourself, 'They don't deserve my brainspace.' and then think about something you like.

I think in some cases it's fine to just not forgive them but it's you are keeping the hurt alive and strong in your head though, it is you who is hurting you now.

Try watching some Caroline Myss videos, I don't agree with everything she says but she is right when she talks about this subject.

Therapy has helped me address this stuff. Sometimes you just need to sit with those incredibly dark feelings for a while, for however long it takes in fact, until you are not threatened by them anymore. I needed to do this alongside someone else. All of your feelings are valid. In my experience, any attempts to 'just forgive' minimise all my feelings and make me return once again to the quiet compliant child who was hurt in the first place. I feel like I am going against the grain of what you are asking in this thread and I understand that all this stuff is painful and you just want release...I understand how shit it is. I really like the work of Alice Miller who writes about the connection between childhood abuse and mental illness. She is blunt and brutal but I found her work very liberating. She basically insists that we must acknowledge all the dark feelings of rage and terror that have been suppressed all these years. But it takes time and courage. And I wouldn't attempt it alone. I wish you all the best.

Hi OP.

I was sexually abused as a child and only really discovered I had been a couple of years ago. I’d blamed myself for a long time because I couldn’t make sense of the memories I had. I thought the only time I would free from my mental prison was when I died. Then Jesus came into my life. He healed, changed and transformed me. He walked me through therapy and the journey of forgiveness.

As other posters have said, forgiveness is a decision. Deciding to let go. God sees all brings justice and is capable of repairing the pain left behind. Spiritually, not forgiving can be poisonous. Without understanding our Creators design, it’s challenging to process topics like forgiveness. Believers in Christ are forgiven of sin. God extends forgiveness to us and asks us to treat others in the same way.

I battled to forgive my abusers but God helped me realise that I’m not powerless. They don’t get to live in my head rent-free anymore. I forgave because I wanted to grow spiritually, in my walk with the Lord. I also came to realise there’s so much more going. Ephesians 6:12 People make poor and disgusting choices but there’s evil working through these people.

God has a plan and a purpose for your life. He wants the best for you.

Louise Hay's book - 'you can heal your life' will help you out here.

Therapy doesn't really help with this sort of stuff IME.

It's quite life changing to get a new perspective.

OP, I came here this morning to post my own thread about struggling with forgiveness. Before seeing yours, I even gave mine the same title and typed the whole thing out, before deleting. Seeing your thread then has been a moment of great serendipity (or more) for me. Thank you for it.

As PP have said, forgiveness is not a moment but a process, a continuing series of decisions to let go. It's normal to struggle with it. Reading your thread makes me worry that, as well as suffering the harm these people caused you, you're also blaming yourself for your inability to forgive.

A mental image that helps me is that of a red hot coal. It's there, it burns, it can't be denied, but I can choose whether I want to grasp it tightly in my hand or whether I want to put it down. Each time I choose to put it down I am hurt a little less.

@SSOYS

Beautiful image from the Lord!

Proverbs 25:22

@SSOYS & @HmmGrey, I agree!

And we absolutely need to practise forgiveness because we all need it. Without forgiveness repentance is so much more different. Imagine if everyone were to identify you with your mistakes, your weaknesses, your flaws and that's all they ever saw. Every time you made a start to try and repair the damage caused they refused to acknowledge it and were the opposite of encouraging. It would make repentance all the more tough, wouldn't it? Thankfully our God forgives.

Forgiveness can be difficult but it is vitally important to renewal and reconciliation.

And for ourselves to heal from the hurt we need to offer forgiveness. It acknowledges that people behave hurtfully because they are flawed. Does punishment and animosity heal their flaws? Unlikely.

If they are not changing their behaviour, yes, remove yourself from harm's way, absolutely. However forgiveness can be done at a distance - so you don't wish them ill.

@HmmGrey