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Philosophy/religion

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Original poster

Can I walk into any church and light a candle ?

26 replies

TheOriginalNutty · 29/08/2021 22:43

I'm not religious in the slightest but I lost my dad suddenly on 10th June and I'm struggling.

We didn't have a funeral as my dad didn't want one and we wanted to respect his wishes. Try as I might nothing is making me feel like I've properly said goodbye, even though I was there when they were trying to save him and said goodbye before they took him away.

I've had a ring made with his ashes in and I have a rose planted in the garden with a plaque but nothing is quite getting things right in my head.

Sorry, what a load of waffle. Anyway is it ok to go into any church and light a candle ?

OP posts:
DameAlyson · 29/08/2021 22:56

If there are candles for lighting available in the church, anyone can light one.

I live in a cathedral city and our cathedral has tea light type candles available on a stand for anyone who wants to light one. I'm not religious but I sometimes go in and light one as a small act of remembrance. No-one has ever asked what I'm doing - although people are available if I wanted to speak to someone.

WeAreTheHeroes · 29/08/2021 22:59

Not every church will have candles available to light. C of E Cathedrals will. Where candles are available, no one will question you, you can simply light one using an already lit candle.

HotPenguin · 29/08/2021 22:59

Candles won't be in all churches, it's more a Catholic or cathedral thing, but in many churches you can write a request to pray for your father, and for you and other family. Sorry for your loss. There are also bereavement groups you can go to to talk about your loss if that might help?

Anordinarymum · 29/08/2021 23:00

Yes you can, but leave a donation to pay for it.

Original poster
TheOriginalNutty · 29/08/2021 23:03

Thank you all very much, that's a great help 💕

OP posts:
viques · 29/08/2021 23:06

Yes, I am non religious , but like the peace and beauty of churches and cathedrals so often visit them while travelling, we had a very dear family friend who was a devout RC. She has had candles lit for her in churches all over the place, I think she would like to know she was being remembered, and I take a moment to remember other people I have lost too. . There is usually a box for offerings / payments for the candles, but I am sure that if you are in financial need no one will mind if you light one anyway.

I am sorry to hear about your loss, be kind to yourself, grieving takes it out of you, it is a long hard process.

RosesAndHellebores · 29/08/2021 23:11

OP if you feel it would help to light a candle, perhaps it would help to contact the local vicar for support and to help with prayer.

Flowers
Essexgirlupnorth · 29/08/2021 23:15

If the church is open then you can go in and light a candle I have done after my miscarriages

Our church isn't usually open outside or services and things may be restricted because of covid so you might want to check in advance it is open.

Hellocatshome · 29/08/2021 23:19

Yes you can. You will need to find one that is open and has candles, go for bigger churches or a Minster or Cathedral.

Woulditbeworth · 29/08/2021 23:19

You can absolutely do this. I hope it brings you some comfort. Xx Flowers

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 29/08/2021 23:19

Go to a Catholic church and put 20p in the box for the candle
I light a candle for my parents and others I have lost Flowers

Hellocatshome · 29/08/2021 23:20

If you are near Birmingham there is the Memorial Arboretum which isn't a religious place but has candles to light in rememberance and is a nice peaceful place to walk around and reflect.

gogohm · 29/08/2021 23:20

Not all churches have candle stations, depends on denomination and the other factors, plus some haven't had them available due to covid but the vast majority of churches will be welcoming if you want to sit and reflect quietly even if they don't have candles, they also can add him to daily prayers. Cathedrals are usually open during the daytime, but for other churches check their website for opening hours

RacoonRocket · 29/08/2021 23:21

I'm sorry for your loss. It's unfortunate your dad didn't want a funeral, I think they are important for those left behind, to come to terms with the loss. Although I completely understand why you felt you had to respect his wishes.

If you're still not feeling right in the near future, might you be able to organise some kind of "memorial" event to remember your dad? It's not a funeral, so not against his wishes - but you, along with family and friends might all appreciate the opportunity to come together and remember him.

Regardless, I hope you begin to feel a little better soon.

Ferfecksackmammy · 29/08/2021 23:25

So sorry for your loss. As others have said nobody's going to question you if you want to light a candle. I hope it brings you some peace.

Original poster
TheOriginalNutty · 29/08/2021 23:26

@Hellocatshome I am in Birmingham actually so I'll look that up.

@RacoonRocket we have had two such things but weirdly non really bought me any comfort.

OP posts:
Woulditbeworth · 29/08/2021 23:26

Cruse.org.uk have a helpline and counsellors available online who may also be able to support you.

Go easy on yourself, it hasn’t been long at all and it sounds like you have already done some lovely things in remembrance of your Dad. x

Original poster
TheOriginalNutty · 29/08/2021 23:27

Thank you all for the replies. I will definitely go somewhere now to light a candle for him.

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 29/08/2021 23:32

OP, I'm sorry you are struggling with this.
Yes, you can light a candle in a church, wherever they are available (often a Catholic Church), but, you could also light a candle at home.
You could also create a special place for the candle if you want it at home, with a picture of your Dad if that would be comfortable for you?
Whatever you choose, I hope that time will help you to feel the pain less keenly than you do now. I lost my Dad over four years ago. I still miss him terribly. It's not an easy thing and I feel for you. Thanks

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/08/2021 23:59

So sorry for your loss. Yes of course you can. I do this frequently. I am an admittedly lapsed Catholic but still occasionally find comfort in church and value a few private moments thinking of those I have lost and lighting a candle or two in their name. Go ahead and do it Thanks

5zeds · 30/08/2021 00:08

This would be welcomed at a Catholic Church. There’s usually a little money box to pay for the candle itself. Light it, and sit and think about him. You could also light one at home perhaps in a window and do the same. I hope you find some peace, grief is so very hard.

alexdgr8 · 30/08/2021 00:11

try st martin in the bullring. nice vibe. and candles.
www.bullring.org/

all the best OP.

MrsPumpkinSeed · 30/08/2021 00:16

I know your dad didn't want a funeral but I am in Ireland and we have a funeral Mass and then another mass in memory of lost ones one month after their passing and an annual mass.
Could you organise a small mass or service? Not going against your father. But ehsdy can happen is that a mass is dedicated to your father - a usual mass that would happen - father would be an intention.

Kite22 · 30/08/2021 00:54

Many Churches aren't just left unlocked throughout the week, and only some Churches have candles to light - it is more of a 'High Church' thing, though has spread in recent years as many folk who don't normally go to Churches like to light a candle.
So local to you probably a Catholic Church, or one of the Cathedrals in the City Centre or St Martins in the Bullring would be your best bet.

Quite a few Churches have a service on All Saints Day - 1st November - (or sometimes the Sunday nearest) to remember all those who have died, if that might give you comfort ?

Icepinkeskimo · 30/08/2021 01:45

Firstly my deepest condolences to you and your loved ones.
Grief is like a tidal wave it crashes over us without warning and some days it's a real
struggle, to even feel 'normal'.
Off course you can walk into any larger church and light a candle, I found it quite therapeutic after my nephew passed away suddenly. So much so that whenever I felt the dark clouds gathering over me I'd return light another candle and have another chat with the big boss upstairs. I still have my dark days, but that little candle shining it's light in the church gave me hope, and it still does. X