no sex, very little emotional intimacy in the marriage... need a christian view point

[chipolata]

I wasn't sure if I should post this here, or under "relationships". Not to be cynical, but I don't know if there is any advice that is going to help, though I thought I'd at least ask.

I'm married to a good, kind Christian guy. We have one small child together. We don't really have sex anymore, maybe once or twice a year. This has been going on for several years.

The last time we had sex it was because my husband came home after having way too much to drink. At the time, I thought I probably shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but since then I'm really offended and annoyed. I have been trying for a long time to address the issue (and probably have made it worse), but now I just am exhausted and don't want to try, and don't even want sex with him now as I'm just done with the feelings of rejection.

I don't know if he really doesn't think it is that big of a problem, or is in denial, or what... It's not an impotency problem. All the plumbing works. The bigger problem than no sex, is that there is virtually no cuddling/touching ect. I can't remember the last time he kissed me. At this point, there isn't really much true emotional intimacy either. Though again, I have to stress he is a nice guy.

I'm slowly dying inside from this complete lack of intimacy. I have suggested marriage counselling, three times, he doesn't seem to think we need it. I think he is banking on the fact that I am a Christian, that I'll just get on with it, because that's what we do.....

I don't even know what my question is... I guess I was just hoping for some support and/or advice. I'm thinking about maybe seperating, but I don't know if this is foolish...

Are you involved in a church at all, chipolata?

I do think you're going to have to talk to your dh about it - tell him that you're considering thinking about separating over it. I understand that you feel rejected and really hurt, and that you're slowly dying inside makes me . Your dh doesn't sound happy either, and I think it would be a shame to do something drastic in response at this stage.

I am definitely no relationship expert chipolata but it really sounds like your marriage is not in a good place and if you feel like you are dying inside then something is really amiss. Bless you, it must be so painful. I am generally not one to get super spiritual about things, but really i believe that God intended marriage to be life-giving and the most powerful partnership going, and so if your dh thinks that just because you are both christians then you should just put up with it then he is sadly misled. As turtle said, your dh must have some issues, maybe he is too scared to address them? Do you think he really "hears" you when you tell him how you feel - DO you tell him how you feel or is that too hard when you feel so rejected?
Does he acknowledge there is any kind of problem?
Please keep talking to us if you feel you can, you are not on your own and honestly, i have known other marriages in complete meltdown be restored and healed over time, i think it is possible but obviously it takes 2 to tango. Anyway, you are not on your own, and i am sure some other wise birds will be along here soon to say some wiser things than i.. will be thinking of you x

Chipolata - just back to say I've got to go to bed. I'll come by tomorrow - so if you want to talk some more I'll be back. And there are others here anyway.

I have tried to talk to him, starting about four years ago. Most of the time it was like talking to a wall. I think now he knows at some level that my tenor has changed, and that he does understand it is a real problem (to me). Though if you ask him, he for the most part would say things are pretty good- he probably sees the main problem being that I'm upset with how things are.

Part of the problem is that I'm not such a great verbal communicator, so I think I probably brought up the topic many times in a weak and inneffective way so that he probably became 'immunised' against what I was saying. Though I did tell him a few months ago that is was getting to a point of real crisis (thus my three times suggesting the marital counselling). So I have tried talking about it. It actually seems to make things worse. If I ignore it, there is still the same problems but at least there isn't tension on top of it. But again, the tension between us isn't that there isn't sexual intimacy, it seems to be that I'm making an issue out of it.

I lost about 2 stone and tried to take up some interesting hobbies, thinking that might help things. I think he recognizes the effort, but it hasn't actually seemed to effected anything.

On one hand I think, well yeah, maybe it isn't a big deal. On the other hand, I think a lot of people consider sex to be the glue that keeps a marriage together. I've been in a place the last 18 months where I was really wanting to work on things and yearning for a physical relationship with my husband. I feel a bit as if that window is closing, I don't even care anymore. I'm guess I'm wondering if it makes sense to just accept this as the better arrangement for my 2 year old- or if since we don't have sex anyway- maybe we could be amicably seperated and do our best to cooperatively raise her together but seperately. The thing is that I know he loves me in his way and wouldn't want me to leave. I just don't see a way to fix this...

This is only a quick post, so don't expect too much sense, just felt I had to say SOMETHING.

DH and I went through a difficult time, although we didn't really acknowledge it as such, and still haven't.

I felt I was growing away from him and didn't really care much what happened between us anymore. What made the difference is that despite me not feeling much, I made the effort to be loving towards him, and to my surprise, he responded. It didn't come easy, or quickly. Now we have a loving relationship, and its like it came from nowhere.

Perhaps you're going through a bad patch... I found my DH didn't want to talk about it, its like he didn't to know if something was wrong. Maybe its a question of remembering what you first felt for each other, if that's still possible. Men aren't very good at talking it through, I can't talk anything through with mine!

Its worth a go...

bump for you chipolata

Have you read The 5 languages of love? I found that very helpful.

I'm really sorry to hear this, chipolata - agree with cheritongirl that marriage is meant to be life-giving, and a real blessing to us, and I'm really sorry that you are having such a hard time.

Funnily enough, my DH is preaching a sermon on sex and marriage for this weekend and we've been talking it over as he is working out what to say and how to say it.

From our experience of talking to people going through tricky times in their marriage is that because sex is a profoundly bonding thing on all levels - physical, emotional, etc, - lack of sex can be a real indication of the strength of your relationship, so I think you are right to be worried. And of course we all long for intimacy as you do.

The passage of the Bible that DH is preaching on is 1 Corinthians 7 where it specifically states in verses 3-5 that you mustn't deprive each other of sex! Does your husband know this?! So things aren't right, and I think you should keep trying to do something about it.

You certainly don't write like someone who has trouble communicating, so maybe something like the 5 Languages of Love would be helpful.

If he refuses to get counselling, how would you feel about going to a church member who you trust and talking about it to him or her? It doesn't have to be the minister of your church, although I know my DH would listen to you very sympathetically as he often hears stuff like this. They might be able to give you some guidance. Would your DH agree to go and talk to someone like that? You can always go to Relate on your own to talk things over if DH won't go.

Please don't give up though. I know it is easy to shut down and just become indifferent when you feel so badly rejected but I am convinced that many marriages can be restored if you are able to depend on God for the strength you need to keep trying. Although it is often really hard to keep believing, I'm convinced that God doesn't ask us to do anything hard without giving us the strength we need to carry it through. So although sorting this out will take a lots of effort and emotion from you, I can't believe that our loving God won't provide it for you.

I'm not sure what I have said is much help to you, but I guess the essence of what I want to say is 'Don't give up yet!'.

Sorry about the long post. Now, off to change the stinkiest nappy ever!

wow, thank you all for the encouragement. it has actually given me some perspective. I appreciate the help, and for your taking the time to respond. thanks

Can I recommend a very short, but very good book?

"What to do when you don't know what to do: Sex and Intimacy - God will make a way"

• Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend

published by Integrity.

It very small, almost pocket book sized. dh and I read through it together over a few nights after a bit of a barren patch and we talked and talked about things we'd not talked about before or much. The book doesn't give solutions, but the principles are very helpful.

Things are now very good between me and dh (no 3 is on the way ). We prayed a bit about the issue too, which felt strange at first being so honest and graphic with God, but we really experienced a peace between us and a new understanding of our very different needs.

hth

Great post, procrastinatingparent!

Thanks PT.

That book sounds interesting, boabsmum (were you bobsmum?) - must check it out. I guess it's too late now for DH to read it before Sunday's sermon!

Chipolata - hang in there. Will be praying for you both.

PP - yes I"m bobsmum, but went for a more Scottish-y "Boab" in honour of Scotland v Italy the other week. We lost, so I might change back now

how are you doing chipolata?

I hope this isn't too intimate a question but how was your sex life before it started to tail off? Because the fact that your DH wanted sex when he was drunk suggests that maybe he has a few issues that should be explored with a sex/relationship counsellor. Just a thought.

I also don't believe that God intended people to live in loveless/sexless marriages but I think it is important to try every avenue to save a marriage first. Your DH has that responsibility as much as you do - does he realise that?

It's a difficult problem, because you don't want to find yourself in the situation where sex happens only because he feels it's his duty. That would be awful. So I don't think putting pressure on him directly would be any help. You have to find some way of bringing yourself to his attention, and re-awakening his interest by making yourself more attractive. I'm not all that keen on the Trinny&Susannah stuff, but there might be something in the idea of changing your wardrobe. Have you let yourself go, clothes-wise? It's only one angle, I know, but even small things sometimes make a difference.

OTOH, it's always possible that he has a lower sex-drive than the average, and I don't know if you can do anything about that.

Hey Chipolata, just bumping to find out how you are...