Churchgoing with young children

[MissisBee]

At the times in your life when you've had young children (I'm talking babies to preschool age) how did your church-going change? Did you carry on as normal, bringing them with you, leave them at home? Attend much less frequently because you don't want to have to wrestle your toddler in the aisle?? Have you found it hard to fit church into family life when you're sleep deprived with a young baby? Does your church cater to children with family services, messy church etc?
Also, if you're a denomination that practises infant baptism, was there any expectation of a certain level of attendance as a condition of this?

We just took ours along. It helped that we joined our current church 17 years ago when ds1 was about three months old and one of the big draws was that there were loads of families there. I’ve wrestled toddlers in the aisle, fed babies (discreetly!) in the pews, fallen asleep during sermons when I was really sleep deprived. For us, churchgoing was part of our lives and we wanted it to be part of our children’s.

We’re CoE, but there was never any pressure to baptise, although we did. We are a minority though, most of our kids’ peers weren’t. As the CoE we have a duty to baptise children of the parish, whether they’re church members or not, so no expectation around attendance. I am just coming to the end of 9 years working for the church and have arranged many baptisms. The most we ask is that they attend one service so that they know what to expect.

They could be left in the creche from 6 months and provide Sunday school classes after 2.5yrs up to 16. If they want to stay in the service they can. My teens not keen on joining the others which is sn and anxiety based.

I’m CofE and chose a relaxed service with other families, kids running around in church during service was fine and there was a Sunday school attached alongside events such as messy church. It may be just about finding the right fit and trying a few places out to see what suits.
No pressure to baptise but we chose to, not everyone did though

DS has just turned two and hasn’t been in a year thanks to COVID. When things opened up last summer, DH and I took turns to stay at home with him. There was no crèche and, like most toddlers, he doesn’t do social distancing.

Our crèche is starting back today, but I’m unvaccinated as I’m first trimester pregnant, so I’m not going to risk it. DH will attend and I’ll watch the livestream. DH is going to suss the situation out when he’s there.

Usually, we’d all go to church, but one of us would stay in crèche with DS after the worship. Now he’s older, I doubt he’ll even make it that long without being a menace 😂

Oh, and we’re Baptist, so no infant baptism here, although we faced massive pressure from my in-laws to do it. It took a lot of explanation and patience on our part, especially when they were doing things like inviting us around for lunch and then their Anglican minister would just HAPPEN to be there, but DS still isn’t baptised. They are still going on about it, though!

Before corona- we went pretty much every week. We were sometimes visiting relatives, so went to a different CoE church near the other location those weeks. One church had a kids corner and emphasised wanting to keep kids in the service (even if they were noisy/ran about). They had a kids corner and playthings related to the service and kids worker there. Sometimes if a kid was v active/noisy we took them out for a few mins. The other one had some glass doors and area where you could see and hear what was happening (but noise from toddler a bit reduced). I used to breastfeed here. It also had Sunday school some weeks or a play area out the back - but couldn’t alway hear what was going on there. Some weeks neither me nor my husband knew that much what had happened during the sermon as we were chasing after the kids, but I guess it’s something we wanted to do. We chatted with people, snatched a few mins of prayer and that was fine for us. With corona, we have been going online - as we are a bit concerned that the kids running round wouldn’t respect social distancing and that there are a number of older people in the service. I suppose it really depends on how individual churches do it. I hope you find one that is relaxed and welcoming.

I took DD with me on a Sunday morning most weeks (Catholic church) once I was able to get there for 10am which I must admit took me a while The church has an area for small children with toys and books, and the slightly older ones (5+) can go for a children’s liturgy session for half an hour or so during mass.

The priest is always really clear about the fact he wants to see and hear children at church and not to worry if they make a noise or won’t sit down, because everyone is welcome there.

I’ve really missed it over the lockdown periods, Christmas especially felt like it was lacking something without going to the chaotic children’s service on Christmas Eve.

Oh, and no pressure either to baptise or to have a certain level of attendance before baptism. We had to attend a baptism preparation class before DD’s and I didn’t recognise any of the other families there as they were people who had family connections to the church (like they married there or their mum used to attend) rather than regular attendees.

My friend whose DC were baptised at the catholic cathedral did find them “strict” about a certain level of attendance so I think it can be hit and miss with the Catholic Church depending on the individual priest. It was the same with weddings.

We go to a family service and go most weeks. The service is welcoming of families which takes the pressure off as no disapproving stares from older members of the congregation are allowed! However it’s still hard to concentrate. But we prefer this to them going to a Sunday school. Nicer to all be together.

When I had my first child my church attendance increased. I wanted to raise him in the Catholic faith and for him to understand it and to feel part of our parish community. He is baptised, not sure if there was pressure because I really wanted him to be baptised. We went to an early mass at my local church - not family mass. Everyone was really lovely but it became increasingly difficult as he grew older and wanted to rifle through other parishioners bags, try out their hats, scarfs, walking aides or whatever and distract a couple of older kids who used to sit two rows behind us. Most weeks I couldn't concentrate on the sermon. Then I became too unwell for church for a short time, then covid happened and so we no longer go to church. My second child is urbanised. I would like to go back to church at some point in the future. I still want to raise my children to understand faith.

I’m expecting DC1 (anyday now!) and we plan on still going. It’s different at the moment as we’re still in zoom and I expect them to carry on with some kind of hybrid for some of this summer which will help us with the newborn days.

Our church is CofE and not really big enough for a Sunday school, there are a couple of families though and everyone’s very happy to have toddlers running around etc. They have 1 service each month which is especially casual and children are encouraged to take part in the service.

I have no idea if any of the other children had been baptised. I don’t think they’ll be any pressure, though I guess given we go every week people might be surprised if we don’t choose to baptise. It is a point for debate between me and DH though as we were raised in different types of churches.

Thank you. Good to hear different perspectives. I've been attending the same (CofI) church since I was born. I'm not the most prolific attender generally (probably twice a month at best). But I've a strong attachment to the church and feel I've a lifetime's commitment there.

When my son (now 4) was a baby, I took him about once a month. He was great, slept in the sling thankfully and we were usualy greeted with something like "it's great to see you". He was baptised as a baby. Once he got mobile, it was more difficult to bring him. Although everyone has always said children are welcome, like to hear the noise of children etc, it's an old church and a bit hazardous in places, so I stopped bringing him.

Then there was covid and I had a baby. We also have a new minister. Baby is (hopefully) being baptised next week. This is our third attempt - cancelled twice last autumn. At that stage, when church was open, I didn't feel comfortable bringing a newborn to church and the minister was fine with that. When church was online, I did a few readings. I also joined their alpha course online (invited by the minister as she couldn't run her "usual" baptism preparation"). Since church has reopened at Easter, I've been three times with the baby. I haven't brought my son - he's now 4, has some social/communication difficulties, doesn't sit still and gets unpredictability very upset by some music/singing. So, whilst I have happy memories of attending church as a young child, and would like that experience for my own children, I don't think it's right for him right now.
However, I've had several messages and phone calls from the minister, basically saying she expects us all at church in the lead up to the baptism. 3 times since Easter isn't good enough apparently. When I explained about my son, she didn't listen at all. Now, she does have a new family-orientated service, so we are going to try
(risk!) that today.

I get that churches are probably fed up with families who get the baby baptised, then are never seen again. But that is not my intention here. I don't feel invited or welcomed, I feel harangued and bullied. If I didn't have such a strong connection to the church, I'd cancel the baptism and go elsewhere. And maybe in time, I will go elsewhere.
Sorry, that was longer and more ranty than I intended!

I’m sorry to hear this. The Vicar does sound a bit pushy. I hope the family service was a good fit for you.

Thanks @autumnboys it went well (greatly helped by playdoh and crayons!)

I used to attend the early morning very traditional service which is my preferred form of worship - once babies came along I stopped this and started attending the family service. My church is incredibly welcoming to children - groups for different ages during the Sunday morning family service, messy church etc so I'm really lucky. I hope to go back to a more traditional service once the children are a bit older. I'm a bit torn as I want them to learn to sit and reflect quietly but I also want them to enjoy church!

So you have an autistic child who gets distressed by church and the vicar is insisting you take him or they won’t baptise your other child. Sounds a wonderful, set-up. God bless religion eh

I take my just turned 4 year old to church (C of E). They have a little room inside the church with a speaker which I used to use but now I tend to be in the main church with her. She does the children's church activity sheet then will look at a book/do pictures or a sticker book.

I leave my almost 2 year old at home with my partner (who is atheist). I am hoping I will be able to take my two year old in due course. It's too hard to take both at the moment.

Churches vary a lot. Whilst it's nice to be in a nice old church building it is the people that make the church. I would definitely go to a different church if I didn't feel welcome /or feel better having gone to church.

We go to a family service which is full of young kids. There was a phase where I was chasing a toddler up the aisle most weeks. Now she's 5, she can be trusted to sit without running off but usually brings a colouring book and pens and nobody seems to mind.

I also have an 18 month old too now but I usually leave her at home with DH. I was planning to get her baptised but like you it's been cancelled a couple of times due to covid. We may go ahead later in the year if restrictions are lifted - I've now decided that since we've waited this long we may as well wait until we can have a proper party. There's no expectation that we will get her baptised and I haven't noticed any requirements around attendance, or maybe I just haven't been asked since they know I attend anyway.

I feel a bit uneasy reading your latest update, it does sound a bit pushy to be honest. Are there any other churches you could try?

Glad the family service went well. The church doesn’t sound particularly welcoming though which is a real shame .

I took our children from when they were babies. Used to take with us a soft toy or 1 or 2 books if they were really small. Nothing noisy. When older, prayer books or religious story books geared to their ages, or a Children's Missal. If they got really disruptive or distressed, I took them outside till they calmed down. I would take them back in once they were quieter.