If I walked into your church.

[Devlesko]

I'm questioning my faith as I feel unwelcomed.
Having recently found out more about my heritage and ancestors I find the church treated us really badly.
We are very religious people yet we know so little.
Hardly any of us own a bible or consult it, but over 80% of us have biblical names.
Our children are Christened when able/ accepted.
We read banns. I did with dh before we got married.
We aren't associated with particular type but are 100% Protestant.
I'm christened Methodist.
Personally I like to visit the graves of my ancestors who are in many a small country graveyard.
The church hasn't been too kind to us in the past, and it came as a shock tbh.
What do you do when you question your faith? I'm not sure I dare walk into a church anymore.
Please no funnies about covid, I mean in better times.

I'm not quite sure what you are asking. I think everyone questions their faith sometimes, and most churches are fine with that and are there to help.
I am sorry if you have had a bad experience and can only suggest you try a more sympathetic church.

Are you asking bout the church as an institution or the local church? As a church in the liberal choral and floral tradition I would expect people to be questioning their faith most of the time. My church seems to be a place where people who have been wounded elsewhere come to rest and then move on. One chap was of traveller heritage, mixed race and with a colourful past but I had deeper conversations with him than with my professors.

Sometimes the quieter more traditional places can be space to heal. I hope you find somewhere.

What are you expecting?Thunderbolts from on high? Hissings from the pulpit? Surely you just go in - sit down - and any crisis of faith is your own business?

Many many people are 'unschooled' in Christianity. People tend to learn more week by week over a lifetime of churchgoing, rather than study it on their own. If you walked in to my local church, people wouldn't expect you to know any thing in particular. Over a period of time, you'd be invited to join in groups and courses where we explore our understanding of different parts of faith. We might do a course on 'prayer', for example, and you'd hear all the different ways people think about prayer and what we each understand about prayer. We tend to find we all see things differently, and learn a bit from each other.

You'd be welcomed as an individual if you came to my church, and invited to join in with whatever was going on. It's possible over time you'd find out that some of your core beliefs don't match the rest of the congregations, and you might decide to find somewhere more suited to you. It would be your choice though. We've had people stay a few months then move on because we don't preach against homosexuality, or insist people tithe.

People do often try several churches, sometimes having bad experiences at them, before finding one that shares their understanding of faith- that's perfectly normal. If I moved to a new area, I'd talk to people about the churches and start visiting one that reflects my faith- one which is inclusive, focussed on social justice and community service. Other people may look for a church that has sung evensong and incense. I would avoid churches that talked about 'headship' or sanctity of marriage- they tend toward being sexist and homophobic, in my opinion. I have friends who would seek out a church like that.

I know, I thought someone would have some words of wisdom how they overcome questioning their faith.
Also to ask if as a stranger I'd be welcomed into your church for just one visit, as I'd not be from your area.
I'm a Romany traveller and we get such a bad press.
I want to visit the graves of my ancestors, we heal this way.
I'd bring my tools and make them look nice.
I can't say exactly where, but definitely Kent area, North Wales, Shropshire, Derbyshire.
Wherever there are little villages with church yards.
Obviously, I'm not talking about during covid, nobody could just expect to turn up

You'd be welcome in CofE/Anglican churches. It's usual to go to the local church when you're on holiday, for example. It's not only for people who want to join the congregation and come every week.

That said, there may be a bit of 'subtle' sounding you out to see where you live and whether you'll keep coming- it isn't a judgement, just people trying to work out how to welcome you. My church is small, in a small area, so when someone comes we sort of want to know where they live, who they are visiting, whether they'll come again... we have some people who come every Christmas because they visit family in our village, for example.

I can't promise you'd never hear a challenging comment- we have unconscious bias, like everyone else. Some members are more up to date with sensitivity than others. There'd be no deliberate ill will, though. Just a splattering of ignorance.

If you wanted to guarantee a welcome, message someone at the church first and explain you'd like to tidy graves of ancestors and pop in for a service or two. Church warden or clergy would usually cover you.

You may want to check out the rules on each graveyard- ours are quite strict because it's a conservation area. No colour, grey stones only etc. People do love to put little fences up and do gravel and stuff. Strictly speaking they aren't allowed, but we tend to look the other way. People need to do things like that to grieve, sometimes.

What has the church done to you, Devlesko?

I've sometimes encountered people who have been hurt by a particular church but they never say why. It isn't actually the church as such but some members of the congregation. Which is shameful in my opinion.

Surely nobody would object to you visiting a graveyard.

@Maggiesfarm

What has the church done to you, Devlesko?

I've sometimes encountered people who have been hurt by a particular church but they never say why. It isn't actually the church as such but some members of the congregation. Which is shameful in my opinion.

Surely nobody would object to you visiting a graveyard.

Oh, it's very historical. I was just surprised. I wonder how the Church of England could be so brutal like the politicians. Had always been led to believe the church was and had been our sactuary. Now I find they were the opposite and helped government in some awful attrocities. Now, I ponder why we are such a religious race.

I want to visit the graves of my ancestors, we heal this way.
I'd bring my tools and make them look nice.

My worry with going to random churches and doing this would be not knowing whether someone else is tending to those graves regularly - without knowing the locals or asking around, it's going to be difficult to know whether you're treading on another relative's toes.

I'm sure in most cases you wouldn't be, but I'd be wary of rocking up to random graveyards and changing graves when you don't know who else is invested in them.

@LonginesPrime

I want to visit the graves of my ancestors, we heal this way. I'd bring my tools and make them look nice.

My worry with going to random churches and doing this would be not knowing whether someone else is tending to those graves regularly - without knowing the locals or asking around, it's going to be difficult to know whether you're treading on another relative's toes.

I'm sure in most cases you wouldn't be, but I'd be wary of rocking up to random graveyards and changing graves when you don't know who else is invested in them.

That's not a problem for us, and these are very old graves, no doubt will have to check they are all still there. Doubtful anyone else other than descendants, it's a bit weird to explain. My main concern would be attending the church for a service, which is important to me. We are subtle and nothing gaudy let alone sensitive or obscene. Just wild flower posies, heather, no ornamentation. Maybe trim the grass, with permission. clean the stone. Then take photo's to send to other family and descendants.

I used to belong to a church with acres and acres of open churchyard. There were traveller graves that were well kept as well as some WW2 graves that weren't. We were always happy if people tended graves as that was less for us to do. It was a large church so we had people we didn't know most weeks. If people,wanted to sit at the back that was fine and if they wanted to stay for coffee afterwards and sign up for committees that was fine as well. We did have some very good welcomers though. It is harder to be anonymous in smaller churches. A lovely lady came last week who said she was visiting her family. We get quite a few of those.

As a priest I would say that questioning faith is completely normal. The older we get and the more rubbish life throws at us the more we ask questions. Finding a church for this stage is harder. Look out for churches with older people who have there, done it, failed, shouted at God, picked themselves up, and tried to make sense of it.

I understand now, Devlesko.

Looking through history, established churches were very unfair to some sections of society and to some people in particular.

The children of unmarried mothers could not be baptised or buried in consecrated ground if they died (I'm sure there were some vicars who didn't go along with that and did it anyway, but it was a CofE rule).

Unmarried mothers couldn't be in the Mothers' Union.

West Indian immigrants from 1950s were made to feel unwelcome in church by congregations, supported by the clergy. Who could blame them for setting up their own churches.

If you read about the treatment meted out to Sir Sretse Karma and Ruth Williams when they wanted to marry, by the CofE (who are obliged to marry any parishioner), it's almost unbelievable.

There must be countless other examples.

Intolerance and fighting between different denominations was rife at one time (still is in some places).

Times have changed, clergy have become enlightened, churches are more inclusive, prejudice is frowned upon.

I believe that what you want to do is a lovely thing and there would be no objection. Just ask.

I was basically ignored by everyone in my baptist church for 6 years. I wanted to make friends desperately, I was a single mum and I dont think they approved. I used to go home and cry. I lost my faith completely and have been a pagan ever since. The pagan community is warm and welcoming.

Thank you very much, I suppose I knew the answer, but confidence goes a little when ch4 and 5 are around.
You wonder how far it goes.
I can't wait to see these little churges, their graveyards and the history of the village.
It fascinates me.

Churches

"Just wild flower posies, heather, no ornamentation.
Maybe trim the grass, with permission. clean the stone.
Then take photo's to send to other family and descendants."

That sounds really lovely.

I'm sorry for the historic abuses of the church. For too many generations it was an arm of the establishment. Quite the opposite of Jesus.

I think- and hope- that is less the case now.

I hope you find a good welcome on your travels.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I was basically ignored by everyone in my baptist church for 6 years. I wanted to make friends desperately, I was a single mum and I dont think they approved. I used to go home and cry. I lost my faith completely and have been a pagan ever since. The pagan community is warm and welcoming.

That is such a shame. Some people can be terrible, and some parts of particular faiths. If that's the right terminology. I don't think all churches are like this. My old Methodist church welcomed me straight away. We married on the Saturday, ds1 was Christened on the Sunday and his first birthday was the Monday. The vicar said, wow that was quick when we arrived on the Sunday. When I'd chosen the hymns, one because my mam had it when she got married. "lead me heavenly father, leead me.... The same vicar said "I'm glad you can see what you are letting yourself in for" Dh was just doubled up, not expecting such a dry humour.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I was basically ignored by everyone in my baptist church for 6 years. I wanted to make friends desperately, I was a single mum and I dont think they approved. I used to go home and cry. I lost my faith completely and have been a pagan ever since. The pagan community is warm and welcoming.

That is heartbreaking, Shehasdiamond, so unChristian! It is certainly not an attitude I have come across in Christianity, in recent years. I am very sorry you had that experience. May I ask how long ago it was?

When you have grown up to listen to sermons attend sunday school and sing all those beautiful hymns it's hard to think that people could be so nasty.
I know what it's like, a traveller thread has just started and been deleted, they don't usually make 2 pages.
Hated, and vilified.
I don't want to lose my faith.
See you at church, I'll be the one sitting at the back with a paper bag over my head.

I'll be more aware of people like you popping in, when we finally get to open up. Good luck!

Aw, thank you, that's very kind.