Moving on from abusive church experience

[withgraceinmyheart]

Hi, I've posted here before (but not given much detail) about a horrible experience in church that I'm trying to move past.

I'm just looking for some hope really. It's been 5 years since I started to understand that the situation I was in was unhealthy, and nearly 3 since I left. I still worry about it most days, and I cry about it a couple of times a week.

Is that normal? I'm worried I'll never get over it. All my life I've wanted to be a part of church and now I'm scared I won't ever be able to again.

I've thought about relocating to get away from the reminders and not have to worry about running into people. There's a particular model of car that every time I see it I get panicked in case it's the person I know who has that car. Would that be running away from my problems though? I know a lot of people here and have good support. I'd be pretty isolated anywhere else I moved.

It's so crushing, I feel like I'm living a shadow of a life.

As a church leader I wanted to say that I'm sorry that you have had such a bad experience in church. If this is a safeguarding issue I hope that it was reported and that appropriate action was taken. In terms of recovery it sounds like you are stuck somehow so I would encourage you to speak to a therapist who is a specialist in the area that your trauma is in. I would add the caveat that I'm not a therapist and your timeline may be appropriate which is why specialist help may be appropriate.

I can't tell you what is normal. I'm very sorry for your experience. Well done on recognising the abuse and moving away from it- that must have taken huge strength.

Are you being supported anywhere?
I agree with everything Tea said, as well.

Thank you both. I had a lot of a therapy at the time, that's how I was able to see it and move on. I tried to report it as a safeguarding issue but I wasn't listened to and ended up being ostracised as a result. The safe guarding lead didn't even let me say the name of the person, even though it was obvious she knew who I was talking about.

That's what I can't get over, that the people who I thought loved me, that I considered family have all cut me off because of something I know in my heart wasn't my fault. My kids lost the friends I thought they'd grow up alongside, and they still ask when they can see them again. I don't know how I can go somewhere else and try again after that.

I've got good friends from other places and a supportive partner who knows it wasn't my fault.

Maybe some more therapy would be helpful. I think I just need the pandemic to be over (don't we all) because it's pretty difficult to move forward into new things right now!

I think you are right that the pandemic has given lots of us either time or a different context to look back at the past or look forward to a different future. It may be that more therapy would help with the sense of what sounds like betrayal, that you thought one thing and it turned out that wasn't true.

It may be that going down the safeguarding route again may help although it is likely you are going to need support as you do this. If and when you are ready it is worth knowing that all the mainstream churches will have national or regional safeguarding departments which you can approach without the local church's hierarchy and personalities getting in the way. For the C of E and RC you would google the name of the Diocese plus safeguarding and that will give you the email and phone number. For the mainstream non conformist churches such as the Baptist's, Methodists and URC there will be something on their websites. If this was an independent church or one of the non mainstream churches such as the JW then it is outside my experience but google may be your friend.

Once again I'm sorry that you have been through this and I hope you find the support you need.

To your original question- I think the long standing abusive situation and the loss of your 'church family' is a particularly impactful one. It isn't unreasonable to need a long time to recover from such a big loss, and big betrayal.
Add Covid in to the mix, which is unsettling most people and adding stress as well as removing you from normal distractions.

It's ok to still struggle, and it doesn't mean you won't feel better in the future.

Mostly thank you, it really does mean a lot to have a church leader reply. They're non mainstream. They do have a hierarchy but the man and his wife are involved with that and supervise other church leaders in the network so there's no way it wouldn't be political and I imagine I'd experience a lot more trouble if I went down that route. I did ring the number to see if there was anyone I could speak to informally but they just gave me an email address and I didn't feel ok about writing anything down.

Pickle thank you, I think you're right in what you say. The therapist I was seeing said the same, that it was a big deal and would take a while to get over. I think it's ok for me to still be struggling.

Depending on your particular beliefs, it might be helpful to make a fresh start in a more mainstream church of a different denomination, where safeguarding procedures are more robust and structured.
You could, once the pandemic is over and churches are fully open again, sit in for a service at several different churches and see if you feel comfortable, safe and welcome in any of them.

I happened to read two articles today which discuss abusive men in the church. I found them helpful. I'll pop the links here.

www.wetoo.org/ravi/

tanyamarlow.com/5-stupid-things-christians-say-sexual-abusers/

Thanks pickle that looks like a good read

Babcock yes I've come to the same conclusion myself. Mainstream churches seem safer.

Thanks for all the support, I'm feeling much better this week. It definitely helped to write about it on here and be reminded again how serious it was. I think it's ok to still struggle with it sometimes.

I had a bad experience with a church a number of years ago. Afterwards, I did what Babdoc has suggested and went to a few different mainstream churches. I felt a pull to get closer to God but not to be in a church family so would turn up a minute before the service started and leave immediately afterwards before tea and coffee. One good thing about the covid restrictions is that you could try out a couple of churches virtually, while still keeping a bit of distance and doing things at your pace and where you feel in control.

Good luck, OP. I hope you find a safe haven in a new church with a nice welcoming congregation and supportive minister.
Don’t be afraid to “shop around” - even within a denomination, churches vary a lot, from very traditional to very trendy happy clappy, and some may have a largely elderly congregation while others are mainly young families. Ministers too, can range from severe retribution/hellfire types to others who radiate God’s love to all!
I have been fortunate in having some absolutely wonderful ministers, ranging from a lesbian military chaplain to a caring grandfather, and their congregations loved them to bits. Best wishes for your journey of exploration.

If you were assaulted or abused and it wasn’t dealt with appropriately, you can always contact the police. Things shouldn’t be hidden to save face and I’m sorry you’ve been treated so badly.

Hi,

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I wanted to let you know that (very sadly) you are not alone. I was abused in church. Years ago now but only faced it with help quite recently. If I see someone who looks remotely like my abuser I feel a surge of panic...even on TV where it couldn't possibly be him.

I'm also struggling with Church in general...nothing abusive in this case just a "death by a thousand cuts" scenario. The Church I have just left basically isn't a nice place. I totally get the sense of betrayal and disappointment.

I'm on the same journey as you and all I know is that God is not pleased with this stuff either and he has never left me. I spend a lot of time just processing it all in prayer, He doesn't tyre of me.

Just wanted to send a hand hold xx

Or "Tire" sorry xx

@withgraceinmyheart
So sorry to hear you’ve had a negative experience.

I would suggest seeking God for healing. Are you still practicing your faith, reading and praying? God came for me last year and I’d been a mess for a long time. He’s completely transformed my life. The answer you needed but didn’t receive: you need Jesus!

You poor thing. 💐🌹

You sound traumatised - unsurprisingly. As your therapist said, it is a big deal, on so many levels.

Take heart, so many of us have been mashed up by the church, in one way or another, and lived to tell the tale. There are some seriously worrying people in some churches. Which is heartbreaking...

I hope you get some justice re the safeguarding issue 💐