When one of you has faith and one doesn't ... 1st holy communion

[elfsmum]

I knew when I married DH that he didn't have faith, on a scale of 1-7 where 7 is a complete athiest and no belief in anything, he places himself on a 6.

That said he has always respected my faith, and we had a full nuptual mass when we married, (yes this was discussed with the priest beforehand and he still married us !) both DS are baptised catholic, and now both attend a catholic school.

DS1 is preparing for his 1st holy communion, DH thinks it's a load of rubbish and we are brain washing him, ie a child isn't born with faith.

DH isn't going to stop this, but he isn't exactly supporting it either - he doesn't come to the parents meetings, I go on my own, he won't come to family mass on Sunday when DS lights his baptismal candle, and I think it's important for us to go as a family, with DS2, as it is such a special time, and this mass is for the children making their communion

I've posted on another thread about my whole take on the catholic church, so I understand what my DH is saying and don't object to him having his point of view.

and I have no objection to him sharing this with both DS as i do think faith is a very personal issue and it will be up to DS's to make their own choices

so I suppose i debating with myself whether we share these views with him now or not

I am in the same situation as you, but in reverse - ie I am a 6 and DH is definitely a 1. But we had the full nuptual, DS is christened etc and goes to Mass sometimes (he's only 18m so a bit tricky at the moment!)

We have agreed about our DS that he will be raised Catholic, but that if he chooses later on in life not to continue with the religion, or to choose another one, he must be allowed to do that.

I think that by the age of 7, your DS1 is able to make his own decisions. I know I told my mother when I was 6 that I didn't believe in God and that has never changed. So if he wants to take his holy communion, he should be allowed to. He's obviously been exposed to your DH's point of view, so how can you be said to be brainwashing him, anymore than your DH is.

I think it's very sad that your DH can't bring himself to join you at the parents' meetings and the family mass. Your DS must be quite hurt. Could you encourage your DH to go purely to support his son, even if he doesn't agree with his decision?

the parents meeting isn't such a big issue as DH stays at home and looks after the two DS's.

he did come to the first mass, and afterwards said he didn't want to go again as he really doesn't agree with it.

I've asked if he'll come but he can stand at the back but it's important for him to be there, and that's where we are atm.

it seems to have raised it's head more so now than before, not just the 1st communion, but there have been 4 boys killed locally (all in the news) we're in merseyside. My DS's are asking what's happened now they're dead, and I'm explaining about heaven, how the spirit lives on etc etc DH thinks I'm going to far, but I don't know how else to explain it as I do believe

I've never really noticed how far apart we are on faith until now, not that's not true, I've known, but it's never lead to us having a disagreement over it before now

In similar position to OP, but c/e. I took DS2 for all preps for first communion, at the last one, parents were invited to come along, and dh did, as support to ds2, rather than belief in what we were doing. It was a full on session, looking at representations of Christ in art, and talking about which ones we responded to, which dh joined in with admirably !

And on the day of First communion, he was there, and hosted drinks food etc after the service, again as part of family life, rather than really believing in the occassion, in the way I did.

I guess I sold it to him as needing to be there to support us both, which he was really happy to do, along with all the gps.

But that's your belief and he knows that, so if you told DS something else you'd be lying.

It's a difficult situation. As I said, I'm not a believer but I have no problem with DH being one, and if DS ends up a priest it won't bother me!

I wonder why it upsets your DH so much that your DS believes as well?

My DH (non-believer) didn't get involved until the actual day, then he was quite happy to attend the service and take photos etc.

He has his own views, so long as he doesn't "diss" my views in front of the children, then that's fine.

I think its great for you that your husband is allowing his sons to be raised in a religion he holds no truck with.

He must love you a lot!

Don't put any pressure on him and be grateful that he is not forcing his opinions on your boys.

May be your son will be able to change his mind when he's a priest!

Just re-read this elfsmum. I wouldn't share your DH's views with your son just yet, but I'd certainly give some consideration to what you will say when your DS asks questions (if he hasn't already) about why "we" go to church and daddy doesn't.

My DC are 8 and 6. DD made her first communion (in the C of E, but I used to be RC, so share that feeling of how important it is) at Easter.

And serin, I agree with you about the love thing. DH loves me very much, and I love him for loving me so much that he puts aside his own opinion because my beliefs are so important to me.

It helps when it gets hard because he doesn't believe.

Can he be persuaded to be there in just a fatherly role supporting his son in something he wishes to do which isn't harmful, rather than looking on it as a religious thing? It would be an especially good lesson for him to teach his son (even if you don't tell your son now) in that even if one doesn't agree with something someone does if it's not harmful then one can still support a loved one.

As for the brainwashing. I wish I'd been "brainwashed" when I was younger instead of feeling in the wilderness for years.

My husband was raised Episcopal but lapsed and now he's enjoying being back in church. He thinks it's much more scary to believe there is nothing after death than heaven.

I asked again last night if he would come, he's now arranged to do work for a friend over the weekend, which he has said he won't be able to go as he's working.

I said can't you just come to support DS1 in what he's doing, his reply is that it isn't about supporting DS1.

he's also told DS1 that lots of children just make their communion to get the money/presents that people give - feel really quite

feel we really have reached an impasse on this.

I hope and pray this weekend goes well for you, despite your DH not being there. Is he going to come on the actual day?

It IS important for you to share your beliefs with your DS, and you know its not about the gifts (and when you see some of the gifts you KNOW its not about the gifts ).

I think you will have to tread carefully so that you don't alienate your DH altogether. When DH and I got married, I wasn't going to church at all, so its been a bigger step for him. Your DH did know what he was marrying into, it just sounds like he's got a bee in his bonnet about it all atm.

Praying it all works out for you.

thanks for your prayers Mary (couldn't extend them to our house being sold could you )

I left well alone, and last night we were talking through our plans for the weekend, and he dropped in and we have church on Sunday, so he is going to come

he will stay at the back with our younger DS who seems to need the loo at least 4 times every mass

and yes he will be there on the day, then he can revert to his ways until DS2 makes his

I read this and my heart went out to you as this was exactly my situation last year ! I found it really hard to talk about as all my RL friends were both catholics or laid back about it - it only seemed to be my DH that was so unsupportive! It was very tough and my DH refused to come to any of the special Masses when my DC was doing a reading,lighting her candle or anything. However I begged him to come on her actual day to support her and me and he did ! He even went up at Communion for a blessing which meant alot to me to be all there as a family. The compromise for me was to downscale the party/celebration afterwards as he did not want to have a family celebration for something he didn't really agree with. Does your DH get on with any of the other parents ? Maybe you could ask them to talk to him ? I think that if he can he should agree to keep quiet when you are sharing your faith with your DC so he doesn't undermine you - there is plenty of time to debate when they are older. Good luck and thinking of you !

there will be no way he would go for a blessing, maybe if I put him in a straight jacket and wheeled him up silence of the lambs style

I don't want a party for DS, we've agreed on a small family celebration, just very close family and friends at home, and a trip to disneyland paris for us all to celebrate

DH does get on with the other parents, but it would be no use them talking to him, very close friends of ours whose children are the same age etc who DH grew up with have talked to him, one of whom has converted and practices Jehovah Witness, now that was an interesting time listening to those conversations with our friend at a -10 on that scale !

He doesn't have faith and I respect that, but he should be supporting me and DS's in our faith - which he is now, so all happy

That's good news. And as for your house selling, I think you have to bury St Joseph in the back garden, see below:

www.totallycatholic.com/Stjoekits.htm

I know how stressful it is selling a house, so my sympathies (and prayers) are with you