Explaining death and what happens afterwards to a 5yo - any advise please?

[Hulababy]

5yo DD's great grandma died yesterday morning. She was very ill, following a bad stroke in the summer. DD knew that she was ill and never going to get better. And she hadn't seen her since the summer - there was no benefit to either party.

Grandma died yesterday. We told DD in the afternoon. She cried, said it wasn't fair, said she would miss her and nnot like not seeing her, etc. She herself said that she'd be in Heaven now. And she seems fine about it all on the whole.

However, she does keep asking me questions I am not sure the answers to though - how did Grandma get to Heaven, what is Heaven like, how do they fit all the people in Heaven, etc.

DD goes to a CofE shool so she knows about God, Jesus and Heaven, etc. They do prayers daily, hymns and classwork based around religious stories, etc.

Dh and I are rather lapsed somewhat, although not non-believers.

I don't know DD's answers. So, please if any of you can help me in this area I would be very grateful. Thanks.

So sorry to hear about your grandma . I must admit I keep it all rather vague with my dd, she gets the heaven bit but quite often I answer that I don't know or i'm not sure. This seems to work with my dd.

She's not falling for I am not sure though. She just asked if I can find out.

Hula, this is a difficult one! I remember when my Grandad died by Mum explaining that his body stayed here on earth, but his soul had gone up to heaven. This sounds like a really difficult concept for a young child but i did have some understanding, thought a soul was a bit like a ghost version of my Grandad! I just imagined that the soul kind of floated up to heaven by itself!

You could say that nobody really knows what heaven is like but that it is a very peaceful place and its very big so certainly room for everyone!

Another approach is to turn it round and ask dd what she thinks heaven is like etc, you may be surprised at her answers!

Good luck though

Oh, just read you next post....................

Sorry for your loss

Search for Twiglett's glove story (I think it was Twig).

oh, I think it doesn't deal with heaven, but it's a lovely story all the same.

oh dear!I have explained to dd that heaven is a big beautiful place where everyone can go, once there it is so wonderful that they don't come back. I recently told her about a persons soul, when she asked me about burials [after seeing something ont v] and she sort of understood. I told her its up in the sky and she assumed there was a plane, at this point I didn't commit either way.

Maybe a cruse website could help you with some answers?

Had forgotten the hand and glove story. Had tried to talk about the soul and the bodt bit - if and when she next acts I will remember the glove anonology. Thanks for reminding me.

I did ask DD what she thought Heavven was like. It actually was very sweet and helped her to feel better yesterday.

Thanks for helping me get things straight in my head for tackling this if/when it crops up again, which I am sure it will.

Thanks all.

Thought about this more, following DD's comments to me yesterday about why we couldn't send a card to her great grandma (as we were doing for grandad).

So, after school and swimming tonight DD said her own goodbye in her own way.

It was nice for me too as we can't attend the funeral, although our thoughts will obviously be with them. DH has said his own goobyes, as had I, when she was ill in the hospice.

So, I bought a pink heart helium ballon. DD wrote her little message on some paper, attached to the balloon. We the read The Dragonfly story together, and we said goodbye, we love you and we miss you - just like DD had suggested, the message was then released and left to float up into the sky to her great grandma.

DD seems very satisfied by being able to say her goodbye.

That's nice hulababy - just shows how much everyone needs their rituals - of whatever age. Glad you and dd could do that together.

There is a lovely story about waterbugs and dragon flies. I found it recently for a friend, having googled it and now can't remember who wrote it. However, it is quite well known. It comes up under the heading of "explaining death to a child", when you google waterbugs dragonflies.

HTH

Sounds like you did it beautifully.

We don't really do heaven here, but when we explained death to ds (4) we explained that x had stopped living in his body and there was no person there anymore. When he said where has x gone, we asked if he could picture him in his mind and he said he could, so we said there was a little bit of x in every memory of him that ds and anyone else had and if ds needed to say goodbye, he could picture x in his mind and talk to him.

So sorry hula

I can't really help because TBH the older I get the more extraodinary and overwhelming the whole life and death thing becomes. I'm more confused by it than I ever was as a child.

gone to a better place

We've had a lot of similar questions since our pet died (why is the spirit invisible, why doesn't the fur go to heaven, will it get wet if it rains, why did it die etc etc). Goodbye Mog was a nice way of talking about the spirit, and we've also said that we won't know exactly what heaven is like until its our turn to go there, which she seems to accept.

This has gone on (intermittently) for months with us so you may find that questions crop up for quite a while. She has to stop at most of the headstones in the churchyard and ask us the person's name...

After the initial sadness though, she seems fine, but interested in the subject!

Thanks all.

Yes, it does seem to have made her interested in the whole general subject.

And yes, know what you mean - it confuses me far more than DD.

I hope this helps, I've seen it recommended:

waterbugs and dragonflies

Thanks. That is the story I read with DD, before she released her balloon.

Sorry, hadn't picked up on the fact you'd found the story...

My children never met my dad, but his grave is planted with flowers, and I take my mum up sometimes to water it, with the children in tow. The children call it "grandad's garden".