dc and church on zoom

[elliejjtiny]

Our church doesn't do zoom on a sunday (we have a prayer meeting on a midweek evening but I don't go to that as putting dc to bed). Most of the people from our church go to the church we are the church plant from (not sure what we should call them, the parent church maybe?) on zoom.

I decided to give it a go at the zoom church today with dc's aged 9, 7 and 6. 7 year old and 6 year old both have learning difficulties and 6 year old is also autistic. They are developmentally around 4 and 3 years old. Normally they are really good in church services and get on with some colouring with the occasional death stare from me if they start arguing. So I thought it would be similar on zoom.

So I set them up with some colouring and logged on. 9 year old was mostly fine but younger 2 were both really full on. Coming up to the camera and waving, shoving each other out of shot etc. We were on mute thank goodness but it was still really embarrassing when all the other children were just sat nicely on their parents laps. Someone from our church phoned us later on and said my dc were really distracting other people from the service. I said I wouldn't come next week and they said I should come but I should get my dc to behave better like the other children do.

I rang my mum in tears afterwards and she said at her church children don't go to services on zoom, parents take it in turns to go to the service or look after the dc in another room. She said zoom is not dc friendly and we should just not take them to a zoom service.

So I was just wondering what you do with your dc during a zoom service? I don't think it helps that we do other things on zoom that are much more interactive like show and tell with school, chatting with their Gran and the special needs support group. I don't think they understand that on church zoom they are meant to sit and either listen or do colouring like they do at church and it's not like the other zoom meetings we do.

Can't you do it without video? Then you can observe the service but no one can see you?

Thankyou. Sorry to be really daft but i didn't realise that was an option.

Are they still holding the prayer meetings on zoom? That may be a different option for you to do if there is someone else at home to put DC to bed then the other could do the Sunday service.

Wow I thought church people were meant to be encouraging to all and tolerant? I honestly don’t think it’s you that has the problem. “Let the children come to me” rings a bell? Could the person you “distracted” not have switched to speaker view, as you were muted. They didn’t have to watch you.

I'm sorry, this sounds really upsetting!

What happened to "let the little children come to me"? Your friend sounds mean and judgemental.

I would want my children to be welcome to be themselves. If not, it's not the church for us.

My children are older than yours and are NT, but I wouldn’t dream of making them sit through a Zoom service. And as for the person phoning you to complain, how dare they. I am utterly outraged on your behalf.
Our church are doing live streamed services with Zoom ‘coffee time’ afterwards. Maybe you could ‘visit’ another church each Sunday morning? Then you could watch the service and the Dc could watch a bit if they want and then do their own thing if they need to.

Doesn’t sound very “Christian” to me.

That person sounds ignorant. My teen daughter has better understanding/tolerance when her college teacher gets pestered by a very demanding child during classes.

Ours are on you tube only which I am thankful for! We do have various adult church groups via zoom. I think turning your video off would be the best option.

Quite shocked that someone rang you to say your children are distracting. My youngest is definitely not well behaved in our church Zoom meeting (and can be in actual church meetings despite our best efforts) and nobody has ever commented. Lots of them have been there and remember having younger children. Often my DD runs off and plays in another room after waving her teddy bear around at people on screen for a couple of moments. But you could turn off your video as a previous poster suggested. Sorry they aren't being more tolerant though

They should definitely not be criticising your children after the zoom meeting and be open to kids finding it all very strange and difficult etc.
But there is definitely an option to turn off video.. So if you wanted you could just listen in... You would see the church service but no one else could see you.

You should be able to check the box so it doesn't connect your video when you are at the join meeting window

Am shocked and saddened that someone was so rude as to phone you and talk to you like that
BUT - like others,
I wouldn't have tried "taking" my dc to a zoom service at that age - even without the additional needs. There's no way they would have coped.
I'd have just switched my camera off and listened in, without others at the service being distracted by the children either aurally or verbally.

One of he Churches I go to has a lot of younger dc than yours, and usually one parents comes to the serivce and the other looks after the dc. They will often 'listen' but not have their camera on and obviously be muted. Then at the end, we "have coffee" and all the dc come and wave at each other excpet the ones having strops and those that don't want to co-operate with this strange thing their parents are doing.

A quick call to the vicar to say that you were called about your children being distracted and how hurtful it was. Let them deal with it as it is right out of order. My congregation have to put up with cats all over me when I'm on zoom and they have all seen far more of a cat's bottom than they will ever want to see.

I have loved the button that allows me to turn off the video. I've got all sorts of other work done whilst listening to whatever webinar or meeting I'm meant to be on.

Yes I would contact the vicar because this person was well out of order and probably not reflective of the rest of the people who were there. Some people get grumpy about children in church, zoom or not :( All should be welcome and included. It's a good idea to attend but on mute and off video then it takes any stress off you.

Our church do livestreams on FB live which work really well as people join in in the comments but it doesn't invade anyone's home - we have zoom coffee afterwards for those that want to come to that. We also provide activities for the children and try and engage them in the service too with various stuff - stories, puppets, crazy tiktok videos etc.

Sorry this happened to you.

I love that your cats help you lead services, mostly. :)

I'm so sorry that this has happened: calling you was incredibly hurtful and to me feels both un-Christian and seriously lacking in understanding. For us, an unintended positive of lockdown (there had to be one...) is the freedom to attend Zoom church for churches other than our own. Hard to find the time to research I know but perhaps this could be the beginning of you finding a church with a great congregation who values your lovely dc as they are?

I agree that you should speak to your minister. Hopefully they will be able to set your mind at rest.
Children are members of the church too!

You could turn your video off or you could tell your Church that when the disciples told children to go away from Jesus he rebuked them (the disciples) and welcomed the children, or that Corinthians 12 tells us that the Church is a body made up of equally valued parts. Actually it tells us that the parts we think should be hidden are the most valuable. I wouldn't find what your children were doing distracting or embarrassing in anyway. I'd only be sad that I couldn't spend time with them in person, they sound great fun!

I'm curious as well about why your dc would normally stay in the service. Is there not a children's ministry/Sunday school group they could attend? And if so are they not providing anything in lockdown? If nothing is being provided for children additional needs or otherwise then thats something the church needs to address

Thankyou everyone. Before lockdown it was a lot easier as if anyone moaned about anyone's children making a noise they were quickly reminded that in 20 years time they will be elderly and it will be the children who are currently learning to be quiet in church services who will be giving them a lift to church, giving up their Saturday to paint the inside of the church, mow the lawn etc.

I'm relieved that it's normal that children don't do zoom services. I thought it was probably a bad idea to do zoom with the dc but so many people from our church said we should, it would be fine, all the other children enjoyed it etc that I thought we should try. Then it was 8 calm children and then 2 of mine trying to beat each other up and not understanding why nobody was waving back at them.

@Quizeerascal normally we have Sunday school in the afternoon so the children stay in for the morning service. We're not doing Sunday school on zoom at the moment. I don't think anyone expected the church to be closed for this long at the beginning to be honest. I will talk to the vicar about it though as while technically we will be allowed to open the church soon we will still have to do social distancing and we won't be allowed to sing. I don't think Sunday school would be very nice for anyone with those restrictions in place.