Dilemma: Am I just difficult?

[FairyMum]

I really need your views now. DH and me have been asked to be Godparents to one of our friend's son in a couple of months time. I am touched that we were asked and understand this is an honour. The trouble is that I am not a Christian. I consider myself an ateist. I was not raised as a christian by my parents and I am not raising my children as christians. I also feel that I disagree with a lot of what the church stands for.....
Our friends are not particularly religious, but are doing this because it's tradition and to please the grandparents. I don't think they have thought about the point that we might not be very suited to be God parents as we are not religious as probably assume we take the same attitude as them - it's a tradition. I know lots of people both marry and christen their children in church without it menaing too much for them. Personally, though, I don't have much respect for that myself. I think either you are a christian person or you are not.You don't just pop into church for a few occasions every year. I find that quite hypocritical. I would therefore feel hypocritical myself if I was to have the role of a God parent and promise to bring a child up in the christian faith. The truth is both me and DH are probably more likely to lead the child away from the path of Jesus....

I know if I say no, even if I do it in the nicest possible way and really try to explain the situation, it will not be understood. I will fall out with my friends as well as a lot of family who is involved in this. Noone would have asked a muslim or a jew to be a God parent in a christian wedding, but the problem is that as an ateist it's not always accepted that that is also a belief. Am I being difficult? Should I just wander into church, say a few words and noone will think anything of it (thousands do this every year after all) or should I stand up for my principles here? I really have no idea what to do. DH is going to say yes to be a God parent, but then he doesn't really care either way I suppose.......

What do you think?

I wouldn't want to do it either although I would be very honoured to be asked, as you are. I think I would just have to thank them, tell them how much it means that they picked you, then decline on the grounds that you don't believe in god and therefore wouldn't feel comfortable being a godparent, but that you want to be involved in the child's life and even try and provide some moral guidance where possible. I can't believe that if these people are your friends they would fall out with you over this. I'm sure they'll respect your position.

Fairymum, I've often wondered what I'd do if I was in this situation, as I think my views are pretty similar to yours.
Why do you think you wouldn't be understood? I think you've explained how you feel really well on here - could you perhaps write this in a letter to your friends?
Could you offer to be a kind of moral, ethical but non-religious guardian instead?
Sorry can't be of more help, but I do know what you mean.

When I asked friends to be Godparents to Lottie, i chose my best friend, who happens to be half Jewish, and not at all catholic or religios, and I also chose a friend who was Catholic, and had been confirmed with me. I wanted my half Jewish friend to be a big part of Lotties life and this is why I asked her. My other friend i chose for the spititual side of things.

Perhaps if you explain to your friend that you would love to play a big part in her son's life but you will be unable to guide him down the spiritual path as you do not hold the same beliefs.
Would you feel better about the whole thing then?

I had the same dilemma as you. My sister asked myself, my other sister and my brother to be godparents to my youngest niece. I chose not to marry in church as I felt it would be hypocrytical as i'm agnostic. My mother was very surprised and wished I had, she is a regular church goer herself! For the same reason, I would not have my child christened either and feel they can make that decision for themselves if and when. Anyway, I agonised over the decision to become a godparent for ages. I felt I would be hypocrytical and discussed my feelings with my sister. I wasn't comfortable with the words that we had to say. However, I did do it, partly because of my niece and how she would feel that I was asked but didn't choose to be her godparent, when my siblings did and partly because I felt that even though I may not be able to teach her all about christianity, I can teach her right from wrong and how to be a decent person (not that she needs it) which in my book is surely what it's all about. My sister btw is a regular church goer too. hth and sorry it's long winded

One of the main roles of a Godparent is to pray for the child. I don't think it would be right to accept this role if you are unable to carry it out.

Can you suggest anyone else who might make a more suitable Godparent for your friend's child? This would show that you respect the role, but are not the right person yourself.

Out of my two sons six god parents, I think only three are active christians, one a lapst christian -but believes - and two who don't believe, did not marry in church, and did not get their child christened. I chose these people as I believed that they would give the best support and guidance to my dss as they grew up.

Your dedication to a religion that you do not believe is honourable. The parents are not expecting you to uphold a christian life to the child and your relationship with the child will be longer than the service. If you are really uncomfortable why not talk to them about your reservations honestly and maintain there is nothing more you would like, to be the godparent. If you cannot and become the godparent with love in your heart then this is the ethos of Jesus and that is ultimate in my eyes over our earthly judgements

Deegward, I'm not religious, but to my mind a godparent is more than someone who gives support and guidance. What I'm trying to say is that a godparent's role is to help the parents raise their child in the religion, isn't it? Of course, part of that is giving support and guidance, but does someone have to be a godparent to give support and guidance? As a non-christian I was unable (and would have been unwilling) to act as my nieces godmother (my SIL would have chosen me otherwise), but I still try and help with moral guidance of the non-religious type. It takes a village, and all that.

Sorry - bit rambling. What I was trying to say was I don't agree with non Christians being godparents, but then I'm not a Christian so does my opinion even count?

You could also suggest that once the christening is over, a few weeks later you would like to give a secular party for the baby, to celebrate your role in her life. That way, you are not just refusing to do something, you are offering a positive alternative.

FairyMum - I have been in exactly this position Asked to be Godmother to my best friend's little girl. I'm an atheist and she likes tradition and has a vague belief. Like you she just wouldn't have understood what I was getting at if I turned it down. So I did it but told myself that I was simply being a figurehead for the child. The family are not religious so I'm not there to offer any religious guidance - in fact, I'm really there to get bigger Christmas and birthday presents It didn't sit too easily with me either but if your friends are not overly religious either I think they are asking you because they like and respect you and probably know that you're not religious but that's not why they are picking you.

It's tricky but if you don't believe, does it matter really? Is it worth causing upset over? I'm not telling you what to do but I don't think it's teh biggest crime to go along with? They are not asking you to change your beliefs, just to be a Special Person to their child.

Well that's how I justified it. But I do sympathise greatly. HTH

Fairymum - excuse me for jumping in, but I've just had a thought. Have you heard of Humainsts? They are a charitable organisation that provide Celebrants (men and women) to conduct non-religious ceremonies: hatches, matches and dispatches, but also do naming ceremonies. My husband and I had a humanist wedding and loved it, and a friend is having a humanist naming ceremony for her son. You can either totally make up your own words, or they have selection books of these things that every individual can tweak. If you didn't feel comfortable accepting your friend's child because of the overt religious links (and I'm with you on this one), how about suggesting a naming ceremony. That way you can still take part in a ritual where you and your husband declare your intention to help guide the child etc etc, but without compromising your beliefs? They have an excellent website - I'm sure if you Google it you would find it. Hope this helps.

Thanks to all who have posted. It's been really helpful to read all the different posts and I can see that I am not the only one feeling like I do now....