Existential loneliness and not religious, how to fill the void?

[Blurpblorp]

This is me. I'm incredibly blessed with my family and friends, have a career I enjoy, good health, a nice home and a lovely boyfriend. I have a really busy but varied life as a single parent and overall I count myself extremely lucky and I'm grateful every day. But I feel separate and alone all the time just by definition of being human. I've worked through my issues and know what they are and why I might feel the way I do but this is something else. The happiest I ever remember being as an adult is being pregnant with my first child and it was because I didn't feel alone anymore.

If I was religious I'd speak to a vicar about it but I just don't believe. Wish I did. I am fairly spiritual though and would really appreciate someone who could share their thoughts with me about how spirituality could fill the void inside. Any recommended reading? Or could you share your experience of existential loneliness?

Thank you

And forgot to say... the real kicker for me is since I became a mum. I wish I could give my DC the reassurance of there being a god but I just don't have that in me to draw on. I'm also so worried about the planet they'll inherit and what their future will be. And above all else, that I'll inadvertantly pass on this same lonely mindset to them.

And that is all it is "a lonely mindset"

If you are spiritual, you can talk directly to God. No need to speak to a vicar, priest, Imam or anyone. I do believe in God, I am religious but still, I don't need to speak to anyone but God. Truly in the remembrance of God do hearts find peace. This is the verse I go by when I have similar worries about the state of the earth. However my religion tells me these prophecies of the world getting worse and worse until one day things will be better. It's much more detailed than that but that's the jist of it.

I felt quite isolated after my first. I didn't have what you have, family around, no money worries etc etc and I guess I took it out on God by praying less. In the end it didn't make me any better and it was only through going back to Him did I find my purpose and getting through each day. Currently I look back at how ungrateful I was, seeing all the hurt in the world. Syria is one such example. They'd much prefer to be in my position during that time where I was feeling really low, than sitting in a tent in the snow with no real protection from flooding or even getting changed without anyone seeing them.

I guess looking at those worse off than us makes me really thankful and even when days are tough, it could be tougher. Way tougher. My purpose in this life is to send forth good deeds for the next, ever lasting life where I will be able to live without fear, worry, illness, grief etc. I guess people passing away around me leaving their family behind at a youngish age makes me see how short this world is. When the end comes for us all, we'll probably wonder why we didn't try to do more.

A lot of people go through what you are going through. At the end of the day we must find our purpose in life. Why were we created? What do we need to do? A car manufacturer hires workers to build a car which will make a person go from destination A to B. That car has a maker and that car also has a purpose. What's ours?

Thanks for your replies. @babba2014 I'm glad you have your faith but as I said, I just don't believe in god in that way.

@noego I've tried to change my mindset with CBT but this is something deeper. Do you have any practical tips for exploring a spiritual answer to this?

@Blurpblorp

What is it that is aware of your void? If you watch you will see that there is an awareness of the void. The awareness is that which observes everything.
The mind body always wants to find answers and takes you on a journey away from the awareness.
Find the awareness and stay there be silent in that.

Oh wow thanks @noego Really interesting idea. I have been trying meditation and mindfulness so I'll try that too

@Blurpblorp

Mindful meditation is good provided you are aware of the mind and what It is doing. Normally it is creating negativity with bouts of positivity.

So if the mind is 'you' then what is 'it' that is watching the mind? Once this is seen you can detach from the mind and that which it creates.

So do you have to believe what the mind creates? The answer is no, because thoughts are not real. Thoughts are only real if you believe them.

So therefore be mindful of the mind to become mind less.

So interesting... I wonder how that relates to your existential self. How do you know this stuff?

I wonder how that relates to your existential self

Who created this self?

How do you know this stuff?

That's a story :)

As a start point try reading "The Power of Now" by Eckarte Tolle.

I focus on what brings me joy in life. What are your pleasures, even the littlest of the littlest things? Do them, stay with the feeling of pleasure.

When I witnessed a protracted death of a friend, I learnt a gamechanging lesson about appreciating the now, this amazing bit of life we are sharing. It's hard to stay in the state of appreciation but I find the more time I spend on seeking out true joy and sharing that with those close by, the easier this joy becomes to access. It's like water welling up from a dry well, filling the empty space that was there before.

These are things that have helped me. I'd love to read ideas from other posters x

Idea's mean an ideology which means human concept.

This isn't an ideology, this is a vision.

To get to the vision is to drop all human constructed concepts.

Religion for example.............and is one of many

Thanks all - @noego I just bought The Power of Now on Audible... surely it's slightly impossible to drop all human constructed concepts? I get the distinction though and I suppose it's just about practicing and cultivating new thinking. So interesting.

@AllWashedOut thanks for your insight and I'm sorry for your loss it sounds heartbreaking but incredible that you've taken this lesson from it. I get pleasure from lots of things, must take time to savour them more.

@Blurpblop

Your path is about to take a different direction. There will be many realisations along this path. One of which will be the correct relationship with the mind as well as others. Slowly all the programming and conditioning you've had from birth will drop away. As it does the feeling of freedom will arise. This freedom will fill the void because it is seen that the void is of the mind. It keeps seeking answers to questions, when in truth there are no questions and therefore no answers. There is just a natural beingness. This beingness is innocent and contented.

Thank you Blurpblop for the flowers.

Loneliness is a desire for connection. Connection with others will bring pleasure in your life - but it sounds like you have these things. I think your loneliness is a desire to reconnect with your self. With the trials of life we can all become disconnected with our true nature. Come to yourself with the love and compassion of a child. Hear what your body needs. Heed what brings you pleasure in life. What foods make you zing? What activity leaves you feeling energised? What things of beauty resonate deeply with you? These are all clues to what brings you joy - do those things in honor of yourself. Self-love is the key. I wish you well because there is no need to live with a void in your life.

I feel that kind of loneliness too, I think @Blurpblorp. And what @Allwashedout says about missing a connection with oneself is interesting. Or sometimes I wonder for me if its about attachment style, I anxiously yearn for connection due to childhood experiences.

I would second Eckart Tolles books. The Power of Now and A New Earth.
I have also found Pema Chodron’s books amazingly helpful. She is a very wise Buddhist in the Tibetan tradition. She writes with great compassion and insight about our human condition and the challenges of finding meaning and purpose.
If you are open to finding answers, they will come. I think you have to read a lot, listen a lot and see what resonates with you.
I do believe in a higher purpose. My belief is that we are all here on a personal journey to learn and grow. To develop our spiritual muscles. Unfortunately the way most people approach life in the modern age weakens these muscles and leads away from spiritual awareness. We are all so distracted by phones and stuff and trivia. So much so that we can’t even hear ourselves think, to coin a phrase.

Sorry OP I’m going to be crap and say, there’s a philosopher that says “just accept your existential loneliness and that we’re all staring into the abyss..”. Andre someone? Maybe someone else can help.

But I’m of that mindset, bit of a nihilist I guess.

I wonder if you’re spending too much time brooding and looking inwards instead of outwards, OP?
We get a sense of connectedness by reaching out in fellowship to other humans, making bonds and relationships. We need to work at that, it doesn’t just happen.
We have an atheist in my church congregation. She doesn’t have any Christian beliefs at all, but she comes along every week because she is made welcome and she loves the sense of community, the singing together, and the good work that is undertaken to help the needy. She is every bit a part of our flock, and valued for her contribution.
Maybe you could try something similar- join a church group for the fellowship, and enjoy being part of something greater, even if you don’t believe in the divinity of Christ?
At the very least, it would expose you to potential new friends and ideas.

@Blurpblorp you say you “just don’t believe, wish I did” - have you ever tried to change that? Belief is more than a feeling, it’s a choice based on evidence, whether that is scientific, experiential, historical, personal etc.
If your current beliefs aren’t fitting with the reality of the void inside you, then why not investigate other beliefs? Talk to people with different views or do a course.

Personally I find it’s better to chat to people who have inner peace than read to a book. My beliefs have changed over the years and are still evolving. I’ve really enjoyed the voyage of discovery and it’s transformed my life.

Have you tried yoga?
My friend sounds s lot like you and she has found a lot of peace and comfort through her yoga.

You say you 'don't believe in god that way' - what way do you believe in god? Or whatever you want to call it

I wonder if you'd find Buddhism Plain and Simple (Steve Hagen) and/or Lost Connections (Johann Hari) helpful.