Have a little boy (3.5) obsessed with and scared of dying

[twotimestrouble]

Last year our beloved old cat (of 17) died a terrible lingering death and I was devastated (still ). My DS loved him too (at the time he was 2.5). This is the only event we have had with death but he is now completely obsessed with losing us, losing his nanna and grandad, finding out where dead people have gone etc. No amount of gentle reassurance gets him off track. He keeps begging me not to go to heaven and asking who will play with his toys if he has to come with me!!

Has anyone else had experience of this? I want to be truthful (I don't believe in heaven at all) but I don't want him frightened or fearful in any way. I feel books will only reinforce his fears. Really I'd like him to forget all about this but he comes back to it several times a day. Help!

ttt, I wonder, do you have any pictures of relatives that have died? I often get out photos of my grandparents, I was particularly close to my maternal grandmother and ds is named for my grandad, although I can't remember him. I think it is a comfort for dd1 to know that I can look at their pictures w/out feeling sad, and talking about them makes them alive in a way.

I agree you can't really lie about heaven but you can say, I don't know what happens but I know it isn't scarey, which is true. And, if you do Father Christmas and the tooth fairy, you can do angels with a straight face, and my dds get loads of comfort from them. They believe in guardian angels and each has a little statue and necklace. Maybe your ds would be comforted if you had a little angel in your car to watch over you.

Also, could this be behavioural? My dd2 is three and I'm just cottoning on to how she can seem extremely distressed but is actually seeking my attention. I'm not saying his fears aren't real to him, but maybe he has discovered that really playing up to them gets him a huge amount of attention - like stopping the car. Or maybe he is picking up on your anxiety and that is why any mention of heaven and he starts to cry.

DutchOma, am so sorry to hear about your m/cs. I am so glad you faith has sustained you. I found the opposite, I would cry and cry out for help and got nothing.

I told dds about heaven when they were 3 without believing it myself. It worked very well and had an important role to play in trying to explain a very difficult concept.

It's good to hear when things work well, Pointydog, but in this case the 'little white lie' has misfired and actually rather upset the applecart.

Well today he's a bit happier as he told me that when he goes to heaven he's taking his blanket and he's going to say hello to nanna's mummy (who died before he was born). However,he did ask what really old was, answered quickly and changed subject before we got onto morbid discussions again.

That's good ttt

Glad it's getting better, 3 yr olds are reasonably easy to distract IME.

twotimestrouble - would it help to know that this is a perfectly normal and very precisely defined stage in the development of the infant brain - or more precisely, the ego. Normally girls get there around 5 and boys at 6-7, but there are no rules and some children will get here earlier. Soimetimes that is because death as happened to something or someone near them, but more usually it is simply because just as they realsied that they are separate from you as they grow through toddlerhood, now they are growing to understand mortality as a concept. Sensily handled, without too much angst and not too much scary detail, a child will gradually grow through this stage although it is normal to experience separation anxiety and fear of fire for example, during this stage. It does pass and in the meantime be glad your ds is developing normally!!!