Have a little boy (3.5) obsessed with and scared of dying

[twotimestrouble]

Last year our beloved old cat (of 17) died a terrible lingering death and I was devastated (still ). My DS loved him too (at the time he was 2.5). This is the only event we have had with death but he is now completely obsessed with losing us, losing his nanna and grandad, finding out where dead people have gone etc. No amount of gentle reassurance gets him off track. He keeps begging me not to go to heaven and asking who will play with his toys if he has to come with me!!

Has anyone else had experience of this? I want to be truthful (I don't believe in heaven at all) but I don't want him frightened or fearful in any way. I feel books will only reinforce his fears. Really I'd like him to forget all about this but he comes back to it several times a day. Help!

My dd1 talks about death a lot - she lost her best friend when they were four. Ordinarily it's good to emphasise age when talking about death - your cat was very old and sick - with dd1 I tell her that he rfriend was very, very ill and that we are all going to die when we are old. Dd1 still talks about wanting to die exactly when I do so that we can go to heaven together. I just think you have to answer questions as reassuringly as you can. I don't know if I believe in an afterlife or not (dd1 does) but I say that when we die we are free from all the things that can hurt us, and no-one really dies b/c we all carry our loved ones in our hearts and memories. I do think it is a very common thing with children and it was something I worried about as a child - I am have always been anxious about my loved ones dying as an adult too and suspect that some people are natural worriers about losing loved ones.

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Dd1 believes in the tooth fairy and Father Christmas - she'll come to her own conclusions about them and about heaven as well.

Thanks. It's so hard. We had upset again last night as he began worrying how his soft bear would go to heaven as it had no bones!

Like you STT, I'm beginning to get a bit over thoughtful on the whole death thing as he's making me examine it several times a day. My grandfather is now v ill and I don't think he has long left. DS keeps getting me to reassure him that 'old grandad' won't leave and go to heaven. I'll try the 'staying healthy' suggestion pruners.

We were out in the garden the other day and I told dd1 we are going to have to cut a small tree down that she likes. She was upset but I told her that it is very old, and that it is dying so better to take it down. I then said that everything that is alive dies one day, particularly when it gets very old and unwell.

The unfortunate thing is of course that dying is part of living. We are all going to die and there is no getting away from it. Neither do we know when we are going to die, so reassuring your ds that you are not going to die any time soon is a bit of a difficulty since you have no control over it.
Equally, if you tell him 'old grandfather' is not going to die you are plain lying to him, because sure enough he is going to die and by your own admission 'he has not long to go'. So how is your ds going to feel when you have told him it will all be alright and then 'old grandfather' does die? Whatever you think about heaven, death is natural and we would none of us want to live forever

Exactly. No matter how anxious I may get I make sure my dcs know that dying is a natural part of life and that we remember those we love so they are always with us. Actually these days I'm only anxious about my dcs.

children under the age of 7 really need to know that WE, their parents, are not going to leave them. Reassure your child that you are here to stay, and that they do not have to worry about you leaving them - that is their huge fear.

i think this is a stage kids go throu, it is a difficult one and to be honest i am not sure how you deal with it.

Poor little thing. We benefitted from some good advice...buy some goldfish when the children are about 2, then they get can get some idea about the reality of death with something they are somewhat attached to but not like a dog, cat or relative.

When DD's greatuncle was dying when she was about 3, I found "Badger's parting gifts" quite helpful. May not be appropriate to your situation but I'd recommend it to anyone wanting to prepare a small child for a loss.

Laura, how can you reassure a child that we are not going to leave them? We all know of children who have lost parents at a young age, so if you tell them that you are not going to leave them and get run over by a bus they will have to cope with betrayal as well as the loss. Life is very fragile and we don't know, any of us, whether we will still be here tomorrow. Such is life.
It is much more honest to say that we are ALL going to die, that we don't know when and that we don't WANT to leave them any time soon because we love them so much. You can, if you are a Christian reassure them that they will be looked after by their Heavenly Father and that, should it come to losing a parent they will be cared for no matter what.

DutchOma, I agree that you can't promise a child that you won't die. My dd's first experiences of death have been that of her friend and that of a schoolfriend's dad - I can't pretend that only the old die.

However, my mum had a real thing about dying herself and used to go on about how she was so relieved that if she died she knew I would be looked after by everyone who loved me. She meant well but it really fed my paranoia. I tend not to mention dying unless the dcs bring it up, and I am very careful to hide my own anxiety about my dcs.

STT, I agree that you don't have to be forever talking to your child about your dying, but this little boy keeps bringing it up himself after the death of a beloved cat. He has been on about it, apparently and his mum is asking for advice.
My point is that you must not lie to a child about anything, however painful it is but that you must also try to reassure it that, should the worst happen that child is looked after.
So, make your will, appoint guardians for the dcs and then you can calmly say to an anxious child that everything has been taken care of and "Mummy didn't die yesterday and there is no reason to think that she will die anytime soon. I love you very much and now please go to sleep." Or whatever...

DutchOma, I'm in agreement with you. because of my dd1's bereavements she talks about death a lot - for example, yesterday she said 'Mummy, you'll love me forever won't you, even after you die.' I believe absolutely in answering a child's questions honestly and openly and if my dd1 wants to talk about death then we do. It's obvious this little boy needs a lot of reassurance. I simply mention my mum b/c she was the one bringing her death up and putting the idea of her dying into my head. When dd1's friend died very suddenly from meningitis we were very honest about what happened, and I explained that he was very sick and died. I also explained about how he was buried and what the funeral was like (although I don't think dcs need to be kept away from funerals I knew I would handle it badly so didn't take dd1) and we went to see his grave. My mum was very uncomfortable with all of this but it was far better than the weird silence and paranoia I got from her. Dd1's friend died 18 mo ago now and she still talks about how much she loved him and how she wishes they'd gone to school together, and how sad she is that she can't remember his voice, although she has his photo in her room. I am comfortable answering dd1's questions (dd2 and ds being too young) and never lie, but unless I have a bereavement to tell her about I don't talk about dying unless she wants to.

That's just so beautiful stt. I am really sorry to hear that your mum made such difficulty for you. I have some inkling about what you mean since my mum frequently threatened suicide when she had had a row with us, so yes mothers can colour or world view to a great extent.
I'm sorry for your little daughter too, it must be so hard for her to have to cope with such a loss at such a young age and I'm sure you have handled it with great sensitivity and care.
I hope that the first poster will come back on the thread and tell us how things are going with her and her ds.
Hopefully we will have been able to help her somewhat in a very diffiult situation.

at your mum, that must have been terrible. Was this when you were growing up or older? With my mum she would reassure me that if she died I would be well looked after, but I didn't want to think about he rdying. It was only when I had dd1 that she told me she'd been terrified of the dependency she felt I had on her (not only the maternal one but the fact she was the main breadwinner) and I think she must have been reassuring herself, out loud.

The situation with dd1's friend dying was the worst thing I have ever experienced, they used to laugh so much and just clicked together. I am still so upset from a personal pov that she has missed out on what I am sure would have been a special and enduring friendship, let alone what he and his family have lost . At the time he died I was still a Christian, although already on the way to losing my faith, and had started to bring up the dds as Christians. A couple of days' after he died dd1 was drawing and when I looked she'd drawn a picture of God holding her friend safe in his hand. I gave it to his mum.

The issues with my mum were all through my childhood. In fact, looking back, with my dd, over the diary she kept when I was first born, we were both aghast at the way she treated me. MN would have been horrified. All through my life she tried to control me, to such an extent that eventually I married an Englishman and escaped the country.
Never mind, I think of myself as a well rounded individual and these things help to have an empathy with other people.
Do you not think of yourself as a Christian any more? As a result of your dd's friend dying or are there other issues? I'm sure I could not cope with any of life's pressures if I were not a Christian and feel sad when people tell me they have lost their faith. Be assured that, whatever you think of God, He still considers you as His very precious child.

That is awful, DutchOma. Your mum must ahve been very disturbed. My mum, for all her faults, was never anything other than loving.

No, I no longer think of myself as a Christian. Don't be sad for me, I am much happier than I was a year ago when I was fighting to hold on to what I'd grown up with. I was already well on the way to losing my faith when my friend's ds died, I'd already moved beyond a personal God who you could 'blame' for such things, although I do know some people who said it did prove to them that God didn't exist. I'd studied theology and learned enough to conclude that certain parts of the NT have been, IMO, made up. That didn't matter whilst I could feel God's presence in my life. But one day that just went, and my intellectual doubts grew to the point that there was nothing left to believe in. During last year we thought dd2 was going to die twice of the same illness that killed dd1's friend - the second time came the day after ds was born, and I got no consolation whatever, whereas I had when dd1 had nearly died at birth. Eventually at Christmas I so wanted to believe, and went through the motions for the dcs, but it was like watching them getting ready for Santa - beautiful and exciting, but not real for me. I'm currently exploring a Buddhist/Taoist path and believe that I will find God within myself. It seems much more reliable than believeing in a God who doesn't always seem to be there when you need 'him'.

But it is all in the past now, so don't be for me. I know what you are saying about 'losing' God. I had two miscarriages after ds was born and said to God, after the first miscarriage:"Ok God, if you don't want me to have another child, just don't let me get pregnant again". And of course I did and miscarried again so I said to God:"You are no good, just get out of my life, I'll never ask you for anything again". I kept it up for all of three days and at the end of it in exasperation said "Just get lost, won't you..." And God said:"My dear child, I can't..."
I had to learn that God has autonomy, He is God, not something you can have a bit of in a brown paper bag.
So, I hope you find what you are seeking for.
I too believe that there are parts of the New Testament that are 'made up', but the essentials that Jesus existed, was crucified and rose again are so much born out by the subsequent growth of Christianity that I cannot disbelieve them.

Read thread with interest. Like you all say, I am being very honest. But the truth is that dying and leaving your loved ones IS terrible. What I want is to tell the truth but not frighten my son. He is a very thoughtful and bright little boy and he is already questioning all kinds of philosophical things which I wasn't expecting a 3 year old to get his head round!! Re the whole death thing - last night driving home in the dark he asked me if heaven would be dark (thought we'd made it through the day with no 'heaven' talk LOL). I said, no it would be full of light (although as I've said I don't believe a word of it). Then he burst into inconsolable tears. So distressed I stopped the car and it turned out that he didn't want me to die (again). He has such a warm, close knit family I don't know where this fear of abandonment comes from.

I just wonder ttt whether there would be any benefit in telling him you just don't know what heaven will be like. Since you say 'you don't believe any of it' that would be the honest truth.
And maybe tell him that he was terribly afraid of losing you last week and the week before and that it didn't happen and all that worry was for nothing.
I think you are right in wondering where all this 'grown up' thinking comes from, have you any idea?

Have tried so much reassurance etc. Re. where this is all coming from; I think he's naturally inquisitive. It may have started with his interest in history and wondering where dinosaurs and Romans were now. His dad probably said they'd gone to heaven and so began the problem.

My dds got first developed some understanding of death aged 3, and I think that's a common age for it.

And if you've been oblivious to death until that point, it is a huge scary concept to get your head around. The sight of roadkill used to prompt dd1 into internimable questions and dd2 asked us to retell how a friend of the family died of a heart attack over and over.

my dds liked hearing about heaven

'His dad probably said they'd gone to heaven' Are you on your own with your ds?
And 'you've tried so much reassurance' How realistic was that? If you say "darling, mummy is not going to die and leave you', you are not telling the truth. You may have no intention to leave him, but you have no control over whether you live or die, as I've said before. I don't think there is anything wrong with telling children about heaven and how God looks after them, that is a great comfort. But if you don't believe any of that your child will see straight through it and won't be reassured by it at all.
None of all this grief has happened yet and it probably won't ever happen