Christianity- this might be the end of the road.

[Timeandtimeagain42]

I'm at New Wine in Peterborough. Just had one more in a long line of tiny incidents where so called Christians are unpleasant, officious and generally won't lift a finger to actually offer any practical help.
Fair enough, I'm quite independent but now the whole festival is turning my stomach. Chock full of people singing pretty words and praying to be "filled with the Holy Spirit" but there's no substance behind any of it, nobody is prepared to actually do anything except sing and pray. I've been a Christian for 30 years but I think,
I think I may have reached the end if my journey. Tell me I'm wrong somebody?

Thank you @ZenNudist I'll look that up. I find myself struggling with feeling empty and feeling as if my own faith is just a facade and therefore when I experience other Christians not behaving in a very kind or loving way I suppose it makes me feel as if maybe the whole thing is actually a sham and there's no more to it than a handy club that we all belong to.

There's nothing particularly wrong but I'm, I suppose depressed long term and struggle with feeling like a horrible person inside yet I manage to put on some sort of "face" for the world.

Then I go into meetings where hundreds of people are chucking themselves around and having a great time with the "Holy Spirit" whilst I sit on the fringes wishing I could go for a nice walk instead. Then I feel as if I'm cold because I can't throw myself into the worship.

If I can be blunt - please don't rely on your feelings for faith. Feelings are changeable but the truth is not. Lots of different things can affect feelings and its dangerous to use feelings to lead your spiritual life.

It sounds like you are in a charismatic denomination. There's nothing wrong with that but I've always thought that there must be so much pressure on people to proclaim to others that they 'feel' the Holy Spirit on demand.

I feel close to God when I'm quietly hanging out the washing and sometimes, I can't feel Him at all but I have no doubt that He is there.

Maybe a change of denomination from a charismatic group would be best. I might be a bit bias as a Catholic but I think a good priest could really help you here. A Catholic priest is always willing to talk and there's no commitment to become Catholic or anything. It can just be a general chat.

Many churches have pastors who can get 'accredited' online. Catholic priests have to study theology in some form for around 6-8 years on average so they will know what they are talking about.

Also, if you are feeling signs of depression, please do go to a doctor.

Thank you @WhatisFreddoingnow I'm actually C of E (although there are many forms that takes) so our leaders are very well trained. I've previously been in NewFrontiers international churches and their leaders had no external qualification or approval so I know what you're saying. I'm not sure the Catholic Church is for me although I do like the idea of having somebody to talk to properly.

Thank you everybody again, your input has been amazing.

I have always found church full of clicks and horrible judgy people, who, as you say like to pretend to be Christians, but in real life do not put teachings into practice . I can't be bothered to go into detail. But I've realised I hate church, not God. And I say that when people say religion is evil. It's not religion that causes problems it's the people who run and attend the church.

I am so sorry you've been struggling with depression. It's the most debilitating thing, and can have such effects over the long term. Please do see your GP as pp suggested.

I'm so sorry you feel like a horrible person. All I can say is I know that's in no way how God sees you. I'm thinking about the passage from 1 Corinthians about the body of Christ, where each member is so valued, and the 'weaker' members just as vital - it's spoken to me a lot within a life of sickness.

I don't think the style of Nw is for everyone at all. We're all different, and thank God for that! I'm left cold and disengaged by a cathedral service with a choir and organ, but know well this deeply touches others, and I'm thankful for that. I don't believe those who are engaging deeply at NW etc are faking it, for me these are profoundly transformative times, but I do think some people tend to the dramatic and they will always be the loudest, and so can be a little strange to hear and see. But people engage quietly too, and some don't 'feel' stuff but still find themselves massively effected in the long term by stuff they've learned and heard. My DH tends to be one of these. I guess I'm trying to reassure you that everyone responds differently, and there is no right or wrong way. People sometimes respond more physically because God can work so deeply in emotions sometimes, or just through a sense of thankfulness and praise for who he is. And some never respond like that, and that's ok. I was grateful last week when the main speaker talked about different responses and how we should never force a response or be someone we're not.

I hope you have a safe journey home.

New Wine is closing early due to storms.
I think God has spoken.

Oh? And what did he say?

I think he said 'use your common sense and listen to the met office /showground staff/other festivals also closing for the weekend.' And that's what they did, because they care about safety.

What did you think he said, Paddington, out of interest?

I can't sorry. I was pretty appalled when I joined an evangelical church at the same time as someone else who was having an awful time (husband potentially dying, she was on antidepressants and unsympathetic employer) and told one of the church leaders to ask if the church could help ( I was thinking organising practical help, meals made, help with housework etc) and was told they would pray for her.

@goingdeepinthesky I've experienced this sort of response too..... not every Christian though I have to say. I know some practical "roll your sleeves up" types too. Your poor friend, I hope she did find somebody to help her.

I'm glad they decided to close the festival early, only because I can see how easily an accident with one of those big structures could easily become a tragedy. I hope everybody gets home safely.

@Madhairday

That's very sad, goingdeep, but always remembering that there are unhelpful people everywhere. In my church we organise rotas for anyone who is in need of help, from giving birth through to illness to bereavement. We make meals, organise cleaning etc. And we pray, because we don't think that's worth nothing - far from it. I'm not saying we always get it right, because we really don't, and being human we probably let people down sometimes, and that's a shame. I like to look at the pattern of the early church for how faith working out should be modelled, and see a completely countercultural movement who cared for the outsider, who pooled resources and supported the most vulnerable in society, with no exceptions. And partly because of that, this movement exploded and spread far and wide in a short time. I hope we can emulate something of that, and I'm sorry when we get it wrong and hurt people like your friend

*always worth remembering

Praying isn't "worth nothing" but it shouldn't be a substitute when people are perfectly able to help and can't be bothered,

Definitely!

I suppose it makes me feel as if maybe the whole thing is actually a sham and there's no more to it than a handy club that we all belong to.

Ok I get this. But what is the club for?

I worry that I live a private holiness and am not active in trying to bring about God's kingdom on earth. I pray. I try and connect with something beyond myself, i try and figure out Jesus.

I do now have faith because for so long I didn't and the change has been quite mind blowing.

I think faith is for different things depending on your circumstances. For some people its all about mission, for some its support, for some its community, some want to live in hope, some think about life after death, some try and be better people, some want to change the world, some people just want to praise God. Most of us get a few of these things. Theres more no doubt that I haven't listed.

I also like what father mike Schmitz says about losing faith. He says we dont lose faith, we choose not to use it, or we give our attention to other things than God.

It seems to me God must be fairly central to your life if you are searching like this. Essentially you are being called and you are trying to answer and make sense of it all.

So keep going.

Another way to think about it is that the way you feel now is the holy spirit moving in you. You might not be shaking in the aisles but you are being drawn to live your life... better? You can see what you dont want (praising God but not living the teachings of Jesus). This gets you closer to what you do want. And hopefully closer to God.

Sorry for long rambling post.

@ZenNudist amazing words and food for thought.

Lovely post @ZenNudist

So glad New Wine had the sense to close early. We were at Grapevine when a hurricane was forecast and they decided to keep going. The rubbish skips became tent graveyards and we ended going home early anyway.
I am sad that the OP has had negative experiences of Christians. There used to be a cringeworthy t shirt that said 'Please be patient, God isn't finished with me yet'.
None of us know what other Christians were like before finding faith. I try to remember that for some people what you are seeing really is an improved version.
We went to New Wine once when my husband was on a stand. The children's work was outstanding, and I can still remember the name of my son's group leader. He has Asperger's and they really made him feel welcome. As a frequent attendee of another Christian festival held at Butlin's, and a one time attendee at (now defunct) Easter People, where the group leader said his behaviour was 'strange' that alone makes me feel positive about New Wine.

I think he said if you don't feel welcome, shake the dust from your shoes and move on.
I hope the OP finds a church local to her more welcoming/helpful and is able to build relationships there.

Someone once told me I hadn't lost faith, it wasn't mine to loose and God was eternally faithful, I was blinded by other things in my life, and, like clouds over the sun - He is still there and shining.

Some days I find it helpful when struggling to know that He is always faithful.

That is beautiful imagery Becca. I like that a lot. I always tend to feel closer to God when outside in nature.