Looking for Christian input/advice please - divorce/adultery

[ruralliving19]

I'll try to keep the backstory as brief as I can! I was with my ex-husband for 10 years, 6 of which we were married for. We have 2 children together. We split up 5 years ago and finally divorced last year. At the time of the marriage and split I was not a Christian, at the time of the divorce I was (and still am!). He is an atheist. The divorce and split were both instigated by me.

My reasons for divorcing were:

• although he denies it, I strongly suspect adultery. I found profiles with his photo and correct details on sex personals sites, escort numbers in his phone, condoms in his wallet when we didn't use them and I contracted an STD from him when we had been together several years. There were also 2 or 3 occasions when I know he lied about where he had been.
• he was controlling in certain areas of life but not all of them (mainly around expectations of housework, which he wouldn't help with but would criticise)
• by the time we split, me and the children were tiptoeing round him because of his temper. He was not violent but he was often grumpy and angry and the mood would pervade the house.

After we split, he was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and so I can understand he may have had very high levels of anxiety but it doesn't excuse how he behaved. I don't believe he was controlling in an abusive, misogynistic kind of way but he was controlling and he doesn't see it.

Anyway, 5 years on and we get on okay now we aren't together, we can co-parent when necessary. The children don't want to see him all that often as they say he's boring, he just sits on his computer and doesn't do anything with him. This is exactly how it was when we were together.

In that 5 years, neither of us has met anyone else. I would love to meet a Christian man and form a healthier relationship with a view to remarrying one day but it hasn't happened yet and I'm not getting any younger.

The last few days I've started wondering if I did the right thing divorcing when I don't have proof of adultery. Please talk some Biblical sense into me!

Im confused. You do have proof of adultery: you got an STD. Where do you think the came from if not from adultery?

misseightyeight, I was told by the GP it wasn't conclusive as STDs can lie dormant for years.

Oh I see. I'm not Christian, so might not be the voice you're looking for but it sounds to me like you know how awful he was, and you know that he was adulterous. Is there a reason you feel like you deserve that kind of poor treatment? Because I would bet that you deserve better.

Thanks, misseightyeight. I hope I deserve better but here I am five years later, still single, hence why I'm questioning, I guess!

You're more likely to meet the right guy as a singleton then trapped in an unhappy marriage. Possibly try Christian mingle or similar Christian dating sites?

This isn't from a Christian perspective (although I am a Christian!) but the reason you left him is because you didn't feel the behaviour was something you found acceptable.

So, do you love him and regret your decision and want to get married to him again?

If not, then you did not make the wrong decision

I have recently supported a friend who was a vicar's wife to leave her husband based on similar abusive (and yes it is abusive) behaviour. There was no adultery on either side but even without it my friend was fully supported by the church, right up to the bishop, as they considered his behaviour was not compatible with Christian marriage. In addition, as in your case, another key factor was the impact it was having on the children. I hope that reassures you.

No. I don't love him in the romantic sense. I would help him if I could and wouldn't do anything to hurt or harm him but I can't see how anything would be different if I went back. But I'm getting myself theologically tangled up and wondering if I am somehow being, not punished, but kept single because I did the wrong thing and God is trying to tell me to do the right thing. I pray about it and don't hear anything back but I know that doesn't mean He isn't listening. He has answered other prayers but I guess I'm supposed to work this one out myself.

I'm on one Christian dating site but mostly get contacted by people from very different branches of Christianity who live in London and that seems unlikely to work! My church is a lovely village church and very supportive but no single people of my age (late 30s).

Thanks, BathTangle, that does help. I think I know in my heart that the God I love and follow would not want me to stay like that. But I do have a tendency to get myself in theological tangles!

Honestly I would look at building your self-esteem. Do you attend church? I wonder if yours has any helpful information for you.

From a practical standpoint you do have proof of adultery, you've found his information on dating sites, escort numbers and condoms. If it had just been the STD yes maybe it was "dormant" but combined with everything else?

You also say your kids don't like to spend time with him. Do you really want to take them back into that situation? That man is not setting a good example to his children! Even if he hadn't been adulterous, his example is poor combined with the adultery, his obvious contempt of all women (his wife and prostitutes/others) and his lack of care when his kids are there - come on now that's a terrible thing to expose your children to.

Now more spiritual points. If this man had apologised and attempted to change his ways then you might have a point. The reality is though he has denied everything. Furthermore, I can't recall the exact scripture but we are warned about being unequally yoked, you say he's atheist. Why would you willingly join with him again?

Did you marry in church initially? The churches that class divorce as wrong always rely on the scripture about "what God hath yoked together". If you didn't marry in church then it was only ever a legal contract anyway as religion is explicitly cut out of registry office marriages. Even if you did marry in church, as you weren't then believers I would still question whether you could have made the covenants of a christian marriage at that time.

Above all else right now practically and spiritually it is your job to ensure your kids are raised to be good, moral, spiritual people. I really don't believe that means walking back to a man who has failed your family.

Does your church have opportunities for you to meet other single people? Have you prayed about it? Rely on Him. Trust His plan for you. There's plenty of time for marriage down the line. Hugs.

Thanks Annie, and interesting you say that as I only just recently went to my GP after some meds I was on for psoriasis triggered low mood and I said to her I think I mainly just have low self esteem. So maybe God is giving me an answer and I'm just listening in the wrong places!

We weren't married in church, no. I was in my wilderness years, as I call them, because I chose Christianity myself as a young child in an atheist family but veered off the path when I hit my late teens. We did have a blessing in church a few years later.

I talked to my vicar at the time I signed the divorce papers and she was happy that I was doing the right thing, so that's another plus.

I'm doing my best with my kids - they are good girls but understandably they were a bit surprised when Mum suddenly became a Christian when they were 8 and 9!

I would think that your children would have been, or continued to be, emotionally harmed if you had stayed with your Ex. So even if you are having regrets from your own POV then think around how things are much better for your children.

Sometimes after ending a relationship it is better to spend some time alone in order to clarify what you want from your life and perhaps build up your self esteem.

Maybe start by generally widening your social circle, make new friends, either through your work, children's school mums or Church socials. Maybe join an exercise class. I believe there are a few Christian dating sites. Persevere.

This isn't exactly theological advice! Sorry! But I do think if your ex is an atheist and your faith is important to you that you would be incompatible to try to rekindle your relationship anyway. If he was emotionally abusive this is definitely somewhere he will put your beliefs down.

@ruralliving19 - you are a beautiful daughter of God raising two more beautiful children - please don't ever forget that. He has a plan for you that means your absolute happiness one day, the journey can be rough but that doesn't mean we should give up or settle for second best.

I think the best way forward would be for you to stick a pin in relationships for now and concentrate on your family. Pray always to ask for His help, organize your time and space, keep a gratitude journal, maybe do some acts of random kindness (they need not be costly or big). Take some time out to appreciate the beauty of the world around you - I get that might be harder than it looks in London so maybe just buy a bunch of flowers or plant a window box or something.

Most of all remember He cares and so does the rest of your church. Be beautiful on the inside and out (rather than bogged down by these thoughts of your ex) and when the time is right you'll meet someone worthy of you.

The bible says do not be unequally yoked - do not marry non believers but if you already married to a non believer then do not divorce them.

2 Corinthians 6:14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

1 Corinthians 7:12-14 If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband.

I know there are feelings of doubt and I think this is pretty normal and I have had similar feelings about my sons father (we weren’t married and I became a believer 5 years ago, we split 6 and a half years ago) but it’s not right to go back to non believers. Unequally yoked marriages/relationships are hard and you will always have to compromise your faith. I also wouldn’t go back to somebody like that who treated me badly if I didn’t have to! Being single is hard. I’ve been single most of the 6 and a half years I have been split from my sons father but it’s for the best.
I don’t think God is punishing you. I think you are just dealing with the consequences of the relationship failing, divorce and sin (even if it wasn’t your fault). Very normal feelings and thoughts but definitely shouldn’t be pursued?
Hugs

@Mumanon72, it was the not divorcing a non-believer that got me in a tangle, because it was very much my decision to split up. However, I'm pretty sure that he doesn't want me back now, so maybe it's okay!

@AnnieOH1, thank you, those were beautiful words and I do try to remember that God loves me but sometimes it's hard to feel it, I know I have barriers up. I read a Christian book once that reminded women that we're all princesses, we're the daughters of the King, and we should hold our heads up high. That made me smile, I should try to remember that.

I do definitely believe that mothering my girls as best I can is a key part of God's calling for me in this season of my life. But sometimes it is lonely because I don't really have many friends close by and I wish I had a partner to share things with. I have to say I don't miss the sexual side of relationships, which I'm grateful for as that would be a challenge if I did.